“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.13: The Dark Knight Rises

Spencer emerges from the food car and gets dragged outside by a burlap baby-face zombie who turns out to be Garrett. He wants to make a full confession and that’s when you know for sure that he’s a goner. He starts to tell Spencer about that bazillion-hour night when Ali was murdered but Spencer is like, “No shit, that video plays on the inside of the eyelids every time I shut my eyes. I created an open-world RPG called ‘DiLaurentis Creed’ to try to get it out of my brain, but it won’t go anywhere.” But he’s got more information than the video. For one thing, after Ali found the NAT Club rooting around in her room, Garrett took Jenna outside so Ian and Melissa could talk privately. Garrett flashes back to:

Finding Ali in her backyard staring at the stars. The ground is all dug up and the outline of the DiLaurentis gazebo is there. When Ali sees Garrett and Jenna marching across the yard, she goes, “I thought I heard animal noises.” She and Jenna get into a super tame slap fight when you think about the fact that one of them blinded the other one of them ten minutes ago. Garrett pretends to beat Ali to death with a field hockey stick and Jenna hopefully goes “Did you kill her?” in the way that makes you know she had been part of more than one conversation about killing her. Garrett says he took care of it and pulls Jenna away from the yard.

Back in real life, Spencer goes, “Seriously? That’s all you’ve got?” But no, there’s more. When Garrett went back to talk to Ali, she already had a visitor in the form of — waaaaaaait for it — Byron Montgomery. Of course. Of course she did. Of course he was standing way too close to her and making threatening motions with his hands at her and saying threatening things with his mouth near her. I hear what you’re saying to me. You’re saying, “Wait, was he sleeping with her? Is that why she wanted to rip up his office when she found out about his affair with Meredith?” Or you’re saying, “Was she blackmailing him about the affair and threatening to destroy his family?” And I say to you: Neither. Instead, I postulate that Byron had already formed a Virginity Task Force of one, and his sole mission was to enforce True Love Waits marshall law on the entire town of Rosewood, ensuring that fathers were in charge of their daughters’ sexuality and husbands were in charge of their wives’ sexuality and that women never found out about the power they could possess when they demanded their autonomy and took charge of their own vaginas. Byron could see that Ali was a danger to the future of his patriarchal supremacy and so he sought her out to destroy her.

“I was told to meet here for the convention of worst people.”

Spencer is like, “I’m going to get Aria so you can say that shit to her face. Wait here in the dark on the ledge of this train that is moving along at about 100 miles per hour.”

Inside, Spencer steals Hanna away from all the conspicuous kisses she’s blowing at Caleb and recruits her to help find Aria. The task isn’t quite as easy as they hoped because two seconds into their search they get a text from “A” saying that someone isn’t going to make it to the end of the line. Hint: “A” is talking about Aria. In fact, s/he’s already duct taped Aria up and shoved her inside a wooden box with Garrett’s corpse. Yes, that Garrett. The Garrett who was speaking to Spencer literally seconds ago and has now been murdered and succumbed to like two weeks’ worth of rigor mortis.

The Liars convene to discuss their situation: “A” is on board the train as well as all of their lovers, which means the body count could feasibly total eight before the night is up. Emily is like, “But to what end is ‘A’ pulling these shenanigans right now? And why is Garrett confessing after all this time?” Hanna throws down the best line of the night: “To mess with us! Everyone is messing with us! You can get a varsity letter messing with us!” They split up to look for Aria because they seriously have not learned a single lesson this entire time.

Hanna finds Caleb and tries to bring him up to speed on this current danger to their livelihood but he mostly wants to feel her up and grind all over her. She lets him for a second and then sees the real Caleb drinking Gatorade from the coffin cooler. She whips around and pulls off fake Caleb’s mask to find another mask! An Ali mask! (Guys, it is Mona dressed as Ali dressed as Caleb. Girl is employing three layers of identities just to cop a feel of Hanna! What in the world!)

Spencer finds Garrett’s burlap baby-face zombie mask, but the Queen of Hearts strips it from her hands and forces her outside and holds her over the edge of the train, trying to choke the life and Ravenclaw spirit right out of her. Spencer escapes and makes a break for it, but the Queen of Hearts catches her. They scuffle and shuffle and wrassle and groan. “A little fight in you. I like that,” says the Queen of Hearts. And from the shadows, a voice: “Then you’re gonna love me.” The Dark Knight descends in a flash of triumph and feminine energy. She is clad in a tuxedo. A field hockey penalty was created in her name. She pulls the Queen of Hearts of off Spencer Hastings and throws her across the room like a sack of fluff, like any old pillow. “You can never escape me,” she says, pushing the Queen to the ground again. “Bullets don’t harm me. Nothing harms me. But I know pain. Oh, I know pain. And sometimes I share it — with someone like you.” The Queen of Hearts realizes she is way out of her depth, so she bounces right the hell out of there. Paige rushes to Spencer’s side, holds her, comforts her, finds a giant red fingernail attached to her hair.