“Lesbian Vampire Killers” teases us with a trailer

I would like, if you’ll indulge me, to talk about why grammar, and particularly syntax, matters. Take, for example, the upcoming film Lesbian Vampire Killers. Right, so what do you infer about this film from those three words? Is it about lesbian vampires who kill? Is it about lesbians who kill vampires? Or is it about people who kill lesbian vampires? See, syntax does matter.

Now, thanks to the first teaser trailer for Lesbian Vampire Killers (which is clearly competing with Snakes on a Plane for least subtle movie title ever), we know the answer. It’s about people who kill lesbian vampires. Bummer.

Look, I like a good killer flick. I enjoy almost any vampire movie. And, clearly, I love lesbians. But a film about lesbian vampires who just get killed? Hmm, I’m going to need to see more than 51-seconds of cheesy voiceovers and big fonts to know if I’m on board.

You see, I don’t have a problem with exploitation flicks, but it all depends on who does the exploiting. A film like Bitch Slap, which has a similar tongue-in-cheek B-movie feel, has me salivating all over my stompy feminist combat boots. Why? Because the women are the stars and in charge. They seem to be in on the joke. Also, they’ve brought Xena Lucy Lawless and GabrielleRenee O’Connor along for the ride.

But from what little we know about Lesbian Vampire Killers, two guys are the stars and do all the killing. A short comic-book style synopsis on the film’s UK website lays out what little plot there is. Two hopeless dudes stumble upon a cursed village where “an army of salacious lesbian vampires” turns any women in town into, well, a salacious lesbian vampire.

So, the purpose of the lesbian vampires is to titillate the men who will in turn then stake the lesbian vampires. Yeah, like I was saying, syntax matters.

(I reserve the right to reverse my opinion of Lesbian Vampire Killers if the film turns out to be hilarious and/or if the salacious lesbian vampires turn out to be really, really hot.)