Valentine’s Day is a wonderful opportunity for people in relationships to extravagantly express their love without cynicism or subtly. Gifting is a chance to get creative, which is something people talk about doing far more than they actually do. If you’ve given the notion of original gift giving no thought and were just planning on buying a dozen long-stemmed red roses, a box of chocolates, and calling it a day, your creativity could use a boost from a real life writer such as myself.
My theory on gifting is that gifts should be charming surprises. The ideal gift is something the recipient will enjoy, but would never get herself. Don’t give that thing she’s been meaning to buy but hasn’t got around to yet. Don’t replace something sensible she’s worn out with consistent use. Be bold. Be weird. Be exciting. Or just steal one of my ideas and say it was your own. Go ahead—she’ll never know.
I’ve never seen myself as the peasant type, which is why I would be stoked to receive a renaissance rendition of my aristocratic visage. Once you’ve gotten the digital proof, get it printed out at a local photo lab (or Target, whatever), buy a gold frame, and wrap it in gilded paper topped by a sprig of tulips. Deliciously baroque. Did I mention it starts at $5?
LOOK AT THIS SHIT. LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT IT! ITS R2 GODDAMN D2 PLAYING FLO RIDA WHILE SUSPENDED IN AIR. This is a paragon of the luxurious, impractical, superbly exciting type gift virtually anyone would be delighted to receive. Ah, I want it so bad. Buy it for me. One of you. ($149.99)
Hotels are so generic —not to mention expensive. For less than a Motel 6, you can book a charming cottage or pied a tier perfect for a surprise country jaunt. Just select a scenic location no more than four hours away from home (car rides longer than four hours are romance kryptonite), book it for the weekend after Valentine’s Day, and sweep your girl off her feet. Experiences are worth far more than things—except for the aforementioned floating spinny speaker orb. That is clearly priceless. I’m dying to take my girl on a bohemian romp through Mexico City. Y Tu girlfriend Tambien.
At this very moment, I am looking at a line of slightly overexposed Polaroids I took of my girlfriend this weekend in the park. She sketched me with charcoal; I surreptitiously snapped shots of her crotch in those tantalizingly teeny denim cut-offs. We drank rose and ate olives. It was lovely. Polaroids make you feel like you’re in a romantic comedy. Plus there’s something so magical about watching an image come alive. Ah. La Dolce Vita. Belissima and whatnot. ($62.45)
Indignance is a very lesbian trait, and this Otherwild x Herstory tank is brimming with cheeky lesbianism. Otherwild is an independently owned lesbian boutique that sells exceptionally unique and super queer pieces for fair prices. Their latest collaboration with Herstory remakes pieces from lesbian history and brings them back to life. ($36). Like this lesbian culture sweatshirt.