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“Glee” recap 4.20: Santana Baby

Previously on Glee, Santana finally moved to New York with Kurt and Rachel, and the family they made there – of one gay lady and one straight lady and one gay man and two boyfriend pillows and one girlfriend pillow – was exactly the kind of urban home situation that makes our hearts grow like the Grinch in the presence of Cindy Lou Who, so we were like, “Oh, finally!” And Glee was all, “So what you’re saying is you want to see more Marley and Kitty and Ryder and Jake?” And were like, “No.” And Glee was like, “So yes?” And we were all, “No, is what we said!” And Glee was all, “But what you meant was yes?” And we were like, “No!” And Glee was like, “Fuck you, too bad, here’s Ryder getting Catfished for 600 hours.” William “Fair Play” Schuester has been creeping around to every school school in the district, skulking back stage in auditoriums and peeking around corners wearing those glasses with the fake nose and mustache and lurking behind curtains because he wants to know what kind of competition New Directions is going to be up against at Regionals. What he discovers at that the Hoosier Daddies have the advantage of an American Idol runner-up, so he scraps every one of the one million plans he’s had so far and decides they need to GO BIG OR GO HOME. Stadium songs, basically, is what he wants. But don’t get too excited. Even though I’ve been waiting four seasons for Glee to cover the Space Jam theme song, that is not what they’ll be doing. Because the power goes out in the whole school.

For a group of kids who were traumatized by a gun going off in their hallowed halls only two weeks ago, they take the sudden blackout really well, maybe because Principal Figgins hops on the intercom right away to assure them that emergency supplies are available for the students with the best GPAs.

Mr. Schue says stadium songs are out, acoustic songs are in.

I guess Ryder’s doing better in school now because he is one of the chosen few who receives a flashlight, which he immediately uses to shine on his face so Jake can see how serious he is when he says (again) that Katie Catfish is the love of his young life. Why, just before the blackout, he was accosting her some more about how she keeps standing him up, and she was like, “I will not answer your questions about my dodgy behavior, but just keep confessing your deepest, darkest secrets to me like a regular old Ginny Weasley and I will definitely not cause you to murder any chickens or cats while I grow stronger and stronger in the lair I’ve hidden in the bowels of your school.” Ryder says, “OK, Katie!” Jake’s face is so bemused; he simply cannot believe this storyline is still going on. Sam is the first to offer up a stripped-down solo. He goes with “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin'” because it’s the song to which he was conceived and also it reminds him of when he was a stripper. I love Sam, but Sam did not get a school-issued emergency flashlight. However, one of my favorite Glee things is Chord and his guitar, so I really dig his Righteous Brothers’ cover. He and Ryder should spend more time harmonizing. It’d keep Ryder from accidentally opening up the Chamber of Secrets and it’d give Sam something to do with his spare time now that Brittany keeps disappearing every other episode.

The whole time Sam and Ryder are singing, Artie is texting away on his phone while wearing a miner’s helmet. He’s texting, OK? Do you see that Artie is texting? On his phone during Sam’s song is Artie, who is texting, and not paying attention. It’s obviously very important because the camera won’t shut up about it. Afterward, Artie tells glee club he can’t perform without his “synths” and Sam’s like, “Screw your synths! Do you think Tiny Tim had synths? Do you think Cinderella had synths? No! They did not! And neither did I when I, too, was an orphan boy just trying to entertain my hungry brothers on those cold, powerless nights beneath the harvest moon!”

Sam’s edginess tells me Lord Tubbington has not stopped trolling him.

Artie takes Sam’s reprimanding to heart after he smashes a water bottle with his chair and realizes that music is everywhere. He tells Sam he wants to bring in ‘Da Noise and also ‘Da Funk with cans and bottles and buckets and zippers and aluminum foil and a sundry of other repurposed grabages. And so he does. And we get another Queen jam, a little “We Will Rock You.” Ryder decides to take Jake’s advice and open up to human people he can see with his eyeballs. He does it with a full orchestra. “Which I gladly agreed to because what Ryder eloquently told me is what he wanted to unplug [beat] were his feelings,” is what Matthew Morrison manages to say with a straight face. In a candlelit room over collective memories of getting slushied, Ryder does R.E.M.’S “Everybody Hurts.” After the song is over, he says he has something else he wants to open up about: He was molested by his (female) teenage babysitter when he was 11, and that’s one of the reasons he has a hard time trusting girls. Oh, the hootin’ and a-hollerin’ Sam and Artie do when Ryder tells his story. LOL, they say. LOL, dude. That’s just called “getting lucky.” Er, no, you asshats, what it is called is “sexual abuse.” Marley jumps to Ryder’s defense, but Ryder tries to laugh it off, like, “Heh. Yeah. Lucky.”

Kitty, for one, is not amused. She invites Ryder out to dinner and tells him that she also was molested when she was in middle school, by her best friend’s brother at a slumber party. And also like Ryder, she was the object of ridicule and scorn and a whole lot of victim blaming when she finally came out with the truth. That’s how come she changed schools and also how come she’s so surly. They hold hands and understand each other for a little while – but by the next afternoon, Ryder’s back to pouring all of his hopes and dreams and fears into Tom Riddle’s diary. Speaking of Slytherins, Sue Sylvester has a new job: Freelance Champion. Down at the 23 Hour Fitness, she’s offering her expertise in personal training to people who like to cry. Also, she does a Big Gay Boot Camp, the likes of which you have scarcely seen even in your most tripped out daydreams. Attending said boot camp is Blaine Warbler, who is just thrusting and gyrating and twirling and crunching and stretching and flipping and writhing and sweating to beat the band. One of the other boot camp gays checks him out hard, but Blaine’s face is like, “Nope. I learned these moves because the love of my life loves Richard Simmons.” After class, Sue allows Blaine to speak to her because he didn’t die. Also, “Fact: If I hadn’t mistaken you for a butch Israeli gal, I would never have let you in here.” He tells her he knows there’s more to the gun story than what she told and also he’s worried about the Cheerios because Coach Roz is trying to make them have their ribs removed so they’ll be lighter and more flexible. Sue says she’s over it, says she’s moved on, but that Blaine is welcome back to Big Gay Boot Camp anytime.

Sue has not moved on, though. In fact, she stalks out Cheerios practice that very afternoon, where she finds Becky dressed exactly like her. Becky has quit the Cheerios because Coach Roz has it out for her because she thinks she’s Sue’s daughter. Cue fantasy sequence in which Jane Lynch crushes it with “Little Girls” from Annie. Isn’t it crazy-awesome that Carol Burnett played her mom on Glee and now Jane Lynch is going to be doing Miss Hannigan on Broadway? Love those ladies. After her song, Sue says she doesn’t miss the Cheerios. Not at all. Even though she gave them 95 of the best years of her life. Before the blackout is over, Coach Roz drags Becky to Figgins’ office to complain about how she’s undermining her authority by making crude noises every time Roz blinks. “You can’t insult the sultry and mysterious Coach Roz Washington. She is an African-American treasure,” Figgins tells Becky. It seems like Becky is going to confess to the gun thing, and who knows how Glee is going to play it, but I sure hope we don’t lose her. Her face is one of my favorites. Finally, the power is restored to McKinley, just in time for New Directions to realize they don’t need it. They close it out with an a capella rendition of “The Longest Time.” Marley Rose – bless her – tries to do some moves like she’s heard about from Big Gay Boot Camp. She is not successful. I guess that means we need to see more training sessions in Big Gay Boot Camp.

Rachel and Kurt are waiting in the Hummelpezberry Loft to have their weekly confrontation with Santana. You know it’s going to be a serious one when Santana drags a dumpster-diver chair into the loft and they don’t even flip out about bed bugs. Whatever Kurt is wearing is one of the best things Kurt has ever worn. Park Ranger Chic, I guess, is what you would call it. Well, Kurt and Rachel have been talking and they’ve decided that Santana is throwing her life away. She splits her time these days between three jobs: Dancer/bartender at the Coyote Ugly Bar, bouncer at a lesbian beer garden, Barbarella cage dancer. (Wherever did you get that costume idea, Lopez?) Santana rebuffs their rebukes because: a) Some people have to work to make it in the big city, and b) Kurt doesn’t have any room to talk because apparently he works a second job as a singing waiter at the Fire Island pancake shack. OK, HOLD UP.

You mean to tell me that Santana has been dancing around in a cage in a Barbarella costume and Kurt has been singing and slinging pancakes on Fire Island, and instead of seeing those greatest things in the world, I have been subjected to six full hours of watching Ryder type on a computer? Seriously, Glee? SERIOUSLY?

Santana says she’s still sorting out her dreams. Vogue.com offices. Everyone is in the mood for heart-to-hearts today. Isabelle sits Kurt down and tells him that even though they miss him at his job, she would never stand in the way of a person as beautiful as him pursuing his dreams. Kurt, hilariously: “Thank you, fairy godmother!” And then Isabelle hits him with even more magical news: The celebrity handler she hired for the New York City Ballet Gala succumbed to chicken pox thanks to Barbara Walters, so she needs Kurt to take over. He’s welcome to invite either of his supernaturally gorgeous best friends, if he wants.

(There’s also this really funny thing in this scene where SJP keeps saying “Darren” and “Christopher” over and over again. She’s talking about Darren Aronofsky and Chris Nolan, both of whom will be attending this gala, apparently, but at first it seems like some weirdo meta Darren Criss/Chris Colfer thing.)

Kurt says he’ll literally die if Isabelle gives the job to anyone else and then he goes home to tell Santana and Rachel the big news. This is how Kurt opens doors to announce his presence, because he is perfect. OK, how’s your heart? Intact? Beating correctly? How are your tear ducts? Dry? Well, get ready for both of those things to go haywire because when Kurt announces their invitation to the gala, he and Rachel both reveal their childhood love of ballet. For Rachel, it was just another day of superstardom. For Kurt, it was his mother’s gift to him because she loved the way he pirouetted around the living room to the Blue’s Clues theme song. Santana goes, “Just when I thought it couldn’t get any gayer up in here …” She says she didn’t take ballet, but instead skipped straight to the fine art of crunk. Kurt tempts her with a gown from the Vogue.com vault and Santana rolls her eyes, like, “Oh, all right!”

At the gala, in the presence of of the Gay Fairy Godmother, Santana’s hard exterior cracks and she confesses that she, too, took ballet when she was a little girl. Her abuela enrolled her because she was such a tomboy. She loved it there. What happens next is one of my most favorite things Glee has ever done; certainly, it’s one of the most soulful. Isabelle and Kurt and Rachel and Santana perform “At the Ballet” from A Chorus Line while the ballet goes on all around them and Kurt and Rachel and Santana flashback to their little tutu-ed selves at the barre. Look at them. Look at them. The more I think about Glee, the more I realize it is a show that never could have pleased all of its audience. On one hand, you’ve got your shippers, and god love them, but most harcore shippers don’t watch TV for narrative nuance. And Glee‘s got more ships and subtext ships and crack!ships than any TV show in the history of the entire world. And then you’ve got your minorities, watching for fair and honest visibility. You’ve got your serious thespians and your casual musical theater folks and your Top 40 junkies who’ve never even heard of Marvin Hamlisch. You’ve got your viewers watching for the comedy and your viewers watching for the drama. You’ve even got your viewers watching for the Degrassi-style PSAs. Maybe where Glee went wrong was trying to appeal to all of those people. Maybe in trying to please everyone they ended up pleasing no one. It definitely seems like none of the EPs have ever truly understood what makes Glee work, and more often than not, it seems like they have three completely different visions for the show. So for four seasons, they’ve just been throwing anything and everything at the wall to see what sticks, and yet, they’ve never been able to zero in on a formula of sticky things that work together. I’m saying that now because I just loved “At the Ballet” so much, and when I said it on Twitter last night, the responses were so polarizing. It was either one of Glee‘s best things or one of Glee‘s most boring things. It either could have gone on for 40 more minutes or should have stopped after 30 seconds. I adored it. I adored it in all my whole heart and it made me wish this show would have the balls to make seasons five and six about these three (and Blaine and Mercedes, too) living out their dreams in New York.

So, but after the performance, Santana is so moved that she decides to sign up for a NYADA extension class, even though, as she says, she is already Wonder Woman. Her little tiny Santana self shows up in class. She reaches her arms out and says, “Don’t forget me again, OK?” And Santana promises she won’t. Grown-up Santana hugs tiny Santana and says she’s got her now. Next week: Mercedes is back! Mike Chang is back! Meredith Baxter and Patty Duke are in lesbians with each other! Oh, and, you know, just a little bit of Blaine Warbler asking Burt Hummel for Kurt’s hand in marriage. He likes it. He wants to put a ring on it. The show is coming full circle.

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