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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.05): Mama said there’d be gays like this

Like any good PFLAG mom, Mama Rizzoli is doing all she can to help elect a politician with a platform she supports. Same-sex marriage? Gay adoption? The right to remain Sexy McBadass? Nope, the right to healthier school lunches. Well, baby steps. But at least, as her daughter astutely notes, Mama R is using glitter to make her signs. Next step, chanting “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!” in Boston Common.

Jane saunters into Maura’s place in the morning with nary a knock as Mama R is glitterbombing and Maura is shopping therapizing. Guess someone got her house key back after the whole experimentation with beards from the last couple of weeks. Maura is unpacking new scuba gear, but mostly just being adorable. Jane gives her girlfriend that, this is why I love you you crazy cute thing look. And then she finds Maura has also purchased safari gear for an “Outback lady walk.” Right, if there isn’t a lesbian safari tour company called Outback Lady Walk already, I call it. This is gonna be huge. Just then who should come into the house (also without knocking, which Jane notes defensively — only she can do that), but Giovanni. Oh, G, how I’ve missed you and your ability to bring out the LLBFF in our ladies. He tells Maura and Jane they look hot, because they do. And then gives his obligatory, “If you two ever decide to bat for the other team.” To which Jane replies quickly, “Not on your team.” Because of The Gay. They’re gay. They’re totally gay for each other. And other gay things. Like tennis. And softball. And solving crimes.

Mama R has enlisted Giovanni’s help with her campaigning. He has made a T-shirt for the occasion to, which reads, “You Want This Dud.” Oh, Giovanni, never change. While he turns his attention away from the LLBFFs to hit on Mama R, Jane realizes what all of Maura’s purchases are really about. She is stressing about her long-lost birth mother, Hope. Yeah, remember that subplot? I know, almost forgot what with all the disposable Beards of the Week distracting us and all. Good thing our girls found some razors and shaved those duds off this week. Maura says she hasn’t been thinking about Hope, but Jane knows better. She knows all her shopping is just a way to distract her from finding her birth mom. Maura spouts some statistics about the percentage of adopted children who want to find their birth parents, because when in emotional crisis nothing comforts her more than statistics. Then on the way to the crime scene, Jane realizes that her girlfriend doth protest too much.

In one of those, ah-ha I am totally onto you moments, she pushes Maura up against the dumpster with one finger and corners her into telling the truth. Something tells me this is not the first time Jane has pushed Maura up against something using only one finger — and also not the last time. Jane then tells Maura she’d better fess up or she’ll break out into hives from lying. Because she also knows Maura’s unique skin chemistry intimately. So intimately. Maura confesses that, indeed, she has found out who Hope was. But she doesn’t know what she wants to do with the information. Luckily, she has a case to distract her. The team has found a young woman, badly beaten with her hands burned in a dumpster. Maura immediately strips down. Hey, you’d do the same thing is Det. Jane Rizzoli just pushed you up against a dumpster. She puts on her handy Tyvex suit and then proceeds to dumpster dive. Which is also a naughty euphemism for what I imagine those two do together often after Jane gets, um, pushy. Back in Maura’s office, she’s online when Jane walks in — again without knocking. Maura says she was just checking the weather but, as we all know, Jane knows Maura better. She goes to check her laptop and Maura snaps at her. The Adorable Bickersons are back, bitches! But then Jane keeps pushing and Maura admits she was checking out her mother’s Wikipedia page. Yes, her mother has a Wikipedia page. Don’t be surprised, this is the birth mother of Dr. Maura Isles after all.

Jane checks it out and then makes the face of a woman who realizes the face of the woman she loves is smiling back at her, only in a slightly older form.

Indeed, Dr. Hope Martin looks astonishingly like Maura. Way to go Rizzoli & Isles casting department. Dr. Martin is an accomplished doctor and forensic pathologist. She works with women and children in war-torn countries and helps identify the bodies of genocide victims. And she’s giving Maura a case of the under accomplishments. I know, it’s inconceivable. Jane thinks the same thing and immediately begins to prop her girlfriend up. Aw, that’s 100 Good Girlfriend Points for you, Jane.

Hope has lived abroad the last 20 years and has an 18-year-old daughter. But now she’s back in Boston and Jane urges Maura to meet her. Maura doesn’t want to turn her life upside down. But Jane says it’s a far better thing for her birth mother to have Maura in her life. This, she knows from experience. Having Maura is so much better than not having Maura. Then Jane says, “Late is a million times better than never.” This is true. Same could be said of coming out. Just saying, you two. Then Jane, quite literally, drags Maura off the couch to make her go do her autopsy because she knows those always make her girlfriend feel better. All the while Maura is giving the perfect “I don’t wanna! You can’t make me!” pouty faces. The Dr. Maura Isles Adorableness Meter is off the charts this episode, I tell ya. After dealing with her sulky girlfriend, Jane goes to deal with a squabbling couple who might have information about the case. But unlike the Adorable Bickersons, this couple is just annoyingly argumentative. But Jane and Frost do find out the victim stole the woman’s ID and was pretending to be her. After a felony act of baby waking by the grump husband, Frost tells Jane he’s never having kids. Look, you two, gay couples can have kids. Adoption, surrogates, artificial insemination. There’s hope for you and Frankie yet, Frost.

As they head back into the office, Jane is stopped in her tracks by a presence inside. It’s Sister Winifred, the meanest nun in the history of mean nuns. At least she must be, because what else would make Det. Sexy McBadass make this scared face? She has won a grant to work with crime victims, though clearly not based on her soothing and compassionate nature. She chides Jane for being, well, Jane and says she’s surprised the child who kicked out cafeteria window is now on the side of the law. OK, I don’t care how mean she is, I want more stories about Jane’s misspent youth as a badass 7-year-old.

Jane escapes to the comforting safety of the autopsy room and Maura. She complains to her about how “Sister Bitcher” hit her with a ruler because she misspelled “flamboyant.” Um, why was the word “flamboyant” on a second grade spelling test at a Catholic school, Maura asks? Well because it was that obvious what Jane was even in second grade at a Catholic school, that’s why.

But back to the case, because we all really super care about the case. Oh, sorry, I meant the opposite of that. The victim’s brain bounced around in her skull because of a fall. Jane makes a crack about this not being her first rodeo when Maura uses a medical term and gets told, “It takes longer when you make jokes.” At this point I have too many jokes and I’m just going to let you all insert your own here. Go right ahead. I’ll wait. Oh, good ones. Jane agrees. Maura finds that one of the victim’s fingers isn’t as burned and could get a print. She says she read the technique in an article by Dr. Hope Martin. Jane says they should call Dr. Hope Martin. Maura says no and snips off the tip herself. And down goes Frost, who passes out. Quick someone call Frankie to help revive him.

Sister Winifred is unleashing hell on the Boston Police Department Homicide Squad. She chastises Korsak for liking the word “awesome.” She tells everyone Frankie’s real name is “Francesco.” And she makes Frost admit his full first name is “Barold.” Now if she can get Francesco and Barold to admit they’re a couple, I’d love her even more. In the lab, Maura is going all A Beautiful Mind on the formula to rehydrate the figure. Jane implores her to call her birth mother for help. Plus it would give her a chance to meet her on a level playing field first. Maura is all, “Uh uh, don’t wanna.” But then relents. So, being the professional that she is she calls her. This is the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, not some terrified teenager. And then as soon as she picks up she turns into a terrified teenager.

She thrusts the phone at Jane. Jane protests, but then picks up. She gives the phone back to Maura, who protests and gives it back. And so on and so cute. Ugh, you two. You’re like the stars of a 1930s couple comedy with your banter and your chemistry. Jane ends up asking her if she’ll do a consult and she says she’ll be there in half an hour. This sends Maura into even more of a tizzy, so they go to the cafĂ© to calm down. But instead they find Mama R has turned it into an election headquarters complete with everyone’s favorite dimwit bringer of LLBFFness, Giovanni. He’s doing some sort of silly putting peppers on his pizza dance which is enough to turn even a straight girl gay. But since they aren’t, it just reaffirms their orientation and relief at having each other instead.

Secure with the knowledge that they have each other, Jane engages in a bunch of reassuring Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching to help an unnerved Maura prepare to meet her maker. In fact, she hasn’t lost contact with Maura the whole time. Sometimes all you need is a light touch, just to know the person you love is there and cares to make all the difference.

Just then Dr. Hope Martin arrives, spouting facts about the bitter birch wood used in coffee stick stirrers and generally making us all go, “Damn, Sasha Alexander and Sharon Lawrence really do look a lot alike.” Jane and Mama R introduce themselves heartily, because it never hurts to make a good first impression on the in-laws. And then a beaming Jane tenderly introduces Maura, her pride and joy. Aw, look at this big happy family. Maura starts to babble about chemical solutions and Hope asks her if she’s OK. Her neck has broken out into hives. Jane covers for her saying she’s allergic to Brazil nuts. Well, I wouldn’t be all that upset if she was actually allergic to and tried to avoid a certain kind of nuts. Ahem.

Jane and Mama R make themselves scarce so Maura can have mother-“person she doesn’t know is her daughter yet” bonding time. Hope asks Maura is she has her epi pen and Maura points to Jane as she leaves. Aw, Jane is like her Swiss Army knife of life.

In the lab, Hope is showing Maura her solution to help her “speak for the dead.” She says she did her work in part to “punish herself” for getting pregnant with an evil man’s child when she was 18. So that’s not awkward or anything given that child is standing right across from her. Also, for a genius doctor isn’t it a little odd she hasn’t mentioned the fact that she’s basically looking into a mirror? Someone else without a clue, Giovanni, has just given Mama R a nice thank-you present for getting him politically involved. It is, of course, a red, white and blue glittery peek-a-boo piece of lingerie. Mama R is justifiably horrified and scolds Giovanni for being so aggressive. He says he’s lonely. And he was even taking it easy on her on account of her being old. Oh, Giovanni, never ever change.

In the lab the Maura’s Motherboard (because of the science and computer-like recitation of obscure facts) has cracked the case by getting a usable print. She hugs Maura in a moment of jubilation, which causes Maura’s eye sockets to start leaking. And then strange squeaking sounds to come out of her mouth. Jane covers and says she gets emotional when she breaks a big case. Maura tells Jane she’s never going to tell her she’s her daughter. And Jane makes the panicked face of a woman who has no idea what to do with her hysterically crying girlfriend. The print leads to the victim’s identity, but what we really care about is that it leads to a cute Frostie moment. Frankie is complaining about Sister Winifred and says she made him run away in the second grade. Frost asks if he plans to take his Thomas the Tank Engine backpack and run away again. Then he asks Jane, “Can I take him?” Geez, you guys. Stop hogging all the subtext.

Sister Winifred is also tormenting Jane, making her thank the Lord before eating her peanut butter and fluff sandwich. Jane obliges, but says she wishes it had more peanut butter and less fluff. Guess she’ll have to tell Maura to go easy on the marshmallow next time she packs her lunch.

The case leads them to dig up an old case of the victim’s best friend’s murder. The body was found in an old lady’s basement. Maura asks if she could have been the killer and Jane says, “doubtful.” Maura says so she could have killed her and Jane says, “No.” This confuses the Maura’s computing system. Then Jane gives her a flirty little, “I just wanted you to know what uncertainty felt like.” Maura’s face dissolves into immediate tears and Jane’s face scrunches into immediate concern. Jane, I’m going to have to take back the 100 Good Girlfriend Points I gave you earlier. Because making your honey cry about her birth mom and then not immediately wrapping her up in your arms into an enormous hug is simply unacceptable. Also unacceptable, at least to Sister Winifred, is Jane forgetting the “Tidy Desk, Tidy Mind” song. Jane, however, remembers it all too well — with modifications. “Tidy farts and whitey butts, I can see your underwear!” Say hello to Det. Jane Rizzoli, the best crime-fighting 7-year-old in the Boston Police Department’s Homicide Squad.

Maura runs up excited with news about Motherboard Martin, who dropped in during the midst of her good cry. She identified the soap mummy on site, which elicited a “you’re amazing” from her secret daughter. Now Maura is all excitedly tells Jane that her that her secret mother “likes Montepulciano, Lebanese zucchini and science fiction.” Um, is Lebanese zucchini code for dildo? Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree after all.

Maura finds another break in the case (don’t worry, I won’t go into detail because that’s so not why we’re here). Jane quickly deduces it involves the politician Mama R was so hot on. When Maura asks how she knew, Jane says a little sly, “Because I am also amazing.” Aw, someone is a little jealous. The team is closing in on the killer. To speed things along Jane grabs a swab to test for blood on a piece of evidence. Maura insists that’s her job. Then, to show her girlfriend she can do Jane’s job, she takes a guess at what happened. A shocked Jane says she can’t guess, she’ll get hives. But Maura corrects her that she’s theorizing, which is perfectly a perfectly acceptable part of the scientific process.

The detectives get the proof they need to turn their theories into cold hard convictions and the cases are closed. Oh, sorry, the campaign manager did it. And the politician helped cover it up. Yadda yadda yadda. With the streets of Boston once again a safer place, Jane and Maura go out for a celebratory drink at the Dirty Robber. There they find Sister Winifred drinking alone and reading in a booth.

Maura asks Jane if they should join her. When the sister declines, Jane of course decides they must and scoots in, patting the booth for Maura to slide in next to her. Those two, it’s just second nature to be coupley and cute. When they sit down, the cover on Sister Winifred’s copy of The Sounds and the Fury falls off. Underneath is the book On the Angel’s Wings of Desire. I’m guessing that’s the 50 Shades of Gray for the Catholic set. Sister Bitcher has a kinky side, I like it. Jane and Maura have a good laugh about it, and then both secretly wish they’d taken a peek inside the book. It never hurts to get some new ideas sometimes.

The saucy nun leaves only to have a sulky Giovanni walk up instead. The ladies try to cheer him with an obligatory, “You look hot.” But he is too disillusioned about the political process to even offer up a single threesome fantasy. Then Jane urges him to run for office himself, and aim high. The presidency maybe even. Think of the interns, Giovanni. Skirts optional. Now that’s what I call a lesbian bonding moment. Now, here is a sampling of your much more satisfied #gayzzoli tweets from this episode. See what good a little gay can do for a person’s mood? Speaking of a little gay, did y’all notice that Jamie Babbit of But I’m a Cheerleader and Itty Bitty Titty Committee directed this episode? Like I was saying, a little gay around never hurts. Nope, not at all.

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