“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.19: Whiskey Lullaby

I’m sorry this recap is a shorter and a later than usual. Hopefully, I’ll be up and running again before next week’s Paige-apalooza.

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Spencer carved her boyfriend’s name into his mother’s gravestone with the key to the room where he kept her worst nightmares. Hanna visited a lezzy bar, worked some overalls, ordered her own cheese fries, was generally above reproach. Aria shacked up with Wesley Fitzgerald, who, in terms of math, was: half the age and half the height and half the lesbian of his older brother. And Emily realized that without a Spencer Hastings the earth would be thrown out of orbit, and so she drank a bunch of coffee and ate a bunch of lightning and drove on down to the police station to do some spankin’.

The Liars are beside themselves with worry about Spencer. She doesn’t return texts. She doesn’t answer the phone. She doesn’t even go to school here anymore. The only thing she does is sit in the chair Toby made for her with her wild eyes and wild hair, just rocking and rocking and speaking impeccable French to the wall. Emily, for one, can’t take much more of watching Spencer suffer. And so after Andrew tells Spencer she’s off the academic decathlon squad for skipping practice, Emily swoops in with a pep talk. She knows a thing or two comforting competitive maniacs, having presumably made out with a McCullers-shaped one just this morning, so she gives it the old one-two punch: 1) Your enemies are my enemies and we will kill them where they sleep. 2) Let’s hug it out.

But Spencer refuses to be comforted. She pulls her sunglasses out of her locker and storms off, but as soon as she shoves the sunnies onto her face, she realizes A has carved a message into the lenses: Rat out T, I take down one of your three. She flips around and sees her three staring at her and remembers, just for a second, what it means to be Spencer Hastings. The power of the sun and the life of the Liars in the palm of your hand.

Rear Window Brew. Hanna’s new and most important thing is getting Caleb to reconcile with his dad, Uncle Jamie. Aria warns her to learn potentially life-changing information at the same rate as her boyfriend or else she’s going to have Delaware Maggie & Sons situation on her hands. Speaking of: Aria’s phone rings and it is Diane Fitzgerald(!). She wants to know if Wes is hiding out in Rosewood hitting people in the faces with pizzas or anything. Aria does not dime him out because she wants to protect him because they are practically brother and sister. (Which, on this show, means they will be making out before the sun sets, of course.)

CeCe Drake is also in attendance at the Brew, which is good news for Emily because she’s still very interested in talking about the Cape May beach hottie and his sperms. Emily name-drops Detective Wilden and CeCe waves him off as one of the two dozen Kappa Gamma Ding Dongs that wanted to statutory rape Alison that summer. (Remember that one flashback when either Ian or Ali murdered a girl right in front of everyone’s eyes at that frat party? Just pushed her down the stairs and broke her neck and everyone just kept on dancing?) Anyway, CeCe can’t really stick around to talk murder mysteries because she’s got some photos to take and a website page to build. Toodles and kisses and Americano and ta.

Spencer is at home food processing the shit out of every phallic-shaped vegetable in her refrigerator when Andrew stops by with condolences for kicking her off the team. She understands that he is apologizing because he was the swing vote that sealed her fate, and also she understands that he wants to see her naked. And so she proposes: Strip History Trivia. She’s like, “It’s a win-win. If you actually win, you get to keep your spot on the team. And even if you lose and I get to take your spot on the team, you get to see the smartest boobs in the greater Philadelphia area.” Andrew, as we have established, is not an idiot. He says yes.