“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 305 — “I wasn’t expecting this”

Previously on The Real L Word, the members of Hunter Valentine clambered out of their van, exhausted and bedraggled from playing shows – and having epic shouting matches in between shows. As they threw open the doors, they were heartily welcomed by the aroma of dead fish, signaling that they were, indeed, back home in the charmingly whiffy borough of Brooklyn. But even more toxic than the overripe fragrance that permeates certain enclaves around the L train was the tension between Kiyomi and Somer, who never resolved their differences.

Romi ended her relationship with the ever chuckling Jay and ran back into the arms of her ready and willing ex-girlfriend Kelsey. During the dinner at which the two reignited their romance, Romi told Kelsey that even if they broke up, Kelsey would not be allowed to sleep with anyone else. Happy to be out of her parents’ house and excited to resume her role as Romi’s lap dog, Kelsey obliged with the two words that would cement their reunion: “I‘m horny.” Love is a beautiful thing, ain’t it.

But during Kelsey and Romi’s time apart, Kelsey bided her time by poking her lady pecker into as many ladies of WeHo as she could, and Lauren was one of them. According to common West Hollywood knowledge, which is almost as accurate as anything you read on the internet, this did not sit well with Romi, and consequently, Romi and Lauren have beef.

Corci the Unicorn finally climbed out of the bed they shared with their sleepy orange cat for the weeks they mourned the loss of Charlie and left the house for the first time, bringing flowers to the nurses who took care of them at the hospital.

And finally, after a bout of homesickness, Amanda paid a visit to Brooklyn with Lauren in tow, but left Lauren waiting at Metropolitan Bar for four hours, and sauntered in less than contrite. Lauren began to suspect that Amanda may have reconnected with her ex-girlfriend.

And now we jump into a two episode arc that will make you hold your loved ones tight and your bottle of Purell even tighter.

The episode opens with Amanda bounding into Lauren‘s dining room with exciting news – and a look that can only be described as the love child of Annie Lennox and an alien from an aquatic planet.

“Greetings. I come from a champagne room in the future. There is no sex in the champagne room – and no ‘benefits’ in the future.”

Amanda tells Lauren that she and her ex decided to get back together and not see other people, and this is Lauren’s reaction.

Lauren digs further, asking Amanda whether she and her “ex” ever actually broke up. Then Amanda admits that she and her girlfriend were still together when she left New York.

“That’s not what you told me,” says Lauren.

Amanda tells us that she made it a point to hang out with her “ex” while she was visiting New York, which now explains her many disappearing acts around Lauren last episode. Amanda says that she may move back to New York after all.

Lauren sighs and tells Amanda that if she decides to move back to New York she needs to give her advance notice so she can find a roommate.

“Woof,” responds Amanda. “That’s just so extreme.”

Err, meow? Actually, thirty days notice is pretty standard.

Lauren tells Amanda that it is normal to want to be near the person you love. “Sometimes, I think you try to fool yourself…” says Lauren, and then adds a dig. “…as much as sometimes you try to fool me.”

Amanda tells us that she thinks Lauren is jealous. While I don’t disagree, I also think that as a general rule, giving a roommate a heads up that you are moving out is just good manners, so she can fill your room with another warm body with a steady job or a trust fund, because the rent is too damn high.

Lauren tells Amanda that she has been dishonest to her, especially in New York, where she repeatedly lied about her whereabouts, so she does not know whether to believe anything that comes out of her mouth.

Woof, indeed.

Next we cut to Romi and Kelsey, who are packing for Dinah Shore a/k/a lesbian spring break. Every April, 15,000 lesbians from all over the world drink and screw their way through Palm Springs in the most delightfully unhygienic event in the country. The only way to handle the sheer level of noise, mayhem, and estrogen is to drink to a near blackout state, but since no one has any clothes on, the probability of regretful behavior is all but inevitable.

Says Romi, “I think it’s just a place where people go to get wasted and fuck people. Like, people break up with their girlfriends just to go to Dinah to fuck other people – and then get back from Dinah Shore and get back with their girlfriends.”

Kelsey dutifully nods in agreement.

Kelsey is still horny.

Romi tells us that Dinah is going to be stressful this year because she has been asked to host events “as a celesbian.” She tells us, speaking slowly as if she were speaking to a room full of first graders, “A celesbian is a lesbian who is a celebrity, and they are very rare. There‘s not a whole lot of us, so I have work to do.”

Oh, Romi.

Then Romi warns Kelsey, “We’re sticking together all weekend. If you leave me out there, alone, for the wolves to get me, I will fucking murder you.” Romi then attempts to shoot laser beams at Kelsey with her eyes.

Perplexingly, Kelsey doesn’t think any of this is out of the ordinary, so instead of sprinting out of the front door to freedom like a reasonable person who has been confronted with lunacy, she continues to pack.

Romi tells us that she is afraid of encountering drama with the fearsome foursome of Whitney, Sara, Lauren and Amanda, who will most likely be drunk.

Kelsey tells us, “I’m trying to be respectful of Romi, and I want to make her happy, and if she doesn’t want me around certain people, I’m definitely not going to be around certain people.”

Kelsey pauses to think for a second. “Romi is usually right about… certain people, so…” And then her voice trails off as she attempts to catch her thoughts to finish her sentence but, alas, they seem to have outrun her brain.

Ah, dear, sweet, simple Kelsey. Stockholm Syndrome, anyone?

Romi contemplates whether to pack an axe for protection.

“Should we bring boxing gloves? Oh, we should pack this!”

“Just in case those lesbians get crazy,” Romi continues. “I’ll cut a bitch this weekend if they even fuck with me. And if they fuck with you.”

“Daaaaaamn, guuuurl!”