“Glee” recap (4.11): Locked Out of Heaven

Previously on Glee:

Let’s do McKinley first today:

Tina Cohen-Chang leads a meeting of the Too Young to Be Bitter Club. In the case of most of the club’s members — Becky, Lauren Zizes (er, hey, girl?), Marley — it’s true; they are too young to be bitter. But Tina, whose entire existence is like getting live-action trolled Stranger than Fiction-style, deserves her bitterness. Honestly, if she could find an archenemy and develop a maniacal laugh, she’d be in possession of all the qualities and life experiences she needs to become a supervillain. Anyway, the club doesn’t know it is trapped inside an episode of Glee, so the ladies decide it’s time for some female-empowerment. Rather than waiting around for boys to validate their existence, the girls decide to throw a Sadie Hawkins dance, so they can actively seek out boys to validate their existence. Revolutionary!

Finn decides that the best way to honor his super queer, gender role-breaking glee club is to have the gals sing a song to the guy of their choosing as an invitation to the dance. Tina is up first and she chooses to sing Jesus Christ Superstar’s “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” to Blaine, which is unintentionally hilarious on a variety of levels. For starters, like Tina, Mary Magdelane was possessed by seven demons that set her up for a lifetime of raining down her wrath. And also like Tina, to sing this song to the object of her affection, Mary M. would have had to elbow/claw her way into a group of dudes who were flanking him on all sides and worshiping him as their messiah. Blaine sways and claps and grins and gives her the thumbs up all the way through her solo, and then he shoots her down in front of everyone when she asks him to the dance.

After class, Tina stares at Blaine’s ass for a while and decides she will not take “no” for an answer. She marches over and demands to know why he won’t go to the dance with her. He’s like, “Um, because I’m gay and I already did that whole bicurious storyline with Rachel ages ago.” Just kidding. He says he can’t go to the dance with her because he’s doing the “gay guy falling for straight guy” thing that Kurt did with Finn in season one. “But less predatory machinations and more being adorably awkward from a distance,” he explains. Tina says they should go to the dance as just friends, because being a straight girl staring moony-eyed at a gay guy staring moony-eyed at a straight guy is an exercise in humiliation even she has not yet experienced.