Lesbianing With AE! Finding Closure After Getting Ghosted

Dear AE,

 I met this girl on dating app. She lives in Canada and I live in the USA. We talked everyday for a week and of course we both flirted. I thought for a moment that she was a catfish because she didn’t want to face time with me. However, we continued talking about our daily routine. She mentioned that she would like to visit me soon to meet me. However, one day she deleted her profile without saying anything. I found her on Facebook. My question is it too creepy if I send her a message? Or just leave it alone? I have never done this because I think it’s creepy,  but I don’t know I’m curious to know what would she do. Answer me or block me. My friends say it’s a bad idea. 


Dear Confused, 

It sucks when you get emotionally invested in someone new, even if it’s just texting every day, and then that person ghosts on you with no explanation. We’re all hardwired to want that explanation but, the thing is, you’re actually not entitled to it and she can just delete her profile without giving you a heads up, the way she did, and no amount of online stalking guarantees you will get that explanation.

 Let me ask you, why do you want to message her on Facebook? What would you like her response to be? 

You’re in the U.S. She’s in Canada. Assuming you’re not, say, in Seattle and she’s in Vancouver where a quick cross-border bus could bring you near one another, there’s really nowhere for your flirt to go. 

Sure, people do fall in love online. Cross-border romances are a thing. But they’re not a thing for you and this woman, because she got off the app. 

If you are interested in connecting to pursue a friendship, or because she let slip some mental health issues that have you concerned for her safety, then sure. Reach out. Come up with a carefully worded message that is unlikely to freak her out. Say that you saw she was on Facebook and you’d like to continue talking if she would. Then leave the ball in her court, don’t expect a reply, and hop back on those apps. 

The worst thing she could do is block you, which….who cares. Your flirt ran its course and you’re no worse off than when you started.

If you’re interested in meeting up, like she originally suggested, then take it from your pals and DO NOT write to her. She communicated to you that she was no longer interested romantically when she deleted the app.

Take no for your answer, because it is. If you write to her hoping to rekindle your flirting, then you’re going to be disappointed no matter what happens. 

Look, Confused, women are going to disappoint you when you’re dating. They’re going to disappoint you in relationships, too, but that’s another story. 

You only spent a week chatting with this woman. You really do not need to overthink this one — and you don’t need to set yourself up for navel-gazing in the future by getting hung up on what happened. You are going to survive way worse dating foibles than getting ghosted by a girl who deleted her dating app a week after she met you for reasons that, rest assured, having nothing to do with you unless you in some way threatened her.

Put her out of your head (one way to do that is by getting on the apps and looking for new flames) and invest your energy not in processing what happened between you two but in finding people who are actually in the same country/city as you and who actually want to connect.

Do you have a question for us? Send it to memoree@afterellen.com with “Ask Jenny” in the subject line and we will answer it in a future post.