“Chicago Fire” recap (1.13) “I can dance. You can just watch.”

Severide comes into the break room with his hands shoved in his pockets to depths previously uncharted outside the lesbian community. He shrugs and announces that he’s moving to Spain. Everyone cheers awkwardly. Clearly the tepid response indicates that not enough of them have seen Renee Royce.

He has a heart to heart with the Chief who offers to pull strings to get Severide a cushy job. Severide’s not having it because there’s nowhere cushier than Renee’s um…warm embrace. The Chief tells Severide he’s not sure he has done enough for Ernie, that he know the “uncle” is bad news,  and he’s genuinely tortured by the fact that the cops don’t appear to have done a single thing.

Shay is doing her “I’m so disappointed in you” face early this week as she talks to Severide about maybe giving her a heads up before he told the firehouse he was moving. Severide is that friend you have who bears a striking resemblance to that pet you had who would chew your favorite toy or poop in your bedroom but just when you thought you couldn’t take it anymore he’d come and put his big old head on your leg and look up at you with those sad eyes. You’d want to stay mad, and you’d swear not to let him near your stuff ever again, but you’d forget and he’d chew your crap and each time you’d forgive the lug because you couldn’t resist.

Before they can get to the part where Shay pats him on the head they are all called out to a shooting involving an infant. Shay and Dawson get to the building and woman is shouting about how her baby has been shot. They double time it up the stairs and when they get in the apartment the “baby” looks a lot like a teenager. Before we can properly digest that a guy with a shotgun emerges from behind the door like a deranged jack-in-the-box. Ladies, this is the second time you’ve rushed in and the shooter has been waiting around. The guy smacks his mom with the butt of his gun and she’s out cold. Shay gets the guy to let her help his mom but then tasers the big lug. Apparently, she did learn.   

In about a second I’m going to jolt your ass with my illegal taser

Dawson, who is intimately familiar with the concept of breaking the rules, lies and says the dude totally just fell and hit his head when everybody’s hero Casey comes in. On their way out she clues Shay into the fact that tasers are not allowed and that it says so on the first page of the handbook. Shay’s all “studying totally interferes with my whole devil-may-care attitude that makes me irresistible to lesbians everywhere.”

The shift is over and Dawson is walking to her car when Mills trots up to her with the puppy in his arms. You are killing me man!  He asks about seeing her when he’s off of his shift and she says sure because the oaf is holding a puppy and how can you say no to that?  

Even the puppy thinks this is a cheap ploy and would like not to be involved.

She walks to her car and Casey pulls up and asks if she wants to go to breakfast. She forgets all about Mills, puppies, and their tentative date because hero boy is talking to her.

Guess who else has a surprise waiting for her?

Shay walks across the driveway carrying her bag on one shoulder like she’s getting ready to change for soccer practice but before she can make it to her car she notices a black car the size of the Titanic. Standing in front of the unsinkable behemoth, wearing a coat she borrowed from Snooki, is Clarice. All this can be yours Leslie Shay, if the price is right.

Clarice is now three years pregnant. She tells Shay that she left her husband and moved back in with her parents. She’s staying in her old bedroom and staring at Gwen Stefani’s abs on her No Doubtposter from 1998 and feeling like the lyrics to “Don’t Speak” were totally written for her. She thanks Shay for being there for her and something else about knowing that they are just friends all while making the face that says “I love you even though I left you, married a dude, got pregnant, and am back at my parents’ house.” You’re a total catch Clarice, the whole fucking package.  

Shay, because she can’t help herself, faux cheetah is her weakness, asks Clarice to move in with her because she still pissed that Severide is moving to Spain and she hates him enough for it that she’s willing to get sucked back into an unhealthy relationship with a woman whose hormones might have her speaking to snakes next week.