“Lost Girl” Recap (3.01): Lock me up and throw away the key

Bo gets sent to the nurse, and we hear a familiar voice behind a partition says, “Put her on the table.” I’ve created elaborate dream sequences that didn’t start out this well. From behind the curtain pops, hold onto your ovaries, Dr. Lauren Lewis. I will now pause for everyone to find some ice cubes or a cold pack to calm the raging fever that has suddenly overtaken your entire body. That voice. Those eyes. That labcoat.

Dr. Hotpants is as hot as ever. Bo gives her her sad history: “I’ve loved, I’ve lost. My dog’s done run away.” Lauren is having none of that because, seriously, have you seen how hot Bo looks in that jumpsuit? So she commands, “On the table, now.” More ice for everyone, STAT. The good doctor tells the guard to go polish her baton and now there’s not enough ice in the world.

Bo calls her badass, which she is, and Lauren calls her a bad girl, which she is. Turns out this has all been the “best role play ever” as Bo is pretending to be very naughty indeed to go undercover at Hecuba Prison. They believe something very bad has happened to Lauren’s former mentor, Dr. Everett, who has disappeared. And Lauren has infiltrated as the new prison doctor and a Fae that smells quite pungent thanks to the skunk ape glands she rubbed all over herself. Hey, stinky Lauren is still Lauren. I’d totally hit that. We all would.

Lauren next breaks all of our hearts by presenting Bo with a rock. OK, fine, it really is just a rock – more like a special stone that will help her use her Fae powers inside the prison. Bo doesn’t let the significance pass and says, “A giant rock this early in our relationship? Are you saying you want a commitment?” Lauren doesn’t let the moment pass either, “Are you saying this is a relationship?” Oh my God, you two. Kiss now and forever.

Just then the blonde amazon walks in and kills the moment. She’s the prison warden and, by her wanky clothing choices, I’d guess moonlights as a dominatrix on the weekends. Also, there’s that riding crop she menaces Lauren with. See here now lady, be as pervy as you want with Bo. But lay one creepy finger on Dr. Hotpants and it’ll be an Amazons v. Lesbians throwdown for the ages.

Back at the Dal, Kenzi is going on about how this crazy plan will never work. So she goes running to the new Ash. Who is…Hale? Yep, our favorite Siren is the new acting Ash. And his headquarters are in the Dal’s banquet room, apparently. It was his idea to send Bo and Lauren into the prison to root out corruption and make a name for himself as the new Ash. Kenzi knows the real reason is “because of your stupid penis” that the Amazons won’t listen to him. Kenzi, girl, I’ve missed you.

Warden Wanky reassigns Bo to a “special” assignment in her office. That “special” assignment involves scrubbing her office floors with a toothbrush on all fours while wearing an itsy bitsy maids uniform. The warden tells her to “scrub a little – slower” and the view is amazing. Oh, Boobs O’Clock, we’ve missed you most of all. I mean, horrible exploitation. Feminism. Sisterhood. Gloria Steinem.

A guard walks in with a serious looking briefcase. This prison is high-tech enough to have laser eye recognition software for the warden’s inner sanctum, which is weird because everything else looks straight out of 1974. After showing her the sealed vial contents, the guard asks Warden Wanky how long she’ll keep doing this, whatever this is. That earns her a slap on the face and a talk about doing everything to keep the Amazons strong. Next thing you know she’s going to start handing out Amazon Strong bracelets. It worked so well for Lance Armstrong.

Released from her sexploitation duties, Bo wanders the yard with Sylvie and gets an eyeful of prisoners making out. Sylvie tells her the prison has a terrible recidivism rate, with inmates coming back all the time even worse than before. But she’s going to be different because, look how plucky and unable to understand pop culture references she is.

Just then a guard grabs Sylvie and threatens her with a beatdown. Bo tells her to pick on someone her own size, because she’s Bo and her hero complex is not a joke. After a few blows from that freshly polished baton, Bo puts the whammy on the guard, getting a little needed face suck time.

This earns Bo a trip to the “warden’s office,” which is really a back room where she can be sprayed down with a hose, fondled by Warden Wanky and then have the crap beaten out of her by the guards. It’s terrible, horrible, so degrading. I totally did not rewind to watch the warden feel up a soaking wet Bo again.