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And the Oscar goes to … the wrong person

I have an Academy Awards fantasy. This Sunday, when the presenter opens the envelope for Best Achievement in Directing, I envision audible gasps, then stunned silence and, finally, thunderous applause when un-nominated Kasi Lemmons benefits from a secret write-in campaign and wins for Talk to Me.

And then, for the hell of it, Sarah Polley wins an Honorable Mention for Away From Her.

I suspect, however, that one of the actual nominees will win. (I’m pulling for Jason ReitmanJuno.) But this does not change the sad truth that sometimes the best movies and performers do not get nominated, and sometimes the absolutely wrong performers and movies win.

It can be pretty tough to figure out the logic. For example, my brother noted that the longest — read poorly edited — movies often win Best Editing. (As he elaborated, “All 28 hours of The English Patient beat Fargo in 1997.) And the acting nominees sometimes reflect the most offensive scenery-chewing.

Of course, my brother and I are not the only ones to spew righteous indignation about the state of Academy Awards affairs. I recently read a pretty good list of the Worst Oscars Ever, some of which I agreed with and some of which I disagreed with. And this led me to compile my own list of Academy Awards Travesties — the performers and movies that stole the awards that should have rightfully gone to more deserving others.

Best Picture Travesty — Crash (2006)

Sometimes, perhaps even frequently, the Academy gets it right. A personal high for me was when The Silence of the Lambs beat JFK in 1992.

And whether or not it was really the best movie of the year, Shakespeare in Love made me very happy when it knocked out Saving Private Ryan in 1999.

But sometimes the Academy gets it very, very wrong. Dare I mention A Beautiful Mind over In the Bedroom in 2002, Gladiator over Traffic

in 2001 and Braveheart over Babe in 1996. (And my brother still wakes up screaming because Dances With Wolves beat Goodfellas in 1991. What is so compelling about the crappy epics?) But the most obvious, most egregious and most morally and criminally wrong was Crash over Brokeback Mountain in 2006. Crash

was entertaining in a manipulative, simplistic, overbearing way. (People are capable of both good and bad. Who knew?!) And, of course, the women were quite lovely.

(I also had an adolescent crush on Matt Dillon back in the day.)

But Brokeback was compelling enough to turn the “gay cowboy movie” into a mainstream hit. It featured subtle, engaging performances, a mesmerizing story and breathtaking cinematography. Fie on you, Academy members, for this travesty.

Best Actress Travesty — None

It makes me quite happy that I don’t have a nominee for this category. Had I been consulted, I might have handed out a few statuettes to different winners over the years, but I can’t find any that trigger outrage. And I can name many that make me very happy:

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