Dear Lindsey,
I recently started seeing someone new after being alone for three years. I was so excited to finally have that spark with a woman that I really let myself fall…. imagining us being together and dreaming about moving in so I can see her more than 1-2 times a week. She seemed to like me back and be as excited for all these things, and she said I love you first. Now that things seem to be moving in that direction, she wants to put the brakes on. I mentioned moving in and she says that she has rent control for her lease and doesn’t want to lose it. I offered to move in to her place and she said there is not enough room plus the landlord won’t agree to that. She also has a kid, who knows me as a friend of mommy’s but doesn’t know we are dating, and every time I ask her when she is going to tell her kid about us she pushes it down the road. I’m starting to have second thoughts if she is as serious as she led me to believe. I don’t want to lose her but I don’t want to wait for her timeline to move things forward.
– Stuck
Stuck,
You don’t mention how long you’ve been seeing this woman, so I’m going to assume six months or less.
If it’s on the much-less side of six months, say one or two months, you have unrealistic expectations. Your girlfriend has the right to decide when, where, and how to tell her kid you are her girlfriend and you have the right to expect her to do this in a reasonable time frame. She may be reluctant to commit to a time frame (say, that 6-month mark) because your relationship is new — especially if she’s dated others in the past, told her daughter, and the relationship ended soon after. She’s protecting her kid and being a good mom.
She may not be ready for that level of commitment with you, even if she is happy about where things are.
That said, rent control can also be a powerful motivator against moving in together, as people fear they would not be able to afford another place to live if the relationship soured. You know this, I imagine, and you are calling bullshit on her. But it’s not going to change her mind.
You can’t force her to be ready to take that step. The more you try to force what you want, the more you will drive her away.
Enjoy what you have. Trust that she loves you and wants to be with you. Remind yourself that you’re rushing an already good thing. Continue getting to know this woman and her daughter, and dial back the fantasies. That’s what causing you agita. Waiting for the future to arrive is frustrating when you are ready to be in it already, but it’s your best bet to get there, with her, on a different timeline.
She may be reluctant to commit to a time frame (say, that 6-month mark) because your relationship is new — especially if she’s dated others in the past, told her daughter, and the relationship ended soon after. She’s protecting her kid and being a good mom.
However, if you’ve been dating for over 6 months, she should be willing to give you a time frame on that. Tell her why it’s important to you (you like her kid, you want to be honest, whatever bugs you about it). She should be willing to give you a timeline for disclosing.
As for moving in together, I would assume what she said about her landlord and her rent control is accurate, rather than that she’s giving you a line. Her landlord may balk at having another person in the apartment, or try to evict your girlfriend. Her place may be big enough for the two of them only. She may not be ready for that level of commitment with you, even if she is happy about where things are.
She may not be ready for that level of commitment with you, even if she is happy about where things are.
That said, rent control can also be a powerful motivator against moving in together, as people fear they would not be able to afford another place to live if the relationship soured. You know this, I imagine, and you are calling bullshit on her. But it’s not going to change her mind.
You can’t force her to be ready to take that step. The more you try to force what you want, the more you will drive her away.
Enjoy what you have. Trust that she loves you and wants to be with you. Remind yourself that you’re rushing an already good thing. Continue getting to know this woman and her daughter, and dial back the fantasies. That’s what causing you agita. Waiting for the future to arrive is frustrating when you are ready to be in it already, but it’s your best bet to get there, with her, on a different timeline.
