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A Skin Care Guide for Cheap Gay Girls

It has come to my attention that most of you aren’t taking care of your skin. Some of you aren’t even using face wash! Ladies: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

Your skin is incredibly important. It contains everything that makes you a functioning, living person. For the rest of your life, your skin will be there. Glaring at you. Aging. Blemishing. Dying a little more every day. Just. Like. You. So let’s make it count, and nurture our epidermises like the magnificent butterfly miracles they are.

This article will break down three different but equally simple regimes that you (yes, you!) can afford and implement with minimal annoyance. With just a few steps in the morning and night, your skin will glow with health and cleanliness. This isn’t about bending to the patriarchy or oppressive beauty standards; this is about doing something good for your body without spending a significant chunk of money. Every product I list comes with excellent ratings, glowing reviews, and a price tag of less than $30.

Let the self-love commence!

THE BASICS Face Wash  

Cruel Awakening: Your skin is dirty. You can’t just wake up and splash some water on it like an expositional sitcom scene and think that those cheeks are not riddled bacteria. Imagine a cheeseburger. It looks super tasty at first, but by the end of the day, dirt, sweat, and life have wilted it to a sad, sad burger that only a drunk poor person (meee) would eat. Sweat and oil dribble out of your glands (ghastly words), dirt and dust particles waft into your pore, pollution and sun damage take their cruel toll. So just wash your face.

If you have: Dry Skin

Try Neutrogena Ultra Gentle Daily Cleanser, $9

 

If you have: Oily Skin

Try Mario Badescu Badescu Enzyme Gel, $15

If you have: Sensitive Skin

Try Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser, $11

If you have: Combination Skin

Try Mario Badescu Glycolic Foaming Cleanser, $15

Moisturizer

No matter what kind of skin you have, you should use moisturizer-even if it’s a grease slick. Why? Because there are good oils and bad oils. By cleansing and toning your face, you are removing the bad oils. Those now need to be replaced by good oils. Also, if you’re using acne or wrinkle products, those drying ingredients can over parch your skin, resulting in flakes and redness and making it way harder for your skin to bounce back with a new, better layer. I apply moisturizer morning and night, but you can try just using it in the morning if you’re worried about over-saturating. Also, moisturizer is great for layering! Just slap it over whatever else you’re using.

If you have: Dry Skin

Try Cetaphil Moisturizing Cream, $9

If you have: Oily Skin

Try Neutrogena Oil Free Moisturizer SPF 15, $10

If you have: Sensitive Skin

Try Eucerin Daily Protection Moisturizing Face Lotion SPF 30, $9

If you have: Combination Skin

Try CeraVe Facial Moisturizing Lotion AM, $15

Fixers Pimple Killer

Clean & Clear’s Persa-Gel 10 Acne Medication, $7

DIE FUCKER DIE DIE DIE.

 

Oil Control To Go

Clean & Clear Oil Absorbing Sheets, $6

We went through a whole pack of these shooting The Lphabet. You don’t know how shiny you are until a man with a camera tells you repeatedly.

 

Wrinkle Wrangler

Olay Regenerist Advanced Anti-Aging Regenerating Serum, $20

Wrinkles are inevitable, but they don’t have to reach Mariana Trench depths. Prevention is your best bet in aging gracefully.

 

Dark Spot Fader

Ambi Skincare Fade Cream, $6

Your pimple is gone! Hurrah! Oh wait-JK, stop the celebration! There’s a dark purple/brown/red spot where that sucker once lurked and it intends to squat there looking ugly for the next couple months. Dark spots are beyond cruel, but there is help: regular application of a dark spot fading cream. It is boring and requires time and effort but that’s just life. Here’s a good, cheap dark spot fader that actually works.

 

Eye Cream

Olay Regenerist Regenerating Eye Lifting Serum, $24

Eyes are the window to your soul and proximity to death.

 

Weekly Mask

Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay Deep Pore Cleansing Mask, $10

Super messy to make but fun to feel pulsing all up in your pores. Always follow with moisturizer, lay off anything drying until the next day.

 

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