I discovered you on AfterEllen.com just a few months ago and I love to see how you help girls find answers to their questions/doubts. It’s awesome to have women like you to inspire us, advise us, and give us courage. I am a young woman, 25 years old, starting to be comfortable with the idea that I am bisexual. My closest friends and some that I have carefully selected know about it, but it is not something that I usually shout about.
Two weeks ago, I was chillin’ with a friend of mine (boy) at a restaurant drinking wine. By the end of the night we were drunk and decided to end our party at his friend’s house (girl). At that time, I didn’t knew much about her, but my friend kept telling me, “Don’t worry, it will be fun she is awesome, lesbian or bisexual, and she’s cute.” He was right: She was cute! One week ago, we were hanging out. I was high, she was a bit drunk and high, and I kissed her. She continued and we ended up having sex several times that night. (She doesn’t know it, but she’s the first girl I had sex with). When the time came to say goodbye, we told each other that we would have to call one another.
The next day, sober, I was so excited to renew the experience that I texted her and asked her if we would see each other that night. She answered me that she had to see her family but that it would not take too long. So I told her that if she wanted to see me and had time, she could call me. BUT NO NEWS from her that night or over the next three days. On the fourth day, I decided to send her a message on Facebook. In my message, I tried to act like nothing had happened, and act cool. A few hours later, she was answering me and telling me that she was sick and asked me how my internship search was going. I waited the next day to give her my answer. (A casual one.)
Since she’s a friend of a friend and our contact is minimal, I don’t know what to do or to think. I really like that girl but by reading her answers, I have the feeling she’s avoiding me or trying to forget what we did. I am always the first one sending messages. Do you think I should call her or let her know that I would be happy to see her again? Am I acting like a stalker or what? Should I forget her? Am I in love? Why did she agreed to have sex with me in the first place if she’s not interested? — A French Girl Totally Lost
That IS confusing, and I’m sorry she’s giving you the runaround, sugar shoes. It sounds like in the sober light of day, she may have had some second thoughts about what happened between the two of you. But it’s difficult to say without hearing it directly from her. If I were you, I’d send her one last message—don’t play it cool though, allow yourself to be a little bit vulnerable. Tell her something like, “Hey, I had fun making out with you the other week and would like to take you out on a date to get to know you better. If you’re not into that, then that’s cool, and we can be friends. But I just wanted to clear the air a little.”
You’re not at all acting like a stalker. You just wanna know what’s up—a perfectly reasonable expectation after you hook up with someone for the first time. It’s not like you’re picking out matching grave plots or something. Good luck, AFGTF, and don’t be afraid to use your words.
illustration by Natasha Miren
I’m a college sophomore who came to terms with liking girls over the summer. Last year, I had a massive crush on a girl in one of my classes (but chalked it up to “admiration”) and we became close friends. She’s generally very flirty and physically affectionate, but somehow, out of all our female friends, I’m the one she likes to cuddle in bed, whose hand she likes to play with while we talk, and who she is proud to have made out with at a party last year. We didn’t talk much when we each went home for the summer, and over that time, I realized that it was, in fact, a crush.
We have a class together this semester so we’ve been hanging out a lot more and the same behavior from last year makes me feel deceitful. I don’t have a crush on her anymore, but letting her still cuddle/handhold without being out to her feels dirty to me. It’s even worse when she talks about me meeting guys, and I don’t correct her which definitely seems like lying by omission.
I know that the easiest solution to this stress is to just come out to her, but I’m worried about how that will change our dynamic. Part of the reason we got so close is because it’s so easy to talk about everything, and if she thinks I’m into her then that aspect of our friendship will disappear. I’m afraid that due to the physical stuff, it’ll come off like the stupid “predatory lesbian” stereotype, and she’ll think that I’ve taken advantage of her.
Any ideas on how to come out? And if so, should it include telling her about my crush from last year? — Non-Predatory Queer
Come out, come out, wherever you are! I know it’s hard to come out, especially after you’ve had plenty of opportunities to do so, but still didn’t. I’ve been there—many of us have. There’s this sliver of a moment in the conversation where you can say, “Wait, I heart vaginas!” but then a fraction of a second later, the moment has passed, and now your person has moved on to talking about how much they love Sriracha hot sauce, and to bring up your love of vaginas again would be AWK CITY.
But really, coming out is for the best. It’s not good for our well-beings to lie about something intrinsic to ourselves, if we can help it. You don’t have to tell her about the crush you had on her, but at the very least, you should tell her you like girls. Here’s a script, if you need one:
“Hey Friend Who Holds My Hand Sometimes, I need to tell you something. I feel a little silly and should have brought it up earlier, but I was afraid it might impact our friendship. I don’t want it to. But just to let you know, I like girls. And [whatever else you wanna say about it, your sexuality, etcetera].”
And then listen to what she says in return. She might want to lay off all the hand-holding or other markers of affection, but then again, she might care. If she’s willing to MAKE OUT with her platonic friends, I’m thinking she probably won’t make a big deal out of being a little affectionate with you. You’ll never know until you ask though, so get on that.
If, for some weird reason, she turns out to be a homophobic jerk when you tell her you like the ladies, then, well, good riddance to that. It may hurt in the short-term, but in the long run it’ll save you a lot more grief and heartache to know how she really feels sooner than later. But it’ll probably be fine. People surprise us, but only if we let them.