Dolly Parton’s breasts refuse to tour

Don’t you hate it when your
breasts get in the way of your career? I know I do. Just the other day,
I was minding my own business, planning my North American concert tour,
when the strain of carrying my breasts around caused me to postpone
the tour at the advice of my doctor. Sigh.

Oh, wait; that wasn’t me. That
was Dolly Parton. And I’m not making this up. Earlier
this week, she announced that she would be postponing her upcoming
due to back
problems that stem from carrying her large breasts on her small frame.
More specifically, she said, “Hey, you try wagging these puppies around
a while and see if you don’t have back problems."

She certainly does have a pair,
doesn’t she?

The tour was planned to support
her upcoming album, Backwoods Barbie, her first mainstream country
album in 17 years.

It’s kind of cheap and easy
to make Dolly Parton breast jokes. But part of what I love about her is that she’s the first one to make them.

“I was the first woman to burn my
bra — it took the fire department four days to put it out.”

And recently, she commented that she envisions fans trekking to see her
iconic breasts after her death:

"I can just see two big mountains
growing up out of my grave, and people going around on mule rides to
look at them."

But unfortunately, the breasts that
are a source of so much jocularity are also a source of back pain. Alas.
And this is a source of personal sadness for me, because I had plans
to see her on this tour! I was about to buy the tickets when I read
about the postponement. Woe is me. I guess I’ll just have wait for her
to get some rest and hope that the rescheduled date works for me.

It’s a little odd that I’ve never seen
her in concert, given how much I like her. She seems like she’d be great

But I don’t generally see too many
country concerts — in part because country performers don’t play New
York all that frequently. The best country concert I ever saw was the Dixie Chicks in Nashville during their last tour.

Emily Robison
— my favorite Dixie Chick — brushed away tears at the end of “Not
Ready to Make Nice” and it about broke my heart.

She doesn’t do that here, but
you get the idea.

I doubt Dolly would cry in
concert, but I bet she and her breasts would move me just the same.
Has anyone seen her live? Can you tell me what I’m missing?