Broadcast TV execs lay off all actresses playing lesbian characters; no one affected

Pink slips were issued today by executives at the five major broadcast networks for all actors playing regular or recurring lesbian roles on a primetime scripted series.

Approximately no actresses were affected by the decision, a fact which not all network execs seemed aware of.

“Unfortunately, given the declining state of the economy, we felt this step was necessary to reign in spending,” said CW Entertainment President Dawn Ostroff in an internal email explaining the cuts.

GLAAD released a statement praising the cuts as “a positive step forward for lesbian visibility.”

ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson blamed the cuts on the economy, and on the actresses themselves for consistently “talking about things in a manner that serves them and not the reality.”

Fox Entertainment President Kevin Reilly informed staffers of the cuts via email, noting that this would not effect showrunners’ ability to hire actresses for single-episode lesbian roles during sweeps periods, “as long as you remember to use the lesbian content for promos and then edit most of it out of the actual broadcast, like we did on House,” noting, “That was awesome!”

ABC’s McPherson also carved out exceptions for lesbian roles during sweeps, “if they’re hot teenage girls.” Adult lesbians are only allowed, he added, “if they’re pregnant or sleeping with men.”

In her email announcing the cuts, CBS Entertainment President Nina Tassler cited the complete absence of any lesbian characters among the casts of any of the popular CSI franchises over the last seven years as evidence of CBS’s “excellent fiscal foresight in minimizing future layoffs.”

The cuts apply to new shows in development for next season, as well as current shows. NBC Entertainment President Jeff Zucker pointed out to his staff that, “we weren’t planning to include any, anyway.”

Execs at all five networks warned that they may have to cut back on talent playing bisexual roles next. The three actresses who would affected by these additional cuts — Olivia Wilde, Sara Ramirez and Michaela Conlin — could not be reached for comment.

Women playing leading Asian American characters may be the next to go, according to industry sources, which would put up to another dozen actresses out of work.

This is a Fake Gay News post — part of series of satirical blog posts about entertainment. That means it’s (mostly) not true.