“Pretty Dirty Secrets” recap: The Return of the Black Swan

Every Tuesday night until the <emPretty Little Liars Halloween special, ABC Family will be dropping a creeptastic episode of their new web series, Pretty Dirty Secrets. It’s all going to tie into the main mystery, and so we have an obligation to Spencer “Velma” Hastings to investigate every clue. You can watch last night’s episode at ABCFamily.com.

Previously on Pretty Dirty Secrets, Rosewood’s Halloween Expo expanded its inventory beyond Lady Gaga and Burlap Zombie Baby costumes. The new array of creepy masks and slutty cat suits was such a draw that every resident in town came to the shop to conduct their personal business as loudly as possible. Jason and CeCe met up to accuse one another of being the final push Alison needed to turn into a Satan. (Ridiculous, of course, because if you remember last year’s Halloween episode, Alison murdered her twin sister over a Cabbage Patch Doll when they were little girls. She was born a Satan.) Also, Boo Radley van Sith Lord had Darth Vader prank call Garrett Reynolds comatose mom, all, “Huuuuffff, huuuuufffff, is your refigirator running, huuuuuufffff, huffffff, then go catch it, huffffffff, huffffff, lol, hufffff.”

“I’m a gynecologist. Get it? Because of vaginas.” “Yiiiiikes.”

Noel Kahn is shopping for a Halloween costume, even though his own personal head is kind of like one of those Richard Nixon masks that never stops bearing its teeth in a sinister smile. He spots Shayna, registers her as a girl he’s never sexually harassed before, and hops right on that. He’s like, “Hey, I’m Noel. Want to model one of these whore costumes for me or move into the spare room of my log cabin?” Shayna goes, “Ah. Noel. As in Noel Kahn. As in purveyor of demonic fashion shows and head boy at the Chuck Bass School of Talking to Women.” He giggles, because of course his reputation for being a womanizing, robotizing, pimptastic landlord precedes him. He keeps sneaking a peek over at the fitting room, and when Shayna wonders if he’s here with someone, he goes, “That depends on whether or not you’ll dressing up in this pants-less nurses outfit, like we discussed.”

Shayna hasn’t the time to accept or decline his offer, because here comes Garrett Reynolds. He heard there was a three-for-one special on trick-or-treating candy and you know how he likes to lure teenage lesbians into his cop car with sugary treats. Shayna steps out of the way so Garrett and Noel can bro at each other for a while. “Bro, are you here with Jenna?” “Mind your own beeswax, bro,” “Bro, Jenna will melt your balls into some beeswax if you’re not careful.” “I can take care of my own balls, bro, but thanks.”

The way it’s filmed, it’s like someone is peeping on their conversation, which is, of course, just the silliest thing. No one conceals their shit on this show. They just scream it out in the most public places for all the whole world to overhear.

“It’s me. Aria. I’m just looking for something to wear to school on any old Tuesday.”

A lady emerges from the fitting room in a ball gown and a mask. Is it a lady of the night? A lady of recently reinstalled eyeballs? A lady taking a time-out from an insane asylum to do some shopping? Or is it, perhaps, the Black Swan of yore?

We will never know! At least not until our Regular Little Liars climb aboard the Halloween Express on October 23!

Garrett storms out of the store and Shayna hops right on the phone, talking about, “Hey, guess who was just in here? Noel Kahn. I totally didn’t believe you that his face could make that face until I saw it for myself.