“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.14: Pinky and the Brain

Over at the Marin’s, Hanna is offered a bountiful buffet of breakfast delicacies. Mona dropped by with a basket of muffins, the innuendo of which seems to escape Hanna’s notice. But Mamaw is also cooking up a feast of huevos rancheros and hashbrowns. I guess Hanna is still full from that truckload of pig-shaped cupcakes she ate back in season one or something because she refuses all the treats. She asks Mamaw if lunatics can really change their ways, and Mamaw weaves a yarn about some relative named Heshy who tried to feed his parents rusty nails one time, but he went away to an asylum for four months and now he eats Cheerios like a regular person.

Man, my dream life is eating huevos rancheros in the perfect light of the Marin’s kitchen while Mamaw Marin just sings and tells me stories and says stuff like “wipe the dew from my lily” all day long.

Hanna goes to school because Mamaw tells her to, and even as she’s walking out the door, you can tell she’s not sure whether or not to take a chance on Mona again. On the one hand, Mona is the kind of friend who will give you a makeover while you’re in traction in the hospital. On the other hand, Mona is the kind of friend who will hit you with her car so that you end up in traction in the hospital.

At school, none of the other students are sure what to make of Mona’s re-entrance into society either. She’s dressed like if season one Blair Waldorf and season one Rachel Berry had a litter of puppies and the runt was shipped off to boarding school because of seven puppies and only six teats. Emily is pushing Paige’s bike, or either Paige bought Emily her own bike so they could race around in the rain, and she says she thinks they should give Mona another chance. Hanna is leaning toward Emily’s way of thinking when Spencer snaps that they are officially a zero mercy club starting right now. “No leniency!” she says, stomping her foot and opening her eyes real wide like she does. “No grace, no do-overs, no second chances! A is an A and that’s all we need to know! It’s black and white! It’s wrong or right! There’s no way this myopic hard line is ever going to come back and bite me in the ass because I, for one, know better than to let an A fondle my breasts!”

The Liars fall into line and decide to ignore Mona completely.

Their talk turns to Byron and whether or not Garrett was telling the truth on the terror train when he said he saw him talking to Ali the night she was murdered. Aria is like, “Oh, ho! And I’ll bet you think my dad drugged me and stuffed me in a box, too?” And yes, Aria, if he thought it would keep you from exercising your autonomy as a powerful young woman with a right to control her own vagina, I think that’s exactly what he’d do. Aria storms into school, which, in those shoes(?) is an athletic achievement on par with those Cirque du Soleil performers who frolick around on top of the wheel of death.

By the way, the whole time she’s clomping around town defending the honor of her awful father, she keeps telling everyone how guilty she feels for not confessing to Ezra he has a kid, and everyone she talks to is like, “Duh, you ass. You should feel guilty.”

There’s a new teacher in town and it is Meredith. The only thing you need to know about Meredith is that she was once a patron to Byron Montgomery’s pants party, and so now you can adjust your judgment meter accordingly. Aria is squicked out, having now been confronted with her dad’s grossness half a dozen times before 8:30 a.m., but Meredith is nothing less than professional. She talks about checks and balances in the U.S. government, which is obviously an A-team hint, and takes away Aria’s cell phone when she starts texting during class. Afterward, she asks to speak to Aria privately, but the Liars flank her on every side, so Meredith cowers — quite rightly — and gives Aria her phone back.