“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.14: Pinky and the Brain

Mona watches the whole thing with her puppy dog/laser eyes and then excuses herself out into the hallway and over to her locker, into which someone has deposited a cow brain. Are you listening to me? There is a brain, a real brain, covered in brain juice, sliced in half, held in place with a knife, pinned inside Mona’s locker. A BRAIN. OK, and so while Hanna shrieks and throws up a little bit, Mona pulls the knife free, marches down the hall, dumps the brain into the trash can, and then brandishes the knife for a good long time, a lot longer than necessary, before she decides to toss it in the trash as well. Everyone in the school is gathered around and mumbling and filming the whole thing on their cell phones and, I mean, even if you one time saw a girl beat a snake to death with a mannequin leg, this is still quite a pageant of glory.

Mona slowly returns to her locker, stopping to either whisper something in Lucas’ ear or sniff him to see if he smells guilty. I can’t tell which. After she gathers her books and makes her way to her next class, Hanna accosts Lucas about their little post-brain exchange, but he’s not talking. Instead, he is limping.

The Liars assemble in the bathroom to debrief the brain thing. Their straw poll indicates that three of the four of them are actually feeling pretty bad for Mona right now, but Spencer punches the brick wall with her fist and shouts, “NO MERCY!” just as Mona tip-toes in to attend to her headband. Emily is like, “Hey, uh, you don’t think we put that brain in your locker, right?” And Mona’s like, “No, why would you? If I remember correctly, I’m the one who stroked a porcelain doll face while speaking in code to point you toward Maya’s website so you could track down her murderer and stab him to death with a pocketknife in a lighthouse. That doesn’t seem like the kind of good deed that gets punished with a cow carcass.”

Emily doesn’t say anything about the poisoned sports cream or the fake scholarship letter or the photobooth portraits of her and Maya kissing that circulated around the whole damn town or the carbon monoxide poisoning in that barn or the absolute militia of dolls that have tried to murder her, all thanks to Mona. She just mumbles, “Maya’s Away, Sleeping Sweet. Until Garrett’s All Rosy, Count On Me,” to herself and feels more confused than ever.

At lunch, Hanna accosts Caleb in the courtyard and asks him to ask Lucas if he’s limping around because he’s got a rusty screwdriver stab wound left over from around Halloween time. Spencer shares some sandwiches with Toby, who wants to talk about literally anything on earth that is not A-related, but Spencer sees Jason hugging Mona, so her sleuthy senses ratchet to eleven. And Emily spends her lunch break explaining to her dad that she can’t pop out of class and answer the phone every ten minutes when Pam calls to see if she’s still alive. It probably doesn’t do much to put his mind at ease when she just flat hangs up on him because she spots the new janitor talking to Mona and realizes the new janitor was also the owner/proprietor of the Lost Wood Resort where Mona kept her lair and chewed her bubble gum and stored her cardigans.

Because they have never seen an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Hanna and Emily go traipsing into the school’s basement to look for clues. In the janitor’s office, they find a whole sack of Mona’s lair stuff, including, inexplicably, one of those burlap baby-face zombie masks that mark the arrival of October in Rosewood every year. They whisper-bicker about whether or not Mona is playing this janitor or this janitor is playing Mona, but they don’t get any answers because the janitor comes a-callin’ and they have to duck behind a cabinet.