Companies like Apple celebrate pride, continue to misunderstand lesbians

It’s June ladies, which means only one thing: I have undoubtedly blown my plans of losing some poundage before the end of the month Pride Parade!

Yes, this is the month to celebrate our sexuality on an even grander scale than usual. Many television stations will play gay-friendly programming, shops and restaurants start waving rainbow flags outside their doors and the music experts over at iTunes came up with some “Gay Pride iTunes Essentials” mixes.

Now, I fancy myself a music aficionado, so I need to file a formal complaint against whoever put together this sad mix for us ladies. It is not only out-dated, but features music I wouldn’t listen to on even my darkest days.

First of all, let’s talk about their “explanation” of the mix:

In a male-dominated world, these are the queens who should be kings. These ladies have managed to carve a substantial slice of musical history with their tortured-yet-true voices of protest and lore, touched with a tone of joyous and defiant celebration. Here are the best examples.

What’s this about “queens who should be kings”? That makes absolutely no sense. Secondly, “tortured-yet-true voices”? What kind of mix are we supposed to be listening to here? In honor of pride month, I want to let my inhibitions go, make out with my girlfriend on the streets and shake what my momma gave me.

Oh and it gets worse: The first two songs they put on their mix are from Katy Perry (“I Kissed a Girl” of course) and tATu (“All the Things She Said). To be perfectly honest, I’m not even sure whoever put this list of songs together has any lesbian/bi/queer/trans friends.

The rest of the songs quickly turn to the obvious choices (which I’m not saying is bad, I’m just ready to move on). We’ve got Melissa Etheridge, Sophie B. Hawkins, Sarah McLachlan and the rest of the Lilith Fair gang. They chose one song from the Gossip and I’m pretty sure it’s only because it’s named, “Where the Girls Are.”

Somehow Dusty Springfield’s “You Don’t Own Me” made the cut along with Bjork’s “Army of Me.” What I’m getting from these choices is that we’re seen as a militant and possessive bunch. Sure, “Army of Me” is a great song — I bought the Tank Girl soundtrack because of that song — but that’s the best they could come up with for a Bjork song to include? How about a remix of “All is Full of Love”? I mean, hello? The video for that song includes lesbian robots, and it’s one of the hottest, most erotic things I’ve ever seen!

Their mix rundown should read more like this:

We’re bringing you this Debbie Downer of a mix tape filled with faux-lesbian/bi-curious, angry, Lilith Fair participants because we don’t know what else to give you. Sad trombone.

Here’s a list they should have come up with (and if they pick up on this post, they can feel free to use my suggestions and take all the credit. I really don’t mind).

Thunderheist “Jerk It”

Brazilian Girls “Good Time”

Le Tigre “Deceptacon”

Hot Chip “Ready for the Floor”

P!NK “So What”

Missy Elliot “Ching-a-Ling”

Gus Gus “Your Moves are Mine”

Hercules & Love Affair “Raise Me Up”

Bjork “Big Time Sensuality”

The Presets “Down Down Down”

Robyn “Who’s That Girl”

Peaches “I U She”

Rihanna “Shut Up and Drive”

Tegan and Sara “Back in Your Head (remix)”

Gossip “Yr Mangled Heart”

Girls Aloud “Biology”

Kelly Clarkson “My Life Would Suck Without You”

Beyonce feat. Shakira “Beautiful Lair”

Yeah Yeah Yeahs “Zero”

OK, so that Girls Aloud song is for my girlfriend, but the rest is for you. You’re welcome.