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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (June 6, 2008)

ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACK Odds are that if you get a big enough group of women together, at least one of them will be gay. That’s just, you know, math. So imagine my delight when Hollywood actually followed real-world statistics and included a gay woman in the mix of its new all-star remake of The Women. A gay woman amid The Women – how refreshing.

In the film, Jada Pinkett Smith plays out lesbian Alex Fisher. She’s one of a group of upper-crust friends who all work in New York’s fashion and publishing worlds. The ladies must rally around one of their own (played by Meg Ryan) after they discover her husband is having an affair with a younger, hotter woman (played by Eva Mendes).

Now, we know Jada’s character is a lesbian for a couple of reasons. First, she’s pretty much the only character wearing pants. Pants are, you know, totally gay. She’s also the only character who thinks there are enough boys in the world already. Disliking boys is, you know, totally gay. And, she is the only character to think Eva’s adulterous perfume girl is, and I quote, “fi-oh-ne.” Thinking hotties are hot is, you know, totally gay. The star-studded cast also includes Annette Bening, Debra Messing, Candice Bergen, Bette Midler, Lynn Whitfield, Debi Mazar, Ana Gasteyer, Carrie Fisher, Joanna Gleason and Cloris Leachman. The film is a remake of the 1939 camp classic that famously featured no male on-screen roles. The long-gestating project has been in and out of the works for the past 14 years.

The new trailer features some blink-and-you’ll-miss-them allusions to Jada’s character’s sexuality: After seeing the trailer, I’m not entirely sure the wait was worth it. While I hold out hope for the project – plus, it’s written and directed by Murphy Brown mastermind Diane English – I can’t help but groan at the clichés already in the plot.

Catty women. Comedic delivery room scenes. Personal transformation via hair straighteners (check out Meg’s pre- and post-affair locks in the trailer – someone bought a flat iron!) And that doesn’t even touch on the poodles, nail polish and afternoon gimlets (though I heartily approve of the latter).

Even though I’m wary, I’ll brave some overwrought stereotypes to see Jada play gay. I just may need a couple of gimlets to make it though.

TOP CHEFBIAN Out lesbian chef Lisa Fernandes has made it to the grand finale of Top Chef: Chicago. The 27-year-old New Yorker has outlasted 13 other contestants to make it to the finals in Puerto Rico. She will compete against two other chefs for the title of Top Chef: Stephanie Izard from Chicago and Richard Blais from Atlanta. Lisa’s advancement to the finals is an upset of sorts. She has survived six appearances on the chopping block this season. In the first part of the finale, which aired this week, Lisa beat out fellow final four contestant Antonia Lofaso of Los Angeles, who was considered one of this season’s favorites. (Catch up on the season so far with the AfterEllen.com Top Chef recaps.)

This season featured the most-ever out lesbian cheftestants: Lisa and San Francisco couple Zoi Antonitsas and Jennifer Biesty. Antonitsas and Biesty were sent packing in the fifth and seventh episodes respectively.

The finale airs Wednesday, June 11, at 10 p.m. ET on Bravo.

by Dorothy Snarker

LESBIAN CHEFS TAKE OVER THE WORLD Speaking of Top Chef, a slew of the show’s chefbian contestants strutted down the red carpet wearing their finest in non-apron attire during the inaugural Bravo A-List Awards.

First up, grand finale-bound chef Lisa posed with fellow finalist Stephanie and vanquished rival Antonia. They look friendly. Does this mean all is forgiven? Also on the red carpet were several other Season 4 cheftestants including lesbian chef Jennifer. But, wait, where is Jennifer’s cast mate and girlfriend Zoi? Well, looks like Valerie Bolon, Manuel Trevino, Nikki Cascone, Spike Mendelsohn and Andrew D’Ambrosi were happy to keep her company instead. Also in attendance was bisexual contestant Lia Bardeen with fellow Season 3 chefs Dale Levitsky, Sara Nguyen and Brian Malarkey. Lia’s bisexuality was not addressed on the show but was openly discussed in her audition video. It’s great to see so many chefbians out of the kitchen and looking so – how should I say this in proper culinary terms? – delicious. Bravo’s A-List Awards, hosted by Kathy Griffin, airs Thursday, June 12 at 10 p.m. ET.

by Dorothy Snarker

I THOUGHT THE BRITS WERE THE ONES WITH ALL THE ORIGINAL IDEAS The unsubtly titled film Lesbian Vampire Killers recently began shooting in the U.K., and pop star Lily Allen will reportedly have a cameo. She was asked to take on a larger role but was happy with a brief appearance.

The “comedy” stars British television stars James Corden and Matthew Horne on their quest to save their “women,” who have been “enslaved by the local pack of lesbian vampires thanks to an ancient curse.” One of the other Sapphic bites is MyAnna Buring, who has been in several horror flicks including Grindhouse and The Descent. No word on whether Allen will be sharing any liplocks with any ladies, or have a sexy scene in a coffin. WE PROMISE THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TILA TEQUILA NewFest kicked off in New York City yesterday, and there are several lesbian/bi features included in the festival, which runs through June 15. Some of the films being shown include Affinity (an adaptation of the Sarah Waters novel), Don’t Go (starring Guinevere Turner) and Zero Chou‘s Drifting Flowers.

One of the new documentaries playing this year is Bi the Way, which features two friends and co-directors, Brittany Blockman and Josephine Decker, on a road trip across America to figure out bisexuality. Their discoveries are based on interviews with bisexuals, straights and gays, as well as those who have conducted studies on the topic that seem to be somewhat inconclusive (or least remain strongly debated).

Bi the Way seems to shows every possible point of view on bisexuality, from couples who don’t mind sharing the bedroom with a third party, to a 10-year-old boy who eagerly discusses his future as a possible bisexual (and his crush on Smallville actor Tom Welling

Michael Musto and Dan Savage also weigh in, and several issues are brought up, including the glamorization of same-sex kissing on shows like The O.C., Degrassi and Six Feet Under. Honest questions that even the most secure queers ask are also raised, such as: What is bisexuality really? Is it about an emotional or physical attraction? Can you ever truly be interested in both men and women, or is it just a step toward coming out? Many arguments are addressed, but no real answer is found, most likely because there doesn’t seem to be an answer. The exploration may actually raise more questions, but it won’t clear anything up.

Go see Bi the Way to get a better understanding of bisexuality. But skip the film if you don’t care about what anyone else says – it’s a lot of opinions, and chances are, you’ve had your fill of those already.

by Trish Bendix

A SHOT AT LOVE DURING THE THIRD INNING Reality show contestant Sirbrina Guerrero is having a helluva month. In Episode 5 of MTV’s A Shot at Love 2 With Tila Tequila, the Seattle resident was sent packing by everyone’s favorite opportuni-sexual Bratz doll. Guerrero’s search for love was thwarted once again when she was told to stop kissing her female date during a Seattle Mariners home game last week.

I thought getting to first base was a good thing. The Associated Press reports that Guerrero and her lady date were confronted by a stadium attendant during the third inning and told their macking was making one nearby woman uncomfortable. What makes me uncomfortable is the power one uptight fan can have.

According to Guerrero, she and her date were told to stop their “inappropriate” PDA because the complaining woman was worried for nearby parents, who might have to explain two women kissing to their children. Like the kids don’t already know about girl-on-girl kissing, thanks to Madonna and Britney, Lindsay and Sam, and Spashley.

“I was really just shocked,” Guerrero told reporters. “Seattle is so gay-friendly. There was a couple, like, seven rows ahead, making out. We were just showing affection.” Apparently, there’s not only no crying in baseball, there’s no kissing either. But only if you’re gay.

News of the incident spread like wildfire in the local media and on the internet, where people weighed in on Guerrero’s treatment by the stadium and opened discussions about PDA double standards. Seriously. I have no desire to see straight couples grabbing each other’s asses when I go the movies; whom do I complain to?

Other allegations of “groping” in the stands were denied by Guerrero, who said she and her date were merely enjoying the game, eating garlic fries, and giving each other “brief” kisses. Since they never got to second base, sounds like the only real crime here was eating garlic and kissing.

by Dara Nai

IS SHE SIRIUS? This week Rosie O’Donnell appeared on former nemesis Howard Stern‘s talk radio show on the SIRIUS satellite network. Back in the olden days, O’Donnell and Stern were open rivals. But in this very candid interview, O’Donnell admitted that she may have misjudged him, and he conceded that he had grown to respect her since she came out.

Stern’s bawdy and often tasteless (and some would say sexist) humor hasn’t exactly endeared him to huge numbers of lesbian fans, but Stern regularly has out actor George Takei (Star Trek) on the show, and they discuss gay topics including Takei’s upcoming wedding to his longtime partner. And Stern was just as eager to talk about O’Donnell’s lesbianism and her alleged antics when she was a single dyke-about-town.

In the sprawling interview, Stern asked O’Donnell about her time on The View and her relationships with former co-hosts Barbara Walters, Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and because he’s Howard Stern, he even tried to cajole her into playing the “F—, Marry, Kill” game with them. She declined with a laugh, saying, “I don’t think I would play with them. … Maybe f—, marry and kill myself!” The interview veered into more salacious territory from time to time, and because she’s Rosie O’Donnell, she didn’t hold anything back. Stern recounted a story he’d heard about her swinging single days that involved a penthouse full of naked women, and Rosie, genuinely amused, told him: “You want to know the real story? You can count on two hands the number of people that I’ve been with since I was 18 years old.”

After Stern had found 10 different ways to ask O’Donnell if she would ever consider having sex with his fiancée, Beth Ostrosky (O’Donnell politely declined each time), or have a threesome (she wouldn’t), the conversation inevitably veered into celebrity crush territory. Like all of our mothers, grandmothers and pet parakeets, O’Donnell said that she finds Angelina Jolie irresistible. She said: “She’s got a little darkness, a little kind of quirky weird sexuality going on. It’s not the wrapped perfect package like Beth, who I find very enjoyable.”

For the record, O’Donnell’s other crushes also include Angela Bassett, Penélope Cruz, Salma Hayek and Diane Lane. She even told Stern that she had found it sexy when Matthew McConaughey talked about cooking a chicken. I’m not sure what she said right after that, as my ears suddenly caught on fire.

Stern told O’Donnell that her partner, Kelli CarpenterO’Donnell, is beautiful, and then asked if their marriage was “still hot sexually.”

O’Donnell answered: “Yeah, but that’s because of her. I’m very fortunate to have a beautiful, loving, sexually-not-dysfunctional wife.”

Intermingled with all of the sex talk were discussions of O’Donnell’s childhood sexual abuse and how it has affected her life as an adult, walking away from a hit television show at the height of her fame, her LGBT cruise line, and even her thoughts on 9/11 conspiracy theories.

In the end, Stern acknowledged O’Donnell as a powerhouse and told her that he never thought she should have joined The View and that she works far better as a solo player. He even encouraged her to develop her own radio show on Sirius and promised her an hour-long audition spot for the gig. O’Donnell, who seemed genuinely interested, told him, “I would audition, I’m not above that.”

Later, O’Donnell responded to fan questions about her appearance on Stern’s show on her website, rosie.com. One of the questions was:

Leslie: You rocked on Howard! Will you take Howard up on his offer to do an hour show on Howard 101? Rosie: i will
Now wouldn’t that be interesting?

With a little digging you can turn up some pirated audio clips of the show on the internet. It’s worth the effort. Though I’ve never been a big fan of Stern, I found it riveting.

by Karman Kregloe

FINALLY, AN EXCUSE TO USE SAPPHO IN A HEADLINE According to the Guardian, out lesbian poet Carol Ann Duffy, 52, is “likely” to be the first female Poet Laureate in the United Kingdom (thanks to LeeAnn Kriegh for the tip). The job, which comes with a 10-year gig and an annual salary of less than £20,000, has previously been filled by such greats as Alfred Lord Tennyson and Cecil Day-Lewis. (But back in the day, they only got £100 and “a butt of sack” – that’s 108 gallons of sweet wine – for their verse. I guess poets do like to drink, don’t they?)

Back in 1999, Duffy was also under consideration for the post, but “her status then as the mother of a young child and as a woman in a lesbian relationship made her wary of taking up such a prominent national position.” Now that her daughter is older and she is no longer in a relationship with her former partner, Scottish poet Jackie Kay, apparently Duffy has been deemed more suitable for the position. As much as I think it’s cool that a woman (and a lesbian, at that) could finally become the British Poet Laureate, it’s weird that the Guardian would think that Duffy being single makes her a better candidate.

‘Cause being single doesn’t mean you’re no longer having lesbian sexual experiences. Now they’ll just have to contend with a lesbian Poet Laureate who goes out on dates.

Although maybe it’ll give her more fodder for poetry. I mean, did Sappho ever write about being in a happy, committed, long-term relationship? I rest my case.

BOOKISH LESBIANS UNITE! Last week the 2008 Lambda Literary Awards were announced, and several of the winners deserve a place in your beach bag this summer. See the whole list on this page, and here are my picks for what to read now:

  • Among Other Things, I’ve Taken Up Smoking by Aoibheann Sweeney (Penguin) – Winning the award for Lesbian Debut Fiction, this novel is told from the point of view of teenager Miranda, who lives with her eccentric father on a foggy island; the Washington Post describes it as “post-gay fiction,” but the author herself has said, “I always really felt strongly that it was a lesbian book.” Decide for yourself!
  • Split Screen by Brent Hartinger (HarperCollins) – This young-adult book won the Lammy in the Bisexual category because one of its two main characters is Asian-American bisexual teen Min (half the book is told from her perspective). I loved it, but you don’t have to take my word for it; read Sarah’s opinion here. (Full disclosure: The author also writes for AfterElton.com.)

  • The IHOP Papers by Ali Liebegott (Carroll & Graf) – Winning the Women’s Fiction Lambda award, I’d read this book for the cover alone (tattoos, check; wrist cuff, check), but even better, it’s about a 19-year-old IHOP waitress who moves to San Francisco in tragic pursuit of a love interest. I’m so there!
  • And Now We Are Going to Have a Party by Nicola Griffith (Payseur & Schmidt) – In the Women’s Memoir/Biography, Griffith’s beautifully made and intimately detailed memoir is a keeper. Plus there’s the sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll she talks about.
Other books of interest are: Out of Love by K.G. MacGregor (Women’s Romance); Wall of Silence by Gabrielle Goldsby (Women’s Mystery); First Person Queer: Who We Are (So Far) (LGBT Anthologies), a book of essays from writers including Sharon Bridgforth and Katherine V. Forrest; and Between Women: Friendship, Desire, and Marriage in Victorian England by Sharon Marcus (LGBT Studies), for the historical nerd in you.

So much to read! Good thing there are no lesbian/bi characters on TV to distract me.

– by Malinda Lo

BRUNCH WITH SPASHLEY This week on Brunch With Bridget, Gabrielle Christian (Spencer) and Mandy Musgrave (Ashley) from South of Nowhere hop into the sack with host Bridget McManus.

They talk about what it was like to film a few of the more memorable SoN scenes, and speculate about what a Spashley wedding might look like now that gay marriage is legal in California. I’ll bet that Ashley Davies is just the kind of girl who’d tie beer cans to her Porsche. Tune in this Sunday to find out.

COMING TO A NEIGHBORHOOD NEAR YOU THIS MONTH Attention Los Angeles AE readers:We’ve settled on a time and location for our informal meet-and-greet with the L.A.-based vloggers after the Pride Parade this Sunday, June 8. We’ll meet outside of The Normandie Room from 1 p.m. to 2:30 p.m. So far, Karman Kregloe, Dara Nai, Bridget McManus, Jill Bennett, Jackie Jones, Stacie Ponder, Heidi Martinuzzi (Ghostella), Tatum, Dalila, Nikki and producer Bethany Landing of Cherry Bomb, the cast and producers of 3Way, and Cathy DeBuono have confirmed that they’ll be there. Bridget and Cathy will also be joining the 3Way women in the Outfest booths (#72 and #74) during Pride. We’ll see you after the parade!

Attention San Francisco AE readers: The San Francisco AfterEllen.com Meet-up will take place on Sunday, June 22, from 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. at a location TBA (probably in the Castro – we’re finalizing the details right now and will let you know asap). Karman Kregloe and Bridget McManus will be in town shooting an episode of You Can’t Take Them Anywhere, so they’ll be there along with Malinda Lo and Sarah Pecora. You’ll also have a chance to win two tickets to a preview screening of Angelina Jolie‘s Wanted in San Francisco on June 26!

AFTERELLEN.COM VIDEO UPDATES Cathy DeBuono and I have decided we won’t be running What’s Your Problem? on AfterEllen.com anymore (just due to creative differences). But we have tons of respect for Cathy, and vice versa, and we’ll be letting you know where you can find her vlog as soon as she chooses its new home. In the meantime, you can keep up with all the latest Cathy news on her MySpace page and watch her in the DVD release of the charming comedy Out at the Wedding in August.

There really is no drama here, the decision was completely amicable. Cathy is absolutely someone we’ll continue to cover on AfterEllen.com, and we will always consider a part of our extended family, which is why we’ve asked her to attend the L.A. Meet-Up this weekend. Here’s a note from Cathy herself about this, “Hey everybody, I’m not going too far away, and I will continue to be an active part of the AfterEllen.com community. Sorry to make it uninteresting, but there are simply no bad guys here, things just evolve, and that can happen with love and respect.”

She Made Me Watch This! and Come With Me if You Want to Live are still on temporary hiatus due to travel schedules and technical issues. Sorry!

But we have lots of other great video for you in the next few weeks, including a new sports/fitness/comedy vlog launching next week called Walking Funny With Jennie McNulty, starring comedian Jennie McNulty. Her first guest is Bridget McManus, but future guests include Suzanne Westenhoefer, a professional women’s football player, and a skateboarder, all talking about fitness and sports-related topics.

Meanwhile, we have new episodes of U People, Lo Down, Girl Rock and Cherry Bomb today; a D.E.B.S.-themed Retro Reviewing on Saturday; and “Brunch With Spashley” on Sunday.

Then on Monday afternoon we’ve got the debut of Logo’s new reality series Gimme Sugar, and Monday morning, the last episode of This Just Out With Liz Feldman before Liz takes a break for a month or so. Here’s a clue to who her guests are in this episode: Yep It’s She. (And no, it’s not Ellen!)

All these and lots more fun videos later in the week! Hope you don’t have any actual work to do …

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! This week it was announced that k.d. lang will be inducted into Canada’s Walk of Fame on Sept. 6 in Toronto.

The first installment of a multi-episode story collaboratively written by four out lesbian/bi writers – Jeanette Winterson, Ali Smith, A.M. Homes and Jackie Kay – debuted in the Guardian last weekend (thanks LeeAnn!).

The third season of supernatural soap Dante’s Cove (here!), starring Jill Bennett, Michelle Wolff, Thea Gill and Jenny Shimizu (and some guys) is now available on DVD.

In case you missed it, we published the 2008 AfterEllen.com Hot 100 this week (watch the video countdown in four installments); there’s also a hottest women of color blog post. (I have one name for the latter: Sanaa Lathan. ‘Nuff said.)

– by Sarah Warn

That’s it for this week! Got the inside scoop on a hot new lesbian/bi actor/musician/TV show/film? Tell us at [email protected]. Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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