“Lesbian Vampire Killers” gets staked by the UK press

Here is a question I never thought I’d ask out loud: Does killing lesbian vampires make for good cinema? Well, according to many British critics the answer is a resounding “no.” Lesbian Vampire Killers opened in the United Kingdom over the weekend, and the reviews have not been favorable. Gosh, I’m shocked. And, no, that’s not blood but sarcasm you hear dripping.

We’ve had a sneaking turning into almost-certain suspicion that Lesbian Vampire Killers would be less hot lesbian vampire goodness and more dead lesbian vampire lameness than we had hoped for. Call me crazy, but I’m decidedly unexcited about the prospect of watching a whole movie about two goofy guys who kill a bunch of lesbians — granted they’re vampires, but still.

The BBC compiled a round-up of reviews from the British press about the film and it seems “forgettable,” “woeful,” “lazy” and “feeble” are some of the nicer descriptions.

From The Times:

“(A)n appalling waste of a perfectly decent title … It’s profoundly awful.”

From The Independent:

“Loath as I am to kick a comedy duo when they’re down, there’s no plausible defence for this slapdash feature film by Mathew Horne and James Corden … It’s pretty woeful and unimaginably boring.”

From the Daily Express:

“Badly written and hastily executed, it takes all the easy options of bad taste, bosoms and body fluids. There isn’t a really funny gag or a stand-out sequence in the whole film.”

From the >Telegraph:

Lesbian Vampire Killers wants to be one of those does-what-it-says-on-the-tin flicks. As in: there are lesbian vampires. They are killed. What’s not to like? Well, you couldn’t sue under the Trade Descriptions Act, but there’s as much not to like as you might find in a 20-year-old can of rancid minestrone at the back of your mum’s larder.”

From the Daily Mail:

“It appears to have been made for binge-drinking teenagers — and by them … It’s desperately unfunny, unless you find vomiting, farting, decapitation, women’s breasts and four-letter words the ultimate in hilarity.”

In fact, the only paper mentioned that didn’t give the film a one-star rating was The Sun which gave it three out of five stars while called it “knowingly silly.”

The film premiered last week at the SXSW Film Festival in Austin, Texas. The handful of reviews so far from the American press are somewhat less scathing. Variety and CinemaBlend.com gave it faint praise while Empire and BloodyDisgusting.com seemed ready to stake it through the heart. The film has no U.S. distribution yet, but does have release dates in France and the Netherlands in June.

So, do you still have an appetite for Lesbian Vampire Killers? Or are you, like me, going to skip it and wait for Bitch Slap instead?