Lesbians Who Kill: 9 Murderesses Who Gave Us a Bad Name

Gays spend most of the year nurturing a public image of saccharine normalcy or pious fortitude, playing the role of non-threatening homo next door or long-suffering freedom fighter. I find this charade exhausting. Today is Halloween, a pagan holiday re-purposed by pop culture as collective catharsis for our dark fantasies and nasty longings. For just 24 hours, we can stop with this whole, “We’re just like you!” nonsense and speak honestly about our menacing gay agenda. We can pay tribute to those brave, brilliant lesbians who fearlessly wreaked havoc on lamestream society, who dared to do what we merely dream about: MURDER.

Note: Like many criminals, I’ve always found “facts” and “proof” a rather restrictive criteria. How I’ve longed to let my inner creative free, to just once write an article without having to check if the point I’m making is correct. Thus, in honor of this very special day, I shall do like the witches did and chuck convention to the cats. Fuck cold hard facts. Here’s what (I think) went down with the five fiercest  killers, based on rumors, folklore, suspicions, anecdotes, and all other evidence you can’t use in court.

Erzsébet Báthory

Just last week, I caught sight of a pretty young boi and let my eyes wander the length of her long, hard body, picturing exactly what I’d like to do to her. First, I’d strip her naked. Then, I’d fetch my servants and together we’d chain her to a hidden chamber inside my Transylvanian castle. After starving her for an hour or 10, I’d get to the really naughty bits: beating, skinning, stabbing, burning, ripping, and slowly draining away the blood until all the light had faded from those beautiful eyes.

JK that wasn’t me, that was Erzsébet Báthory!

giphyvia giphy.com

Erzsébet Báthory was a 16th century Hungarian Countess who liked to torture strapping young peasant girls from her vast and wealthy estate. Hundreds of girls died by Erzsébet’s ivory palm; she literally went through all the available female serf stock, and then created a fake school for young noble ladies to fill the blood void. What a go-getter!

Anyways, Erzsébet’s murderous inclinations were fueled by two sexxxxy lesbian affairs. Erzsébet’s Aunt Klara, a notorious bisexual sadist, taught Erzsébet her sexy sapphic sadist ways when Erzsébet was just a blossoming wee sociopath. Once Erzsébet grew up a bit, a mysterious woman named Anna Darvolya joined her household, and together they tapped into some super innovative new ways to kill. Some examples from this amazing and detailed breakdown of The Blood Countess’s Escapades on The Hairpin.

“Erzsébet forced girls to stand naked outside and poured cold water over them until they froze to death.”

“Once, she put her fingers inside a girl’s mouth and tore her face apart.”

“There were also reports of pincers used to rip out the girls’ flesh, along with rumors of cannibalism—force-feeding the girls pieces of their own bodies or the flesh of their fellow servant girls.”

“She’d strip the girls naked before she beat them, and once bit a piece out of a girl’s face and shoulder when she herself was too sick to get out of bed.”

Doesn’t that sound like FUN, ya’ll?! No? No one wants to come over tonight? Whatever. Anyways, Erzsébet finally killed too many non-disposable (noble) women, and the law came to shut that shit down. Since there were several dead girl bodies strewn about Erzsébet’s castle when officials turned up, there was very little wiggle room for Erzsébet to feign innocence. Too wealthy to be put to death, Erzsébet was sealed in the creepy castle for the rest of her life, then buried in family crypt. In 1995, the crypt was opened for the first time in centuries. Erzsébet was not inside.

Elizabeth_Bathory_PortraitPortrait of Erzsébet Báthory via wikipedia

Lizzie Borden

The-Legend-of-Lizzie-Borden-Gif-the-legend-of-lizzie-borden-31401236-498-374via fanpop

Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother forty whacks.
When she saw what she had done,
She gave her father forty-one.

Axe murdering is not for sissies. Heavy, awkward, unwieldy things, axes aren’t known for their female-friendly design. When Andrew and Abby Borden were chopped to bits in 1892, America was scandalized and fascinated by the fetching young suspect. A wealthy, well bred young woman, Lizzie Borden’s life seemed the picture or propriety: Sunday School Teacher, Secretary of the Christian Endeavor Society, and enthusiastic member of the pro-prohibition Women’s Christian Temperance Union. A total bore, a priggish goody-goody who woke up one day and decided her parents would look better in shreds.

Shortly before the murders, a new maid joined the Borden household. Bridget Sullivan, a pretty young Irish woman, testified that while the Bordens installed locks on their doors and interacted with palpable tension, a raised voice was never heard in the Borden household. Bridget and Lizzie became close… too close. In the scorching Summer of 1892, Lizzie’s reviled and estranged Stepmother Abby made a salacious and damning discovery: Lizzie Borden in the throes of passion with Bridget Sullivan.

On August 3rd, Bridget heard her lover call, “Come down quick! Father’s dead.” Police arrived to a gory tableau. Andrew and Abby Borden were chopped from head to toe, hit with an ax at least 11 times. Over and over again, an ax crunched through Borden skulls with such furious force and speed that Andrew’s eyeball and tooth were split in two. A thick stew of blood, brains, and bone shards soaked the elegant furniture Andrew and Abby Borden’s dismembered corpses rested upon.

A heavily publicized trial found Lizzie Borden not guilty because of circumstantial evidence, and she was acquitted of all charges. Although Lizzie Borden would never again be welcomed into polite society, she discovered more intriguing company. Now a wealthy, independent, and infamous woman, Lizzie Borden basked in the excitement of her new life. She moved into a mansion and threw extravagant parties attended by the wealthy and famous. Bridget was replaced by Nance O’Neill, a sultry young lesbian actress known for her sexy girl on girl dalliances. Crime can pay!

lizziebordenvia wikipedia