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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.08): Let’s go to bed

Jane is dragging Maura to bed. Wait, stop. Let me rephrase that. Jane is dragging Maura into helping her in bed. Wait, let me rephrase that again. Jane is dragging her new bed into her apartment and begging Maura to help her. Damn. No matter how I say that it just sounds so gay. Maybe that is because it is so gay. Here is Jane, in her weekend uniform of tank top and sneakers. She’s carrying her wallet in her mouth because she’s a damn butch who of course only carries a wallet. Though, I must say, slightly bad form on not having pockets. You couldn’t get pants with at least one cargo pocket, honey? And then here is Maura, in her weekend uniform of a form-fitting designer skirt-top ensemble with matching open-toed kitten heels. She is carrying a purse because she’s a femme and of course she carries a purse. Though, I must say, slightly bad form on not putting Jane’s wallet in your purse. You couldn’t at least make the cursory offer to carry it like a good girlfriend, sweetie?

Jane implores Maura to help her as she pulls the bedframe box into her living room. Maura whines back, “I’m in my brunch clothes.” Jane snaps that they have to build her bed before she gets dragged to boutiques. So then Maura relents and makes the most adorable little, “But I am the femme. I don’t wanna do physical work. WAH.”-face you have ever seen. Jane pulls out the instructions which tell her to slide something into a hole in the appropriate size and my mind drifts off to a special place where the bed is already assembled and a sweaty Boston homicide detective and Massachusetts chief medical examiner are sprawled across it. Right, so now your mind is there, too. By all means, take your time and enjoy. I’ll wait.

Waiting impatiently is Jane, who wonders aloud where Frankie and Frost are with her new mattress. Aw, was it a double brunch date? Rizzles and Frostie out on the town together? And they say lesbians and gay men don’t socialize enough. She finds Frostie working together, naturally, but not to carry up her mattress. Instead they’re carrying the couch of Jane’s new next-door-lesbian, er, I mean neighbor. Come on, she’s all tatted up and wearing a vest as a top. And her name is Riley. And she looks suspiciously like Mandy Musgrave‘s character Ashley from South of Nowhere. You could see how I would make the mistake. Jane definitely notices, and gets jealous when Maura compliments her body art and perhaps smiles a little too much smile at this new girl. Maura even gives the new girl a little Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching as she admires her female koi fish tattoo. Mama Rizzoli gets in on the new-girl worship and gives all of Jane’s non-stick cookware away to her. I wonder if this is Mama R’s way of not-so-subtly pushing Jane into making more of a commitment with Maura. Give away all her stuff and they’ll have to move in together, right?

Jane is having none of it, but the fellas are more interesting in becoming best lesbros with the new girl than bringing up her mattress. Just when Jane can take no more her phone rings and it’s murder time. Jane really is having a bad Saturday. Buys a new bed, can’t break it in with her girlfriend. Meets her new neighbor, can’t keep her girlfriend from flirting with her. At the So In Love Wedding Chapel, our very bloody dead bride is very bloody and dead. Jane is complaining about the place’s tackiness. No doubt when she gets married to Maura it will be a lavish and classy affair with nary a fake flower. But mostly she’s just complaining that her mattress is still on top of her car. And Maura isn’t on it. The victim was a Croatian exchange student. Maura breaks out a little Serbian and every lesbians’ pants fall off. What? It’s true.

All the detectives are like, “Dude, is there anything you can’t do, Dr. Isles?” And she’s like, it’s an easy language, no big deal. Jane tries her hand at it, which sounds so cute you just want to give her a Scooby snack. Frost decides to call Frankie to have him “help” on the case, but mainly it’s because he doesn’t want him to become besties with Riley before he can.

Back at the precinct, the detectives learn the bride had a younger sister, who is now missing. They track them both to a non-profit group called Samaritan Girl which helps young Balkan women come to the United States. Maura calls it an odd name, because the girls aren’t the Samaritans. Jane wonders why her girlfriend is giving grammar lessons instead of doing the autopsy. It’s because the van is stuck in traffic. But also because she wants to be where Jane is and Jane is not in the autopsy room. And then Maura starts talking about “empirical spatial temporal features” of traffic congestion and Jane’s gives her the “I love you, you enormous nerd”-face.

Now that the body has arrived (and the crazy ex-fiancée/Red Herring No. 1 is arrested), Maura is performing the autopsy. Also it is because Jane is finally in the room. Maura asks her what kind of cake she’ll have for her wedding. It’s classic girlfriend marriage proposal fishing. Ask about the cake. Get intel. Plant ideas. Sneaky, sneaky Maura. Jane isn’t playing and asks who she is marrying. Oh, ladies. Stop it — it’s each other and everyone knows it. It’s not called a Boston Marriage for nothing.

Maura lists all the kinds of cake she plans on having — hazelnut almond, chocolate ganache and maybe mocha buttercream. Jane is all, baby, I have not popped the questions. And Maura says it’s just fun to play fantasy wedding. Then she presses Jane on what her dress will look like. And Jane says the butchest thing ever, “I don’t wear dresses.” Oh course you don’t, Jane, of course you don’t.

Maura says hers will be a silk charmeuse with an empire waist and 20-foot train on the cliffs of Santorini above a volcano. I hope Jane is taking notes. This is going to be one elaborate wedding. Maura says she used to dream about marrying the 16th Century pioneer of the autopsy, Antonio Benivieni. And then she says her married name would be Maura Dorthea Isles Benivieni. Jane has to take a beat because Maura’s middle name is Dorthea (voted on by fans, by the way). She’s all, “You gave me crap about my middle name being Clementine and your middle name is Dorthea?” First of all, there is nothing wrong with “Dorthea” or all derivatives of “Dorothy.” Just saying. And second, her actual married name is going to be Maura Dorthea Isles Rizzoli. So she is really just trading one Italian surname for another.

Because they’re confessing things, Jane tells Maura she used to dream of marrying former Boston Red Sox first baseman Bill Buckner, but then the ball went through his legs in the 1986 World Series and she became a lesbian.

Korsak calls and says the unhinged fiancée will only talk with unmarried women. Maura takes off her gloves and starts to follow. Jane’s all, “Where are you going, hon?” Jane, Maura goes where you go. Duh. She says she’s unmarried and can help rate the suspect. Then she proceeds to give her girlfriend “helpful” advice over a headset during the interrogation until Jane can take it no more. She’s so cute, the things she puts up with from Maura. Our ladies head to the Dirty Robber for dinner and Maura tells Jane, “I’m going to make you eat something green tonight.” But, hold on, Maura isn’t wearing green tonight. Still, seriously, how girlfriend-y is that? Fussing over her diet and worrying about her health. Then Maura does something else girlfriend-y and grabs Jane’s wrist in a TGTGT way to show her Frankie sitting with Riley in a booth all cozy and talking sex dolls.

Jane saunters up and gives her little brother the “stop flirting and think about Frost’s feelings”-eye. He gets the hint and calls it a night. Then Jane does a girlfriend-y thing and in a TGTGT way literally pushes Maura away from the table and Riley. She’s worried because Maura was a Splashley fangirl and there’s no telling where this could all go after a couple of white wines. Jane tells Frankie that Riley feels sneaky to her. He tells her, “So don’t go out with her.” Well of course not. She’s going out with Maura. Frankie leaves, but Riley stays. Then in walks Frost. And she hugs him. And kisses him. Two-timing your gay boyfriends? Bad form indeed. Yes, Jane and Maura are totally judging her for it. But don’t worry, they’d judge a two-timing man the same way, too. The next morning Jane and Maura walk into the Division One Café together. Guess they must have slept over at Maura’s since Jane’s bed still isn’t put together. Jane thinks she should tell Frankie or Frost or both. Instead they tell Mama R. But she’s really too busy flirting and making special breakfasts for Lt. Cavanaugh to care. Jane asks Maura if she thinks her mom likes her boss, and Maura tells her, “I did see them having sex in the lobby.” Snort. Now that’s how you tease your girlfriend.

Frankie comes in his best detective suit. Frost ribs him about it being from the Korsak Kollection. Earlier when they were moving the neighbor lesbian’s couch, Frankie punched Frost in the arm. Because that’s what you do when you like someone — and you’re in the third grade. Oh, those two. Jane tries to clue them in that they’re being played by Riley. But they already know. But neither has hooked up with her because it would be a violation of the Man Code. Maura chimes in, because sociology is one of her favorite -ologies. She asks for the theories and practices of said Man Code. One is if that until the female mates with one of the males, both may pursue her. Another is you can’t share an umbrella and another is about “grenades.”(Note: We will not be discussing the “Grenade Rule” because I want to continue liking Frost and Frankie.) Finally there’s the all-important if you’ve know a guy for more than 24 hours his sister is off limits rule. So no hooking up with Frost, Jane. Because you’re gay. Korsak and Jane interrogate Red Herring No. 2. This one is a convicted sex offender who takes one look at Jane and says what we’ve all been thinking, “If I had known homicide cops looked like you I’d get arrested more often.” Korsak tells Jane he kept him cuffed because he has a thing for whipping out his Johnson in mixed company. And he knows Jane and penises are non-compatible. He tells them he saw the bride’s sister being dragged to a car all “cave-man style” by another man.

Speaking of cave-man style, Jane and Maura are trying to move her mattress. Jane gets fed up and drops it on her living room floor. And Maura immediately drops to her hands and knees on top of it. Jane Clementine Rizzoli, you know what to do next. But before she can do what we all want her to do, she overhears lesbian-next-door Riley buying $5,000 worth of liquid ecstasy. She’s appalled her little brother and her partner both want to bone a drug dealer. But my question is, why would a lesbian drug dealer want to bone a gay detective and an gay almost detective?

Jane looks up Riley, who has a record for drug trafficking. When Korsak walks up she asks, “Do you think she’s cute?” See, jealous. Don’t be insecure, Jane. Maura loves you just the way you are. Frankie comes in and Jane’s about to warn him about his felonious female friend, but he has to go interview with Cavanaugh. They share a cute big sis-little bro moment which is destroyed by Cavanaugh when he calls in the “original Rizzoli” instead. He tells her the drug unit chief is furious she ran one of his targets. And she can’t tell Frost or Frankie that Riley is being investigated. Jane, of course, runs to Maura instead and tells. She wisely advises her to keep her mouth shut because the Man Code won’t allow them to both sleep with her. Otherwise if she tells Frankie will lose his shot at detective, Frost will get transferred and Jane will be brought up on charges. Listen to your girlfriend, we don’t want any of those things to happen, Jane.

Maura has found a clue on one of the pieces of evidence. It has traces of wheat, which she read about in the Journal of Agriculture and Food Chemistry. She asks Jane if she’s a reader and Jane says every issue, especially the “caption the cartoon contest.” Maura whips around all excited at the prospect of captioning cartoons about arcane food chemistry facts. Jane whips her head back in continued disbelief at her girlfriend’s failure to grasp sarcasm. Well, now you’ve both been fooled by each other’s unexpected snarky humor. It’s 1-1. Who will break this tie? The clue leads them to a type of farm tool used to cut wheat, but also known as “cutthroat.” The victim is also branded with the Cyrillic letter K which stands for “Cutthroat,” the code name of the sex ring leader. You see where this is going. It’s going bad places. She was branded as part of the sex trade. And her little sister was probably kidnapped because she is a virgin and will go to the highest bidder. Like I was saying, bad places.

The detectives run online searches for the auction. Korsak suggests a lower tech approach and checks out the personals. Frost gives him grief and he shoots back, “Don’t you remember, that’s how we met.” Boys, boys. I know you two once had a beautiful thing. But Frost is with Frankie now and everyone needs to accept that.

They find a suspicious ad for a Yugo body shop instead, which turns out to be the sex traffickers lair complete with girls in cages and a seedy guy watching soccer. Jane deploys the Ponytail of Righteous Justice and her big-ass gun and takes him and the rest of the ring down. The girls are freed, but the victim’s sister isn’t among them. Jane has Maura interview them in Serbian. I like the way those letters roll off her tongue. I’m sorry, I lost focus for a minute. Cutthroat isn’t among them, so they keep searching.

Meanwhile, Frankie is drowning his own troubles in a plate full of Mama R’s sympathy. Sympathy in the form of a humongous olive-eyed sandwich and heap of fries. He’s down because he thinks he blew his detective interview. Jane tells him he’s going to get fat and he’s all, “Good. I don’t care. You can’t make me. Mommy can I have some chocolate milk?” Cavanaugh comes in with news, but not about Frankie’s possible promotion. It’s about the big drug bust and then we see Riley getting hauled in in cuffs. Cavanaugh tells Frankie he’s not ready to be a homicide detective, because he can’t investigate the girls he dates. And he scolds Frost, too. While true, it’s kind of not fair. Because I’m pretty sure Man Code also says if you can hook up with a hottie, no matter her flaws, you hit that. Frankie is mad at Jane for not telling him about Riley. Jane is complaining to Maura about Frankie being mad. And Maura is only concerned about “the blue stuff” she found in the victim’s wound. It’s dry erase marker dust. Guess what, Cutthroat is the director of the Samaritan Girl. So I guess the weird grammar was right after all because they’re providing a “helpful” service to people. Yuck.

They figure out he is having an auction for the victim’s sister that night at a black tie fundraiser. Double yuck. Korsak drives up undercover dressed as a big fish .The perks, he says, of being a middle-aged white guy. Jane and Frost are hiding in the back all scrunched together. Alpha Jane insists she’s driving on the way back. Man, could you imagine the power-suit off between her and Bette Porter. It’d be epic.

They infiltrate the party and bust up the disgusting virginity auction. Jane comes in guns blazing and hits Cutthroat three times dead center. At the rate Jane is going, the Boston taxpayers should throw her a parade as thanks for the millions she has saved them in trials and incarceration bills. Case, closed. Baddie, dead. Jane, hero. So, naturally, our ladies are celebrating together at Jane’s apartment. The camera pans up on Maura sitting up, holding a glass of pinot noir and smiling down, lovingly. The camera pans down and it’s Jane she is smiling at, with her own glass of pinot laying on the mattress next to her. Maura is in a silky blouse. Jane is in a white tank top. I half expect a cheesy saxophone solo to start playing. Did I switch to Cinemax After Dark?

Then Maura lays down next to Jane on the bed. Yes, they’re in bed together. Yes, again. Yes, I know. And then the first thing she does is start talking about Jane’s wedding fantasies. Yes, again. Yes, I know. Det. Jane Rizzoli and Dr. Maura Isles are in bed together talking about fantasies. And, I repeat, this is the gayest non-gay show on television. Oh, and if that wasn’t gay enough Jane’s wedding fantasy is to say her vows over home plate at Fenway in a Red Sox jersey. The reception would be over the pitcher’s mound and the food would be foot-long hotdogs and frozen lemonade. Maura looks over at Jane, her eyes warm and glowing. And you just know in her heart even though it’s not the elegant wedding she dreamed about with three kinds of cake, a silk charmeuse gown and volcanic cliffs, she would do it for Jane. She would do anything for Jane.

And then, she turns her head and asks, softly, “Can I come?” Well, that’s one way to break in a bed. p.s. It’s nice to know Jane and Maura have consistent sides of the bed, isn’t it? And here are your absolutely ecstatic #gayzzoli tweets of the week. But when there’s this much subtext, it’s almost too easy.

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