I recently ended things with a woman I had been seeing due to distance. I’ve left a few things with her during various visits. I don’t know exactly what she has, but I can for sure say that there are a few of my favorite sex toys in her apartment. What is the best way to ask for all my stuff back? We don’t live in the same city so it’s not as if she can bag it up for me and then leave it on the stoop, as embarrassing as that option would be? I don’t really want to open the door to communication, as the breakup got ugly, but I’d like my things back.
– Awkward Convo
Dear Awkward Convo,
I’m going to assume that the toys you left at her place do not fall into the category of cheap and easy to replace. That you have, let’s say, a really nice leather harness or a pricey Magic Wand. Or that when you say these are your favorite sex toys, you really mean something more like “the only way I can come is by using this vibrator.”
That you have a real incentive to suffer through the awkwardness, in other words.
You’ve got an easy way into this conversation since you have other belongings there. Text or email your ex to ask if she is willing to mail all your things back to you, offer to reimburse her for postage, and hope that she’s all inclusive when she packs those items up. If all you really care about is the spendy vibrator, then just ask for that (again, you’re paying shipping).
If she’s not willing to mail them, then you might need to make a trip down there to pick up your stuff. If the costs of gas and tolls or public transit are close to the cost of a replacement sex toy, you’re about breaking even.
That’s all you can do. You can’t force someone to return things you left at their place after a breakup.
Most people don’t want to reuse sex toys with new partners, so your girlfriend isn’t super likely to want to hang onto it for the next girl who shares her bed. It’s up to you what you do with it if you get it back, use it solo or share it with new partners.
A good general rule is anything that can be sterilized and sanitized is fair game to keep-and also the only sex toys you should have, since toys that aren’t clean can pass on infections. So if you can toss your piece in the dishwasher or boil it for a few minutes, you’ll know you’ve cleaned it of bacteria and bad relationship juju.
Cheap plasticky items are porous, which means chemicals in the plastic are leaching into you when you use the toys. So if your sex toy was subpar quality, take this as your opportunity splurge for a new piece that’s free of toxins. Dangerous Lilly is a good place to explore safe sex toys…and learn way more than you wanted to know about the potential dangers of the unregulated sex toy industry.
Sex toys, even good ones, are replaceable. So if you think reaching out will open the door to contact you don’t want with your ex, grab a new toy and write the old one off as the cost of your breakup.
