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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.05) — A Prayer for Paige McCullers

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Emily got her drink on, and then her grave-rob on. Mona ascended to the right hand of God, and then descended on occasion to shine her glory upon the mortals at Radley Institute for the Criminally Insane. Caleb broke up with Hanna because she refused to stop getting run-under by cars. Aria still didn’t know what all the fuss was about with regards to this “A” person. And Nathan St. Germain strolled into town and tried to ruin everything we’ve worked so hard to build.

Emily, Hanna, and Spencer are on their way out for a midnight snack, but they barely make it off of Emily’s porch before they nauseate themselves to the point where they can’t even think about eating. They’re worried about Hanna, for starters, because she’s so torn out of the frame about Caleb dumping her she’s been wearing yoga pants without accessories for like a full week. Also, the “negatives” of that photo of them digging up Ali’s grave are floating around somewhere and who even knows when A is going to “fax” a copy of those things over to the “newspaper” and get the girls in even more trouble. While they’re working themselves into a tizzy and saying more words from the ’80s, an ambulance pulls up across the street and wheels off Garrett’s mom, who has, of course, been drugged into a coma by the hooded figure creeping around in the shadows.

Another beautiful morning in Rosewood Square. Aria has purchased a sackful of food for Ezra, which rubs him the wrong way real bad. He’s like, “Number one, I am not a homeless rodeo clown like Hanna’s boyfriend, OK? And number two, while I appreciate the gesture, your money is kind of your parents’ money at this point, which means these sandwiches are a gift from Byron Montgomery’s hand, and frankly, I’d rather f–king starve.” Lucas interrupts their squabble by … I don’t even know how to describe what he is doing right now. He’s kind of walking backwards and turning in circles with his arms out to his sides and running as fast as he can toward this photography studio and hurling his whole body at the window and shouting all the while about how he wants his shit back. My beagle ate one of my Adderall caplets over the weekend, and this is almost exactly what it looked like.

At school, Paige spies Emily in the courtyard. She averts her eyes and tries to sneak by, but this show never met some tweenage movie product placement it didn’t like – remember when Hanna was talking about The Justin Bieber Experience and she called him “The Biebs” – so Emily stops her to invite her to go watch Katy Perry shoot whipped cream from her nipples in 3D at the Rosewood multiplex. Paige is like, “I mean, I guess? It’s just that I’ve been under the impression you’re avoiding me because of how I was trying to make out with your face at the exact time your girlfriend was getting murdered a couple of months ago? And then a couple of months before that, I had tried to destroy my own personal internalized homophobia by choking you to death under water? I figured, you know, even though my hair is great now and our chemistry is ca-razy, maybe you weren’t into that whole ‘hot mess’ thing.” Emily smiles so sweetly and goes, “I have a bracelet made of human teeth in my purse, girl. Hot messes are kind of my thing.”

Jenna’s eyeballs are still alive and well, thank you very much, and she is showcasing them around the school building, just smizing it up and handing out birthday party invitations. Paige scurries by her and hollers, “Congratulations!!!!!!!” And then Emily and Jenna eye-f–k a little bit. You can tell me I’m an insane person, but that’s three times they’ve stared each other down now and almost caught their own pants on fire. It’s a thing that’s happening.

Hanna, looking fine indeed in a regular ol’ grey t-shirt, has decided not to go to school, but instead to stay home and listen to Bon Iver and cry herself to sleep. Ashley’s like, “Your choices are school or church, honey.” And Hanna goes, “Another idea I had is I’LL THROW MYSELF OUT MY WINDOW!” 

God bless your ministry, Hanna Marin.

At school, Spencer and Emily cower in the courtyard and squint hatefully at Jenna and tally all the horrible things she’s done to them over the years. Spencer is like, “When you add this whole ‘Oh, I’m using my eyeballs to see’ thing to all of the other things, the total ways she’s wronged any of us is zero.” Emily’s like, “I know. What a bitch. I’m going to say something to her!” She acts like she’s just going to storm on over there and accost her in front of everyone, like, “Are you looking?!?!” But Spencer pulls her back and feeds her two clues to calm her nerves. 1) Aria saw Lucas trying to break into a photography studio where she used to work, which is probably where he was skulking off to that night they saw him at 4:00 a.m. 2) Garrett’s getting out of jail to visit his dying mom.

Jenna hand-delivers invitations to Spencer and Emily, and when Emily sneers, “What’s inside?” Jenna goes, “A firecracker. BOOOM! You’re blind. Just kidding, it’s an invite to my birthday.” Spencer says they had a deal, which isn’t really something I remember. I mean, I remember Jenna pleading with the Liars to keep her secret because she’s a victim too, but I’m pretty sure if Jenna had made a pact/blood oath with them, I would have remembered. Anyway, she says probably the most revealing thing about her character, and also gives some heavy insight into the message of this whole show, which I think is one of the most female-empowering things happening on TV right now. She says, “This is the new deal: I feel a lot safer when I am in charge of what happens to me.”

I don’t have time to blather on about it, but isn’t that really the backbone of this whole narrative? Who’s in charge of women and their hyper-charged sexuality? Is it the Byron Montgomerys of the world with their True Love Waits projects? The Ians and Jasons with their exploitation? Society wants to control female sexuality, and when they can’t cage it, or convince women that the sole purpose of it is to satisfy the male gaze, or manipulate women into feeling less than because they can’t attain the “perfection” of a magazine cover image, or press upon women that age-old church idea that their bodies belong to their fathers and then to their husbands, they’ll try to squash it right out of them. It’s easy money, it’s easy politics, and it’s gross, gross, gross. Just think for one second what would happen if every lady you know stood up and said, “This is the new deal: I’m in charge of what happens to me.”

At Rear Window, Emily’s boss tells her she’ll have to taste Paige’s cherry chapstick another night, because he needs a hand working Jenna’s birthday party. Emily goes, “Goddamn, I hate that bitch.” She’s there planning her party with a photographer who has one of those hats you see old ladies wearing when they’re covered in pigeons and singing about tuppens. Having been a victim of surveillance culture in ways we don’t even know about yet, Jenna has decided to hire her own photographer for this party, to document every detail. The photographer is named Laurel Tuckman and she is drunk. She’s like, “Has anyone seen my glasses? Probably my assistant Lucas stole them when he was stealing every other thing from my studio and sneaking in to develop photos of girls digging up graves. Has anyone seen my glasses?” Emily overhears the whole thing and reports it to Mission Control.

Nate comes in and blah blah blah who cares whatever.

At Spencer’s, Aria is a little bit worried about how Ezra reacted to the turkey sandwiches she bought him earlier in the morning. Spencer goes, “Look, I feel you. One minute, you’re just trying to keep him from starving, and the next minute you’re stealing your sister’s engagement ring and pawning it in East Egg to buy him a truck. It’s a slippery slope.” Aria gets a text from Fitz saying he’s been invited to Jenna’s birthday party also. Jenna may be a modern feminist marvel, but she’s also never met a mind she didn’t want to f–k. She is such quality.

Emily is trying on clothes for Paige in the dark, apologizing about how they’ll have to see Katy Perry next week because of horrible Jenna’s horrible party. Paige is like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you over the sound of you unbuttoning your shirt.” She offers to help Emily with her clip-on tie, but neither of them can get it to fasten onto Emily’s button-up. Paige goes, “It’s harder than it looks.” And Emily goes, “What? Your lady-boner?” They giggle and move apart so Emily can get a real tie out of her closet and Paige can root around in Emily’s dresser and find the flask from the night she went missing. Emily gives it to her as a gift, and I kind of think that’s a really weird present, but I also know you shouldn’t look a liquor horse in the mouth.

Spencer opens her front door and Hanna crawls in singing James Blunt in a whimper. “Goodbye, my lover! Goodbye, my friend!” Spencer’s like, “What’s with the regular teenager clothes?” Hanna snaps that she’s too depressed to work a zipper, and then the usual:

Spencer: It is the halfway point of the show, so I’d like to point out that everyone is “A.”

Hanna: Agreed.

Aria: “A”?

Spencer thinks Jenna’s party is some kind of ruse to get the whole town in one place at one time so Garett can use his compassion furlough to do some shady dealings. That actual plausible theory is overshadowed, however, by the ominous way Aria announces her intention to Do Something for once in her feather-lady life. She’s like, “Oh, I’m going to Jenna’s birthday, you guys. I’m going to attend the motherf–king hell out of it.” The camera lingers on her for ten minutes before it fades out to a commercial.

At the church rummage sale, a Luke Danes sort of fellow introduces himself to Ashley Marin, who has only stopped by to stuff some some sandwiches into Hanna’s mouth because she hasn’t eaten in weeks. He’s cute, but he has a penis and lives in Rosewood and so I am immediately suspicious of his intentions. Ashely is not. She invites him to do sexual things to her, kind of, by way of peanut butter cookie innuendo. (My second-favorite kind of innuendo.)

Ezra wants to take Aria out to a nice dinner in New Hope, but, as you know, she has already made clear her intentions to celebrate Jenna’s birth. Ezra for real goes, “Seriously?” And Aria explains that it was his influence that helped her see Jenna as a human being and not vendetta-seeking cyborg with a heart full of doom. As a reward for her empathy, Ezra gives her a brown paper bag! Hahaha! Like from those masks they made for his website page! Wait, no. That’s just the wrapping paper. Inside is one of those TLR cameras from back when “negatives” were actually a thing. She is overjoyed. He is overjoyed. But still they are going to Jenna’s birthday party.

At Rosewood General Hospital, Spencer is using her gold medal hide and seek skills to spy on Garrett’s compassion furlough. On the phone, she bitches to Emily about his every move: “He’s buying her wilted carnations, of course, because he’s the grim reaper of cheapass-ness. Oh! He’s writing her a card! Coma patients can’t read cards! I’ll bet it’s a message to A! I’ve got to find out – gah! I’ve been dimed out to the popos, gotta bounce!”

At Jenna’s party, the theme of which is Blind Girl Craft Fair Attends a Royal Wedding in Wonkaville, Paige is dressed as a lesbian. So is Nate, actually. My girlfriend has that hat. Both of those hats. Paige watches Emily watch Nate, and there’s suddenly this ticking noise in the background, and Emily’s like, “What’s that ticking noise?” And Paige goes, “My entire person is a hand grenade of neuroses and Cousin Nate just pulled my pin.” She rushes off to skulk and drink in the shadows while Nate meanders over and asks Emily how to get into Jenna’s pants. Emily’s like, “Sorry, you’ll have to ask her brother.”

Back at the rummage sale, Hanna finds herself face-to-sleeve with the jacket Emily was wearing the night she stole Ali’s body. You know it’s an alarming revelation when Hanna skips the text message and goes straight for actual phone. “I thought you burned your grave-robbing clothes,” she hisses at Emily’s voicemail. “Call me back, Liar!”

Aria and Ezra arrive at the party, and Jenna tries to stare a hole through him like she’s some kind of Jason DiLaurentis. Lasers, the whole thing. Ezra is properly unnerved, and she’s like, “Sorry, I didn’t expect you to look so much like Canadian wonderlover Gilbert Blythe.” Aria fully leaves him locked in Jenna’s trackbeam gaze so she can mine Laurel Truckman for information about Lucas.

Paige stumbles into the kitchen where Emily is stacking French macaroons on a plate. She’s like, “Sorry, Paige. I can’t talk to my friends or else I’ll get fired.” And here it comes, y’all. Paige goes, “Oh, right, I guess that’s why it was cool that you were talking to Maya’s cousin Nate. He’s not your friend; he’s YOUR LOVER.” Aria interrupts their quarrel to spill coffee all over Laurel Tuckman’s camera equipment on purpose. Emily’s like, “This room is getting too weird, even for me. Bye.”

Paige follows her out into the party and starts poking around in all of Jenna’s cupcakes, looking for a coconut one, which pleases the birthday girl not at all. She marches over and tells Paige to stop sticking her finger in all the desserts and Paige goes, “TELL COUSIN NATE TO STOP STICKING HIS FINGER IN ALL THE DESSERTS!” (Seriously, though, “I’m not going to stop until I find a coconut!” has got to be my favorite thing anyone has ever said on this show.) Paige Smooth tries to turn her cupcake hysterics into a slow jam with Emily, but falls over an Oompa Loompa and busts her head on a snow globe.

God, I love Paige McCullers. That wild, untamable heart, plagued so long by hard, forbidden thoughts. On fire with jealousy and unspeakable hope. Searching, searching for a balm for her heartache, landing always in the path of the girl who made it all look so easy. So pretty. So right. And always getting it so wrong. Tripping over self-loathing, tripping over public rejection, tripping over her own motives and white hot desire and the bodies of all those dead girls piled up at Emily’s feet.

Emily and Nate drag Paige’s ass to the hospital, where: a) Hanna shows up to give Emily that coat she meant to torch at Spencer’s. b) Spencer sneaks off to Garrett’s mom’s room, where she finds a hidden message in her hospital bracelet. (“April Rose has the answer.”) c) Nate tries to kill Garrett with his bare hands. d) Paige reveals that the flask Emily gave her was full of roofies.

Back at the party, Aria’s coaxes Laurel Tuckman’s studio keys away from her, and bolts on over there to steal Lucas’ stuff. He’s still hurling himself at the door and barking, and for a second, it looks like he’s going to beat her up to get his negatives, but Fitz shows up just in time to scare him away. He’s like, “Aria! Why do you keep leaving me with Jenna! She’s scary! I know you’re just avoiding me because you don’t think I can afford to buy you dinner, but I got another job today, dammit!” They kiss and are adorable and I’m so glad the writers are putting external pressure on them as a couple; it’s so much more believable than their tedious break-up high jinks.

Back at home, Emily is looking up the kind of roofies the doctors found in her flask, because obviously those roofies were leftover from the night of the grave robbery. On the phone with Aria, she describes them as: “Blue pills you can get from a mental institution where they have to sedate teenage Jesuses who flip over card tables.” And at that very moment, Aria pops open one of Lucas’ film canister, and those exact roofies tumble out.

The Risen Mitten is frantically searching through someone’s purse. Photo of Emily, an Altoids container full of weed – hey, that’s Maya’s bag! There’s also a bottle of prescription pills in there. Lord Mona Almighty, who’s going to get poisoned next? My money’s on Aria. LOL, JK! 

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