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“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 302 – “Leap of Faith”

Welcome to episode 2 of The Real L Word, the only — and therefore, greatest – Sapphic sociological study of our time — or as Ilene Chaiken would say, “It’s my party, and you can cry if you want to.”

Last week we were treated to homo shower sexy time in Los Angeles and homo shower sexy time in New York. We were also treated to hetero sexy time, because Romi decided to get back with her ex-boyfriend Jay. We also learned that in order to fit in in West Hollywood you must have eyebrows thicker than and have accommodated more riders than The 405.

Back in New York, all girl rock band Hunter Valentine was in the process of gearing up for tour, but keyboardist Somer decided that she would rather spend time with her new wife Donna than show up to practice. Donna Somer was seen wandering around the streets of Brooklyn in a “Love To Love You Baby” state of mind, while lead singer Kiyomi cursed up a storm in the practice room, wishing that punk would kill disco already. Kiyomi’s gal Ali also started pre-tour drama, which added to the tension.

Finally, the big news! Whitney canceled her subscription to Lesbian Netflix: LAX, which she had previously used to return one out-of-town lesbian and pick up another for her entertainment needs. Whitney has changed her panty chasing ways and decided to settle down and — gasp! (gag?) – propose to Sara. With Whitney’s insatiable desire for out-of-town tattooed brunettes finally extinguished, will LAX have to file for Chapter 11? Never fear. Amanda is about to land at LAX for Lauren’s entertainment needs, or so Lauren thinks. As long as The Real L Word continues to run on Showtime, LAX will continue to be in business.

Confused? Perturbed? Wondering how the Stonewall Rebellion led to this hot mess? Hell, even the cat in the opening sequence looks like it wants a drink.

Episode 2 opens with Whitney telling her sister Alexis about a disturbing dream she had the night before. She has moved in with and plans to propose to Sara – but that’s not her dream. That is the nightmare that everyone in her life wishes they will wake up from during this episode.

In her dream, she is attacked by a whale, and as she is pushing the dastardly sea mammal away, it deflates. Neither Whitney nor Alexis can interpret the dream, but maybe it is just a flashback to the time that Whitney picked up an obese chick in a blackout state.

Whitney then tells Alexis that she will propose to Sara at a spiritual healing party, because Sara is really into that new agey stuff. Then Whitney starts thinking about her imaginary whale again, and after consulting Google, she learns that whales represent “a relationship or business project that may be too big to handle.” Alexis tries not to snort over her sandwich.

Back in New York, Kiyomi is packing for Hunter Valentine’s tour sporting a shirt that looks like it was devoured by moths on bath salts.

Zombie moth chic: coming to a trendy boutique near you

(and H&M because you gotta keep it real)

The two passively aggressively snipe at one another before Kiyomi leaves. Kiyomi says that while leaving Ali behind is hard, their relationship is non-monogamous. “I have to play every show like it’s my last, and I can’t do that if I am having so many problems at home, or if there is someone upset at home,” says Kiyomi. But as we learned in the last episode, the songs in the new album are about her problems at home, so wouldn’t drama with Ali actually help Kiyomi as an artist? Damned if you do, and damned it you don’t.

“I can’t imagine what’s going on. I don’t want to imagine what’s going on.” says Ali. Oh you will, once you see this episode and learn that Kiyomi’s theme song should be “Area Codes” by Ludacris.

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, Lauren is on her way to LAX to pick up her BFF with benefits Amanda.

She pulls up at the gate, where Amanda greets her, looking like Lady Gaga’s stunt double.

The two embrace and declare, “Lamanda is here. I’m so excited!” Is Lamanda going to be a rad bromance or a bad romance? Only time will tell.

As the two catch up, Amanda laments that she left a girl at home, and that she is sad about it. Lauren responds with the most earnest look of sympathy she can muster, even though it was completely disingenuous. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think Lauren broke a C in drama class.

“Are you guys going to talk?” asks Lauren, hoping that Amanda not only left her ex but also sent her away on a shuttle to the sun.

Amanda: Yeah.

Lauren: You are? Is she going to come to visit you?

Amanda: No.

Lauren: You sure?

Amanda:  She says she’s not.

Lauren: Whatever. She’s not staying at my house.

Somewhere else in the City of Angels Whitney tells Sara that she met a woman who specializes in “creative visualization workshops in energy clearing” and that she signed up their group of friends for a session over the weekend. Sara seems excited, because she’s all about that new agey stuff. See, this is one topic where New Yorker and Los Angelinos disagree. In New York, if we are feeling negative energy, we just pop pills. Paxil, Xanax, Ativan — oh my!

Then Romi and a familiar face, Rose Garcia from Season 1, sit down to have a meal and talk about Romi’s boyfriend and how this new relationship affects her identity as a lesbian. Romi finally concedes that although that although the concept is new to her and she is not comfortable with it yet, she has to consider herself bisexual.

Rose says that all she wants is Romi to be happy, and besides, she identifies with Jay, because as she says, “he cares about the three things that I am about – WPP: work, partying and pussy.” Romi then jokingly offers to suck Rose’s d–k. Just another light dinner conversation in WeHo.

Hunter Valentine is finally on the road headed to the first stop on their tour: Phase 1 in Washington DC, which is the oldest lesbian bar in North America. After they play their show, the band members relax by taking shots and swigging liquor straight from the bottle. Then Kiyomi is spotted making out with a blonde.

As Kiyomi explains, “Laura and I have developed a system called ‘regional reps.’ That basically means that, when you go to [one] city, you have a girl you have in that city that you see every time, and [she] becomes your ‘regional rep’ for that area. I think we’re doing pretty well with that system, and the band is going to continue to work hard to find reps in all areas of the country.”

I think that is simply a less vulgar way of expressing the central message of Ludacris‘ signature line: “I’ve got hoes in different area codes.” And she plans to expand her network. Hide ya kids. And definitely hide ya wives.

Cut back to Kiyomi getting hot and heavy with the regional rep from the 202. After Miss 202 tells Kiyomi she wants to get freaky, Kiyomi abruptly stands up and puts her on hold. “I gotta call my girlfriend” she blurts out and exits the club. Miss 202 tries to protest but all she gets is a busy signal.

Kiyomi slinks behind the club and dials Ali. She asks Ali how she feels about her being on the road.

Ali: I miss you and I want to see you.

Kiyomi: I miss you too. Have you been good?

Ali: I’m always good.

Kiyomi: Then I’m glad. That’s good.

[Awkward pause]

Kiyomi then tells us that she doesn’t trust Ali. After coming back from tour one time she discovered that Ali had slept with one of her friends. “Even though we weren’t together, it seemed like it was kind of vindictive. There’s so many people out there, and you’re going to… really?” says Kiyomi. See, Kiyomi is respectful of Ali and stays away from her friends; instead, she has ladies in every area code on speed dial. No biggie. Who wants to give this angel a pair of wings?

Crickets chirp.

“I’m trying to trust you,” Kiyomi continues.

“How do I trust you?” asks Ali, which, in this case, is a legitimate question.

“Huh huh… uh….” is the only response that Kiyomi can muster. I think this angel might need some divine intervention right about now.

Lauren welcomes Amanda by throwing a cozy house party. One of the guests, Sarah, is also pimping the Lesbafarian look. Are white chicks with dreads multiplying like bunnies in Los Angeles or something? Are they part of some plot to smuggle illegal substances into the country in their hair? And if so, where can I get some? I need to smoke something to make recapping this show a more pleasant experience. That’s my version of “creative visualization workshops in energy clearing” right there. Sarah, call me!

Lauren tells her guests about the time she and Amanda made out for five hours. Amanda then tells us that Lauren is a good kisser. “She has some large lips,” she says. “On her mouth.” We’re glad you clarified.

“Maybe we slept together sometimes,” continues Amanda.

“It happens,” says Lauren, shrugging.

Amanda then notices that Lauren left the mattress she was supposed to sleep on outside, where it became drenched with rain. She suspects that this was done purposely so that she and Lauren would have to sleep in the same bed. But then the alcohol hits her and she wanders out into the back yard – with a girl named Britenelle. Amanda tells Britenelle that she thinks Lauren left her mattress out on purpose, and Britenelle agrees. Then Lauren comes outside and breaks up the conversation, telling Amanda that Britenelle is up to no good and that she should stay away from her.

Later, Whitney enlists her friend Ruby to help make sure Whitney’s proposal to Sara goes smoothly. As you can see, Ruby is also a member of the dreadful Dread Crew. Maybe they should form an all girl reggae band called the Clitful Dread and sign up for Season 4. I should have suggested a drinking game: take a shot every time you see a white girl with dreads, but you’d probably be on an ambulance to the ER by now.

The day after the Phase 1 show in DC, the members of Hunter Valentine have the Worst Hangover EverĀ® and can barely get their equipment into the car, so they just toss everything in with brute force.

Kiyomi pulls a piece of paper from her pocket. She reads it out loud: “Rachel, the girl with the short blonde hair. Phone number [redacted]. In DC when you are! *Smiley face*”

Kiyomi crumples it up and tosses it on the ground. Laura screams “regional rep!” as everyone cackles, except Vero. “That’s not nice, Kiyomi,” says Vero.  “I didn’t throw it!” counters Kiyomi. And the band heads to its next destination: Charlotte, NC.

Meanwhile, in LA, Amanda has gone to Home Depot and brought back a bunch of home improvement items, including plywood, paint – and a gaggle of lesbians to help her build her dream home within a home. Lauren says while that she expected Amanda to pull the dyke diva move and make the place more to her liking, she’s just happy to have Amanda around. Awww!

But then Amanda tells the camera that she is getting into something with someone else – Britenelle – and “[Lauren] doesn’t like it.” The next few minutes show Lauren and Britenelle sniffing at each other in disdain, and Amanda seems to enjoy it. The conversation itself makes no sense and is full of non sequiturs, probably because 90% of it was edited out to maximize the amount of bile. It’s like watching two dogs approach a fire hydrant to mark their territory.

Hunter Valentine is on the road and running late. Kiyomi has a Godzilla-sized hangover and is barely coherent. Somer notes that no one seems to care about Kiyomi’s near-catatonic state, whereas when Somer is late for practice, it is like World War 3. She says that this is a double standard. They pull up to the crappiest club ever, Milestone, an hour late. Somer characterizes the club as a “dirty house, divey place” but it is known for being a pit stop for bands that eventually make it big, like Sonic Youth and Nirvana.

womp womp

Kiyomi asks the bartender for shots of Jameson as they take the stage. The set starts out ok but then Somer’s keyboard konks out.  She flits around trying to fix her equipment, which annoys Kiyomi. “Give it up for the band! No f–king idea what is going on!” she yells into the crowd. Doesn’t Somer know that you don’t actually have to sing or play instruments to make it big? Milli Vanilli won a Grammy. Just smile and play air keyboard.

Romi is out bowling with Jay’s friends. She tells us that an upside for dating a boy is that “you get to go out and meet other couples that haven’t been incestual.” Then Romi announces to the group that they are going to go home and f–k. One of Jay’s friend jokes about them making a child, and Romi says, “We’re trying!” Jay looks like a deer caught in headlights.

“Slow down. I’m not a lesbian; I’m a boy,” says Jay to the camera.

See there are upsides and downsides to everything. Your boo may not have stuck his d–k in half of your friends, but he might have a seizure every time you drive past a U-Haul dealership or a baby carriage.

Meanwhile, Whitney and Sara are getting ready for the energy cleansing session by creating “vision boards,” which according to Google, is a way to provide clarity by gluing pictures to a poster board and affixing it to your wall so you can look at it and say, “Hey, I feel groovy.” Again, New Yorkers have no time for that crap, nor do we have the wall space. Plus, in the age of Pinterest, who the hell actually uses real scissors and glue anymore?

Then Sara brings up the topic of marriage to Whitney, thinking that Whitney is dead set against it. Whitney deflects the topic. Oh, the suspense.

Back on the road, Laura and Kiyomi are chatting about the future of the band. Kiyomi tells Laura she wants to set standards and that “f–king around is not ok” – like building an army of regional reps and showing up to your show an hour late and hung over? Riiight.

Meanwhile, Somer’s keyboard is out of commission and she needs money to fix it. Laura tells Somer that, while Hunter Valentine is like a family, the band is pretty much broke and she has to fix her equipment herself. Maybe Somer can stand on the street corner and play her keyboard and sing for donations. Oh wait. Her keyboard is broken. I guess she’s shit outta luck. A capella anyone?

Back in LA, Lauren and Amanda and Britenelle try to deal with the soggy mattress that Lauren may or may not have purposely left outside. Lauren is annoyed at Britenelle’s presence and announces that she is going to sleep alone, because obviously nothing is going her way. Out of default, Amanda and Britenelle retire to Amanda’s room.  As Lauren slips into her bed, she hears the joyful sounds of coitus, which may or may not have been dubbed in, and rolls around in bed sexually frustrated, wishing Amanda’s blindingly bright hair would magically appear in her room and illuminate the area between her legs.

Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for. Whitney, Sara and all of their friends pile into a lounge  at the Wilshire hotel for the “creative visualization workshop in energy clearing,” which is just a smokescreen for Whitney putting a ring on it. The ladies do breathing exercises as Whitney tries not to faint or run.

The instructor distributes envelopes, which she explains are filled with “positive affirmations,” and that each person is to read hers out loud.

It is Whitney’s turn. “I am in a confident place to make decisions about my future. I know who I am, and I know what I want,” she reads.

Then it is Sara’s turn. “Turn and face the person you hold most dear and open your heart,” she reads. She turns to face Whitney.

At this moment Whitney drops down on one knee and asks Sara to marry her.

Sara’s response: “Is this real?”

Oh yes, it is real. You’re engaged to Whitney. May the odds ever be in your favor.

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