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The Top 9 Rules of Seduction in Lesbian Cinema

As February 14th rolls around every year, many a lesbian’s thoughts turn to love – or, at the very least, lust. Fortunately for us, lesbian cinema is a veritable gold mine of dating tips. Though some lesbian films leave a lot to be desired (don’t ever offer to watch Bar Girls with your date), a good number surprisingly offer some handy tips on the art of seduction. We’ve boiled them down for you in this even handier list. Take a look and see what you can use this Valentine’s Day.

Rule # 1 Go for the gold. Brian De Palma’s silly but sexy heist flick, Femme Fatale (2002), follows the exploits of bisexual jewel thief Laure, played by model-turned-actress Rebecca Romijn (X-Men, Ugly Betty). De Palma doesn’t waste any time getting down to the business: The film opens with an over-the-top heist involving a splashy film premiere in Paris and a vampy, brunette starlet wearing a serpent-shaped gold halter top containing 500 diamonds worth more than $10 million.

Laure – undercover as a sleek, androgynous paparazzo – engages her target in a sultry stare down and later whispers an invitation to a rendezvous. Soon after, the 10-million-dollar woman strands her entourage of bodyguards in the hallway as she ducks into a bathroom marked “Femmes,” where Laure is waiting for her. Plastered together against the wall of a remarkably clean stall, Laure hungrily kisses the starlet and makes quick work of helping her shed her priceless “skin.” Diamonds – and ultimately drawers – hit the cold tile floor as Laure deftly devours her, while Laure’s partner in crime, hidden in the next stall, snatches the jewels and replaces them with designer imposter duds.

Romijn is gorgeous as usual, and De Palma (Black Dahlia, The Untouchables) shoots the scene with his standard voyeuristic menace. We all know that no one wears a blue paint body suit like Rebecca Romijn, but her powers of seduction in Femme Fatale are far more impressive than any shape shifting Mystique could ever pull off.

Rule # 2 Know your vocabulary. In the clever, wordy style of some of Woody Allen’s best films, Kissing Jessica Stein (2001) tells the tale of heretofore heterosexual copy editor Jessica Stein (Jennifer Westfield), who is so impressed by the Rilke quote in a personal ad that she answers it – despite the fact that the ad is placed in the “women seeking women” section. When she meets the woman, Helen (Heather Juergensen), for their initial date, Jessica almost chickens out, but Helen convinces her to stay for a drink. Her technique? An unexpected and adroit use of the word “marinate.”

The compulsively chatty Jessica is captivated and ultimately challenged by Helen’s command of language. At the end of their talky date, Helen objects to Jessica’s claim that she is so knowledgeable about herself that she knows how she’ll react to everything. Helen sees that as an invitation to plant a long, passionate and confusion-inducing kiss on Jessica Stein, who is rendered speechless – possibly for the first time in years.

The seductive power of Helen’s sparkling conversation is evidence that the way to a woman’s heart is through her brain. As author Maria Mannes once said, “All really great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction.”

Rule # 3 Be willing to break the rules. I’ve always suspected that lesbians have their own version of the bad girl fetish (naughty bi-curious married women, anyone?), but in Angela Robinson’s campy teen spy flick, D.E.B.S. (2004), the bad girl in question isn’t just naughty. She’s really bad – wanted-by-the-FBI bad. She’s Lucy Diamond (Jordana Brewster), and she’s the deadliest criminal in the world. Hot on her trail are the D.E.B.S., a super-secret crime fighting team armed to the teeth and decked out in skimpy schoolgirl uniforms.

While in hot pursuit of Diamond, moody D.E.B.S. agent Amy (Sara Foster) literally runs into her in classic romantic comedy meet-cute fashion. Amy is charmed by the flirty Diamond, and Diamond is equally smitten by the straight-arrow girl she should be shooting instead of seducing.

If you’re not a lesbian supervillain, your normal romantic ploys might include flowers, wine or song (see Loving Annabelle). But Lucy’s technique is direct and, well, illegal. She invades the D.E.B.S. fortress and kidnaps Amy for a date (“I’m breaking like eight federal statutes being here with you right now,” says Amy) that almost ends in a kiss. When Lucy kidnaps Amy a second time, she not only gets her kiss but also gets Amy to question her path as a professional goody-two-shoes. Nothing like a well-executed felony or two (see Bound) to get the girl of your dreams.

Rule # 4 Be a rock star.

In Loving Annabelle (2006), rebellious teenager Annabelle (Erin Kelly) arrives at a strict, all-girls Catholic high school where the outlook for finding a kindred spirit is decidedly bleak. That is, until she falls for her fetching English teacher, Simone (Diane Gaidry). The heat between them is immediate, mutual and undeniable, but Simone isn’t willing to veer away from her conventional life, boyfriend or the letter of the law to be with her underage student.

Annabelle isn’t easily dissuaded, and on more than one occasion she nearly wears Simone down with her ballsy relentlessness. The moment of truth finally arrives at the school dance when Annabelle takes to the stage and, guitar in hand, unleashes her inner troubadour. The song she sings is clearly written for Simone, and she punctuates this fact by singing it directly to her. An overwrought Simone runs for the nearest exit, but Annabelle follows and initiates a kiss that propels them straight to the bedroom, where we learn that Annabelle’s capable of dominating more than just a guitar.

Sure, Simone has to face the cops the next morning when they are discovered by the shrewish headmistress, but the look on her face as she drives away in the back of the squad car tells us that her indiscretion was totally worth it.

Rule # 5 Fall hard. In Saving Face (2004), opposites attract when shy, closeted doctor Will (Michelle Krusiec) meets vivacious, out dancer Vivian (Lynn Chen). The reticent, tomboyish Will (who is hemmed in by her traditional Chinese family) is irresistibly drawn to the free-spirited, gorgeous Vivian, who clearly knows what (and who) she wants from the get-go. She ensnares Wil with a note stuck in a hospital vending machine, and Wil just can’t resist her adorable charms.

After an amusing date involving fake shopping (you know, you look at clothes while talking to your date so that you’re less nervous), the two end up back at Vivian’s loft, where Wil learns that Vivian volunteers with urban kids, teaching them “how to fall without hurting themselves.” She gracefully demonstrates, and then cajoles Wil into taking a trial spill herself.

“When I say fall, you totally let go,” Vivian explains. “OK? Fall.” But Wil’s stiff, locked down demeanor doesn’t really lend itself to any sort of release. Vivian’s solution? To slowly, seductively sidle up to Wil as if she’s about to kiss her. Yep, that works. Wil collapses to the ground in a heap of painful self-consciousness, grimacing, “That was … fun.” When Vivian tumbles down next to her, it’s only moments before she lures her in for a kiss — and then Wil falls for real. Who knew hitting the ground could feel so good?

Rule # 6 Bond with her dog. In Christopher Guest’s outrageously deadpan mockumentary about the world of dog shows, out lesbian actress Jane Lynch plays Christy Cummings, an obnoxiously competive dog trainer hired to show the prize pooch belonging to Sherri Ann Ward Cabot, the ditzy blonde trophy bride of an elderly millionaire. Christy and Sherri Ann bicker over everything (including a particularly memorable scrap over Sherri Ann’s vision for Christy’s eye makeup) on the long road to the prestigious Mayflower Kennel Club Dog Show, but it’s all just a cover up for the sexual tension brewing beneath their collective surface.

At the big show, Christy proudly struts around the ring with poodle Rhapsody in tow while Sherri Ann anxiously puckers her collagen-inflated lips. When their advancement to the semi-finals is announced, Christy rushes to the sidelines to celebrate the victory with Sherri Ann. The TV cameras are rolling as their hug turns into an explosive makeout session, prompting one of their recently eliminated competitors to snark to his boyfriend, “Rhapsody has two mommies.”

Though Christy and Sherri Ann ultimately experience the heartbreak of defeat at the Mayflower, they find love with one another and join forces to launch a new magazine devoted to “the issues of the lesbian pure bred dog owner.” The name? American Bitch.

Rule # 7 Be a damsel in distress. It’s the oldest trick in the book of feminine wiles: Act helpless in order to garner the attention you require. We may sneer at it when we see it in the most conventional of straight movies, but look how hard we all fell for it in Bound (1996).

Mob moll Violet (Jennifer Tilly) makes eyes at newly paroled maintenance worker Corky (Gina Gershon) when they first meet in the elevator of a luxury apartment building. Thanks to the thin walls that separate them, Corky knows more than she cares to about the most intimate aspect of Violet’s life. But she doesn’t really get to know her neighbor until she gets a distress call from the building manager. Fair Violet has lost an earring down the kitchen drain and needs a big, strong, wrench-wielding, handy dyke to fetch it.

In a one of the most memorable cat-and-mouse games in lesbian cinema, Violet plays the clueless card in order to get Corky on her knees and under her kitchen sink. Corky disconnects the pipes in search of the lost jewelry while stealing sidelong glances at Violet’s thighs. Sure, Corky knows it’s a ruse and that sex kitten Violet intentionally tossed her own earring down the sink, but what difference does that make?

When the earring is retrieved, Violet insists that Corky stay for a drink. (“A beer. Naturally.”) The drink leads where drinks often do, and Violet soon learns that she’s not the only one with an ulterior motive. By the end of the snappy, violent ride that is Bound, the lovers have successfully double-crossed the mob for a few million bucks and ridden off into the sunset together. (In a monstrous, shiny new truck. Naturally.)

Rule # 8 Liquor her up. Bombshell actress Mia Scarlett (Mia Riverton) sets surgeon Julie Wong’s (Elaine Kao) hospital aflutter when she visits to prepare for an upcoming film in Georgia Lee’s Red Doors (2005). The medical personnel bask in the presence of an actual celebrity, while quiet, un-Hollywood-savvy Julie watches with curiosity. She’s never heard of Mia Scarlett, but she’s not above slyly checking out the cheesecake photos of her in the magazines strewn about the nurses’ station.

As it turns out, the interest is mutual. Mia vibes out the cute but closeted Julie, but can’t seem to make Julie realize that she’s attracted to her. So she ups the ante by inviting Julie out for drinks, then goes behind the bar and prepares Valencias for them both. Showy, seductive Mia relishes the opportunity to explain the origins of the drink, which involves setting orange slices aflame (and some “cold gin”): “It’s also called the Flame of Love because Frank Sinatra had one,” Mia says suggestively, “and fell in love.”

Later, when Mia mixes Julie a frothy White Russian and deftly wipes a bit of milk foam from the tip of Julie’s nose, the mood has definitely heated up. Maybe she’s intoxicated by sultry Mia’s come-ons, or maybe she’s just plain drunk — but Julie is finally able to meet Mia’s direct, sexy gaze and start to deal with her own sexuality.

Rule #9 Bare it all. In her lesbian icon-making turn as a queer supermodel in Gia (1998), Angelina Jolie (who won a Golden Globe for this role) plays Gia Carangi as reckless and seething with sexual magnetism. Naturally, she finds herself wildly attracted to her sensible (and slightly prissy) makeup artist, Linda, played by Elizabeth Mitchell (ER, Lost).

When the boring catalogue photo shoot is over, the smarmy Eurotrash photographer invites the models to stay behind and make some “art” (or, as he says, “aht”). Everyone bails except for Gia, who is more than happy to undress and climb the chain-link prop fence like the feral beast she is — but only if Linda stays to watch.

And Linda watches all right: Her nervous fiddling with makeup brushes throughout the shoot speaks volumes. When the sleazy photographer commands Linda to strip down and pose with Gia, at first it seems unlikely that she will comply. But like the rest of us, she can’t take her eyes off of Gia/Jolie, who hypnotizes her with a steady, vampiric gaze. It’s not long before the formerly straight Linda is naked, pressed up against the fence in the studio — and later on, up against Gia. Is this movie the reason there are so many lesbians on America’s Next Top Model?

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