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“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 304 – “Scissor Sisters”

Last episode we learned that everyone hates each other. One of Hunter Valentine’s tour legs looked like it could have ended up as a main attraction on Pay Per View, and a scene at Here Lounge involving the entire Los Angeles cast minus Cory and Kaci turned into Lord of the Flies. As this season progresses the cast will only become more incestuous, and more alliances and conflicts will come to light — so here are a couple of charts to get you started.

First, the Real L Word: Season 3 incest chart.

And now, the Real L Word: Season 3 beef chart.

Scabies! Repulsion! Heartache! As you can see, love is a battlefield.

Also in the last episode Romi continued to make no sense whatsoever while recounting her dating history. You might have blocked out the previous seasons as a defense mechanism, but in Season 2, Episode 6, she told us that she was once married to a man that she met at church. We even saw a photo of her wearing her wedding dress — and tragic bangs.

Then in episode 1 of this season, Whitney told us that when she met Romi, Romi was with Jay and that there have been other guys in her past. Finally, in the last episode, Romi told her mother that she had not been with a guy in eight years and that her only experience dating guys was Jay. But Whitney and Romi had started dating shortly before the first episode in Season 1, which was shot less than three years ago.

The only way this timeline makes any sense is if Jay is Romi’s ex husband, Whitney and Romi started hanging out eight years ago but didn’t start dating until 2010, and all the other guys Romi was supposedly with were simply creations of West Hollywood gossipmongers. This scenario would be improbable but not implausible — except that eight years ago Whitney was living three thousand miles away in New York City.

WHAT THE FRACKING FRACK IS GOING ON HERE?

The answer: Romi is a cylon.

No, stop it. I’m not crazy. Since you are reading AfterEllen.com there is a good chance that you watched Battlestar Galactica. As you recall, in addition to the big ugly robot looking cylons, there were also thirteen different attractive humanoid cylon models played by the likes of Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. Several clones of each human model were built, and each copy was capable of human feelings and had different life experiences. Oh, and their goal was to destroy humanity.

I am proposing that there is a 14th cylon model that has infiltrated the Real L Word. Jay’s ex Carla is one of them, and there are at least three different Romis. I direct your attention to Exhibit A below.

Exhibit A:

And you thought I was making things up. Believe me now? So the four replicas of Cylon 14 we have identified so far are:

— Carla, Jay’s ex;

— Romi One, who married a guy from her church;

— Romi Two, who dated her only boyfriend in her life, Jay, eight years ago and is dating him again; and

— Romi Three, who dated Jay three years ago when she met Whitney, also dated a few other guys prior to meeting her and is also currently dating Jay.

As we have seen, Jay seems to have a thing for ladies who look alike, so I wouldn’t past him to be simultaneously dating both Romi Two and Romi Three. He probably can’t tell them apart. At least his penis can’t.

Listen I don’t care if Romi considers herself gay, bi or whether she thinks her sexuality transcends the Kinsey Scale. Stop bickering about the little things. There are greater concerns here. There are cylons running around, so we are all doomed.

The other explanation would be that Romi is simply just out of her mind, but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, even if it puts the future of the human race in jeopardy.

And now we will dive in face first into the unruly Amazonian bush that is this Episode 4. I’ve brought the weed wacker, and I will be your guide.

The episode begins in Los Angeles. Whitney and Sara are about to visit Sara’s traditional Portuguese parents in San Jose to tell them that they are engaged. Whitney’s main concern is looking presentable, so she puts on a flannel shirt and these shoes.

Sara laughs that the outfit makes Whitney look like a 15-year-old skater boy but that she looks hot. Ok, Avril.

As they walk out the door, the camera cuts to a leprechaun wearing rainbow knee highs.

Cory and Kaci are lying in bed with their cat, where they’ve been for a while mourning the loss of their baby. Every time I see Cory and Kaci scene I am in awe of their synergy and their undeniable love for each other. No amount of reality TV editing can create that bond. Each time I see them onscreen it’s like I’m looking at a unicorn, and I want to capture it and tell everyone, “Unicorns exist, and we should all be like them!”

3,000 miles away Lauren and Amanda have touched down in Brooklyn and are being driven to their destination in a BMW SUV. I wonder where they are staying. Showtime must be paying them big bucks if they are being chauffeured in a bimmer.

Turns out it’s a walk up apartment with pools of dog urine on the ground. Womp womp.

Here is the culprit, who promptly bites Amanda.

Lauren reiterates that she is excited that she and Amanda are finally single at the same time and that she is looking forward to having fun together in New York. I’m sure this also means fooling around in a shady apartment perfumed by eau de chien pisse. Hot.

Amanda showers and tells Lauren cryptically that she will be gone for an hour “to run errands.” She can’t get out of the apartment quickly enough. Is it the smell of dog pee driving her out, or is something else — or someone else — peeling her away from the ever vigilant Lauren?

Our favorite dysfunctional and Spartanly frugal family Hunter Valentine has also arrived in Brooklyn. Kiyomi says that while SXSW was a success, Somer had a few atrocious shows, which was frustrating. As they unload the van, someone notices that it smells like fish. I will bite my tongue so I am not banned from AfterEllen, Park Slope and Williamsburg.

Somer and Donna and their puppies reunite, and everyone is all smiles.

Then Somer tells us that she and Kiyomi still hasn’t had the “‘Yo, you cool, bro?’ ‘Yeah bro, we cool.'” talk, so she still doesn’t know where she stands in the band.

Next, Whitney and Sara pull up to Sara’s parents’ house, and immediately, the wine comes out.

“I couldn’t get wine into my body fast enough,” says a nervous Whitney.

Sara starts speaking to her parents in Portuguese.

“I came here to tell you something,” she said.

“Say anything as long as you’re not pregnant, Sara,” says her mom.

Sara laughs nervously and doesn’t say anything.

“Sara you are upsetting me,” says her mother.

Sara continues laughing. Is Whitney tickling her under the table?

“I’m going to be very sad,” says her mother.

Sara continues to be overcome by a fit of giggles.

“What is it? You’re not expecting a baby are you?” says her mother, who begins to lose patience.

“[Whitney] asked me to marry her,” sputters Sara.

“Oh my god…” says her mother, who looks like she swallowed a fly in her wine.

Meanwhile, her dad looks like he is trying to suppress his own giggle fit. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

After a few moments, Sara’s mom tells her that while she still loves her, she is old fashioned and needs time to get used to it. Then she starts crying.

“So, yeah, I’m not 100% well versed in Portuguese, but I’m pretty well versed on the look of shock and dismay… and tears,” Whitney tells us. Well of course. Those were common emotions displayed by the girls she dated in Season 1 every time she walked into the room.

Sara’s mom tells Sara that all of this comes as a surprise.

Then her dad chimes in.”I’m not surprised!” he says.

“I love my daughter, and I will do everything to make her happy,” he tells us, cementing his position as San Jose PFLAG parent of the year.

Meanwhile, hours after Amanda fled the scene, Lauren is still waiting in the stinky apartment for her return. Lauren tries to dial her but Lady GaGa’s stunt double is all, “Call all you want, but there’s no one home / And you’re not gonna reach my telephone.” Finally, Lauren leaves a message and tells her to meet her at the bar.

Back in Los Angeles, Romi — or one of the Romis – is breaking up with Jay, who doesn’t seem at all concerned that he is being dumped. Finally, Romi gets fed up at his complete lack of a response and leaves him at the table.

While Romi and Jay are breaking up in Los Angeles, Kiyomi and Ali are making up in New York. Kiyomi has decorated Ali’s room with roses, cute photobooth pictures and a love letter. “I hope by doing this, it will show Ali that I care about her,” says Kiyomi.

Hey, looks like the number of roses outnumber the number of tour dates by at least a dozen. If every regional rep were given a rose, that would leave at least a dozen for Ali. Score!

Lauren goes to Metropolitan Bar alone, and waits for Amanda, who is four hours late. Lauren begins to suspect that Amanda has gone to see her ex girlfriend. Lauren goes outside and calls Amanda for the umpteenth time, but Amanda is all “Wha-Wha-What did you say, huh? You’re breaking up on me / Sorry, I cannot hear you, I’m kinda busy / Kinda busy.”

Lauren goes back into the bar, where she is approached by a woman in a headband named Sherri, who goes by the nickname “Switz,” but I’m just going to call her Sporty Spice. Sporty Spice, who, for some bizarre reason has already fitted with a microphone, tries to pick Lauren up.

“I’m going to play basketball this weekend. You want to come be my cheerleader?” she asks.

Lauren tells us, “Switz has no chance of ever hooking up with me.”

AIRBALL!

But not to worry, Sporty Spice — here’s your cheerleading squad.

Congratulations, Sporty Spice. You’ve officially been spared more air time on this show. Consider it a blessing.

Then Amanda saunters in, and Lauren is livid. Amanda explains to Lauren that she hasn’t been in New York for a while and wanted to see some friends. That doesn’t seem like an “errand” to me. Lauren lays into her, and Amanda shrugs and says, “I couldn’t help it. I’m sorry.”

What happened? Did she get locked in a bathroom, or did she get stuck in something else — like her ex girlfriend?

Then Amanda tells Lauren the time displayed on the clock in the car was an hour behind, so she thought it was 10 when it was 11. Lauren doesn’t buy it.

Lauren tells Amanda about the harrowing hardships she endured because of her absence, including having to “walk the streets of Williamsburg” alone. How could you, Amanda! She could have been run over by a hipster riding a fixie. She could have choked on a vegan taco.

Then, back in LA, Sara tries to get her mother acclimated to the idea that she is getting married by taking her shopping for wedding dresses.

“Beautiful dress, but you are having a wedding without a man, no?” says her mom, looking less than enthused.

Corci the Unicorn decides that it is finally time to re-enter civilization, and the first thing the magical creature does is bring flowers to the doctors and nurses who took care of Cory at the hospital.

Again, the only reason that Corci is on this series is to show us all how to behave and how we have all fallen short of that ideal. We bow down to you. We are not worthy.

Back in New York, Amanda, Lauren and Amanda’s brother are having a meal at Simple CafĂ© in Williamsburg. Amanda’s brother innocently asks Amanda, “When are you officially coming home?”

Lauren gives Amanda a look of disbelief. “Did you tell him you were coming home?” she asks.

Lauren tells us that while the question surprised her at first, she concluded that she must have been lied to again.

Back in San Jose, Sara has an epiphany and realizes that there is something that her mother cannot resist: wedding planning. How convenient.

“Luckily for me, my mother is the Portuguese Martha Stewart. She cannot help herself,” says Sara.

As if on cue, Sara’s mother flits over to the table and starts diagramming the wedding planning process in a notebook. And just like that, Sara’s mother comes around. This is a lesson on how to bring an unwilling party to your side: find out her addiction and use it to your advantage. I guarantee that if you tell Lindsay Lohan that you have an oil tanker filled with vodka that is all hers once all of her scenes are wrapped up she will suddenly show up on time for her shoots.

Then Romi and Kelsey meet up for dinner and it’s all “I love you,” “I miss you,” and all sorts of unintelligible cooing.

Kelsey tells us that she loves Romi and that she and Romi “have a chemistry that is undeniable.” The word “chemistry” was introduced to us in Season 1 by a certain Whitney Mixter, who used it to describe how she felt about half the women in California. This does not bode well for Kelsey and Romi.

They agree to get back together, but after the niceties are out of the way Romi continues, “Let’s just fight it out and not break up. And the next time I break up with you, this is what I want you to do: say ‘No!’ And when we break up, and we will again, don’t sleep with all those girls! Because then they come at me! Like ‘Oh, I slept with your girl!’ And I want to punch them! You better keep it in your damn pants!”

“I’m horny,” responds Kelsey.

Say what? Romi definitely has a screw loose, but since Kelsey has not only continued to sit at the table after hearing Romi’s tirade but also concludes that she wants to bone her right then and there, Kelsey is definitely one card short of a full deck. They belong together.

Back in New York, Lauren and Amanda are bickering yet again. Lauren wants Amanda to hang out, but Amanda would rather take a nap. Amanda looks at a group of girls sitting at another table and tries to change the subject.

“I know that girl,” says Amanda.”She’s in a really bad band.”

Oh look. It’s Kiyomi and the rest of Hunter Valentine, minus Somer of course. Of all the gin joints in Brooklyn. What were the chances?

“They’re all in a band?” asks Lauren. “I think they’re kind of cute.”

Amanda hollers over at Kiyomi and the Funky Bunch and beckons them over. After all introductions are made, the everyone makes small talk. The first topic of conversation is Amanda and Lauren’s Botox session. Am I watching The Real L Word or the Real Housewives of Brooklyn? And who the hell gets Botox in their 20s? Does Botox not only make you unable to express emotions but it also secretly gets you high? Am I missing out?

Then the conversation naturally segues into a topic dear to our Sapphic hearts: scissoring. Lauren loves scissoring, but Amanda isn’t a fan. See, the incompatibilities are getting even more apparent. You can only be friends with benefits if you both agree that the benefits are actually “benefits.” Otherwise it’s just friends with awkward humping.

Both Kiyomi and Laura are immediately attracted to Lauren.

“She’s pretty hot,” says Kiyomi.

“She’s absolutely gorgeous,” says Laura. Laura tells us that her plan is to drink a lot and then make a move.

At this point Amanda leaves to take her nap, and Lauren stays behind with the band.

Back in Los Angeles, Kelsey rolls up to Romi’s pad with all her belongings and starts moving in. Romi asks whether Kelsey would like some help, hoping that Kelsey would say, “Why no, honey. I would like nothing more than to carry a bookshelf all by myself,” but to her dismay, Kelsey actually wants Romi to pitch in. At this point, Romi starts to whine in the exact pitch that causes me to develop a stress headache, so I’m just going to have to fast forward. Sorry. I’m sure nothing important happens in the next two minutes.

And then we’re back in Brooklyn. Vero tells us that both Kiyomi and Laura are obviously attracted to Lauren and that she finds this entertaining.

Lauren leaves to go to the bathroom, and Kiyomi, Laura and Vero discuss who is going to hook up with Lauren. While Laura is still going to make a go at it, the three of them concede that if Kiyomi makes a move, she is the one that is more likely to close the deal.

“I don’t think I couldn’t get her,” says Laura. “But I have to really work it.”

Kiyomi excuses herself from the table and tells us that while she finds Lauren attractive, she is supposed to meet up with Ali, Laura is obviously attracted to Lauren, so the best course of action is for her to retreat to safer ground. Vero follows Kiyomi outside and tries to stir the pot, chirping that it is obvious that both Kiyomi and Laura are attracted to Lauren.

Lauren comes back to the table, and a drunken Laura tells her that both she and Kiyomi are attracted to her, and they’re both trying to figure out what to do about it. Smooth, Laura, smooth. Why don’t you use this line instead? “Hey, I have a gig this weekend. You can cheer for me then if you want, but I want to see you sooner, because I might need you to hold my hair in a few minutes when I pray to the porcelain god.”

Kiyomi is still outside and tells Ali that she will meet up with her in a few, but then she tells us, “I know I’m supposed to meet Ali, but for some reason I just can’t. I just don’t want to leave this girl [Lauren].”

Someone should give Kiyomi a dictionary and ask her to look up the difference between “can’t” and “won’t.”

And so Kiyomi returns to the table with tequila shots and starts chatting with Lauren. Lauren and Kiyomi stroll outside together, and Laura follows them, realizing that in the race to get Lauren, Kiyomi is pulling ahead. If you are a random schmuck on the street and you found yourself tossed in a pool with Michael Phelps, the only way to win is to do something swift, drastic and severe. Like spraying him with Mace.

And so our dear clearly unsober Laura has decided to take matters into her own hands. She starts disrobing on the street and gives Lauren a preview of her fine Canadian bacon. Vero attempts to salvage whatever remaining dignity Laura has left by running outside and throwing a jacket — and herself — over her, but it is too little too late.

On that note, I’m going to have to cut this recap off abruptly, because I am just honestly without words.

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