“The Women” poster has female trouble

Movie posters have a very simple yet very critical task: Make people go see the movie. With such a singular objective in mind, you wouldn’t think the studios would futz it up so very badly so very often. Yet, there they go again. Please witness the new one-sheet for the new remake of the all-female ’30s classic The Women.

Unlike the film’s teaser poster, this one actually features the key cast in this tale of wife (and her friends) versus mistress. Sure, on its surface nothing seems terrible here; but just like staring at a Monet, things start to come out of focus with closer inspection.

First, what’s up with Annette Bening‘s face? Seriously, not to become the crazy lady who can’t stop complaining about the horrors of Photoshop, but — hello — horrors of Photoshop. She looks at once smooth and puffy. Also I can’t believe she would ever actually wear a shade of eyeshadow that flirts so perilously with ’80s powder blue. Banish the thought.

Second, how badly do they want to telegraph that Jada Pinkett Smith‘s character is a lesbian? So badly they made sure to give her not one, not two, but three silver rings. Also, one of them is a thumb ring which as well all know is totally, totally gay. Though, for the sake of accuracy, her nails are a tad on the long side. (What? I’m just saying — safety first.)

Which leads us to the third point: Debra Messing looks less like she is hearing some juicy gossip and more like she has been poked with something sharp. (Perhaps it was one of Jada’s nails.)

Fourth, Eva Mendes is clearly supposed to be the sexy mistress everyone hates. We know this because we get to see one of her breasts in full silhouette and she appears to be the only woman who thought the attire for the photoshoot was “lingerie or less.” Though, to be fair, this appears to be all she ever wears out in public.

And last, but not least, Meg Ryan. Oh, Meg, remember when you were America’s sweetheart even after you faked an orgasm in the middle of a diner? Heck, that made us love you even more. But now, now I can’t help looking at you and thinking, “I don’t remember her lips looking like that in When Harry Met Sally.” And they didn’t.

So, do the women on The Women poster make you want to see the movie more or less?