TV

“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.5): The Chickening

Sunday in Prison!

Chapman wakes up a little sad. Well, she is in prison and stuff. She grabs a book, a granola bar, and some peanut butter. She also grabs some tea from the dining hall. A guard (O’Neill, whom we haven’t talked to much) cautions Chapman that breakfast is the most important meal of the day and announces that he’s doing that four-hour body thing. Oh, dear.

Chapman takes her stuff out to the prison yard for a read in the cool autumn air. She sees a chicken. Yes, a chicken.

Chapel!

Nichols (Hiiii, Nichols!) is in the Chapel making Morello see God. Nichols gives Morello like half a second to rest, then says she wants to work out her other arm so she won’t be asymmetrical. Always the romantic. Morello says she’s engaged and can’t sleep with Nichols anymore, and Nichols says “At least get me off first.” Morello complains that that isn’t very classy.

Honestly? No one is right in this argument. While Nichols isn’t being sensitive to Morello’s feelings, I don’t think it’s quite proper last-sex-before-the breakup etiquette to announce the new rules directly after your own orgasm but before your partner’s. Let your regret hit at a moment that’s a little more sporting.

Images Courtesy of Netflix. Photo by Eric Liebowitz

But there’s no more time for fisticuffs of either kind, because some people are coming into the chapel who would like to actually use it as a chapel. Morello and Nichols hide under the altar until they can scramble out.

The Sister, a chaplain, and some prisoner we haven’t met yet are getting ready for Mass. Doggett the new prisoner is having trouble with the fact that the chapel is used by a lot of different faiths. She wants to put up a big glow-in-the-dark cross, and is mad that the chapel has to be kept nondenominational. She yells about how she’s a victim and her religious freedom is being violated and literally walks off dragging her cross to bear. Always nice to know what happened to the Santorum kids.

Salon!

Sophia is touching up Boo’s cut. Sophia’s still having trouble with not enough ladyjuice. Boo says Sophia could sue over her meds being cut off. Boo mentions that the nun gets estrogen. Hmm.

Dorm!

Mom Diaz wants Diaz to thread Mom’s eyebrows. Mom says she’ll deign to let Diaz keep score at dominoes if she does it. She gives Diaz some sweet corn to trade for thread. Nice Bennett catches Diaz and seems to be giving her guard guff, but-sneaky!-he’s actually pretending she’s not a favorite while dropping a note in her pocket.

Diaz needs to work on acting like she’s not loopy for Bennett.

Rec room!

Alex and Morello are there. Chapman is feeling all happy and mystical from the outdoors and the fall colors. She mentions the chicken and the whole room reacts. Morello tells her to tell Red about the chicken.

Bathroom stall!

Diaz reads her note. Bennett apologizes for having to be a dick and asks her to meet him. Diaz flushes the note, which leads us into…

Diaz flashback!

Her little sister just flushed a Barbie. Mom Diaz is pissed, but can’t stick around. She’s all gussied up to go out. And also has a wicked scorpion tattoo. Mom Diaz tells the kids to get a tattoo and leaves with “I’m eating oysters, bitches.”

Kitchen!

This alleged chicken sighting is the most exciting thing anyone in the kitchen has ever heard of. Apparently Chapman has seen a legendary superchicken who escaped slaughter at a nearby farm.

Oh, freaky. Red says the chicken came to her in a dream. She wants some real, fresh, just-killed, not-processed chicken Kiev, and promises a box of Bioré strips to anyone who can bag the bird. I did not, until that line, know that Bioré stips were still a thing. Interesting product placement strategy.

Outside!

Sophia chats with Sister Ingalls and makes sure she knows she loves Jesus and is curious about communion. The two walk into the chapel to find Doggett and friends trying to hang her cross from an electrical pipe. That is not a euphemism. The Sister reminds Doggett that she’s not supposed to do that, and Sophia points out that that’s not a load-bearing pipe. Which, it turns out, is a very important piece of information. The whole shebang comes crashing down on the altar, along with a whole lotta ceiling and some more pipe.

Doggett does not take hints from God well.

Visiting room!

Larry is bored by the chicken story and Polly is passive-aggressively screwing up their whole deal for putting their soaps in Barney’s. Whoops! Larry and Chapman had been counting on that deal for income. Like any income. Polly is a wee bit resentful about Piper starting a business with her and then going to prison. Chapman tries to figure out how she can get on a conference call with Barney’s without them knowing she’s in prison. Larry also hasn’t checked to see if Alex ratted out Chapman. Speaking of people who have resentments…

Anyway, Chapman lets it slip that Alex is inside with her and suddenly everyone is wondering if Chapman will sleep with someone in prison. At least they’re on the same page with the viewing audience.

Guard station!

Diaz picks up a hidden stick of gum. Aww.

Chapel!

Oh, no. Mustache Mendez is apparently heading up the repair of the damage to the chapel. The electrical and construction team is here. One prisoner asks why Doggett wasn’t sent to SHU for this since Watson was sent down just for saying something. Doggett says she was just doing as the Spirit demanded.

Chapman asks for some masks for the mold and the asbestos and stuff, and Mustache actually asks Bennett to look for one.

Oh, no, Doggett is a pill. She says that Sophia should have to leave, because Sophia is the reason God collapsed the chapel roof. This is exactly the kind of thing that makes actual Christians cringe. Mustache gets in Doggett’s face and tells her she is not an agent of God. Dammit, show, don’t make me agree with Mendez.

Sister Ingalls stands up for Sophia, noting that she just wants to help clean up the mess that Doggett caused. Mustache undercuts his earlier point with some truly impressive blasphemy.

Guard station!

It’s getting even cuter. Bennett finds a note from Diaz with a drawing of him on the back.

Chapel!

Turns out the dust masks are just for the guards. Nice. Chapman tells Nichols (Hiiiii, Nichols!) that she really saw the Phantom Chicken. Nichols, ever practical, is a skeptic. Nichols admits that she and Morello are on a break on account of the whole Morello being engaged thing, but Nichols says her engagement is doomed and she’ll be back.

Prison yard!

Diaz is terrible at scorekeeping because she’s in lurve. Morello and Chapman are out looking for the chicken. Another inmate tells the domino players that some people smuggle drugs in birds, and that the chicken could be valuable. Mom Diaz says it’s a fairy tale, but the other inmate says there could be a thousand bucks stuffed up that chicken butt. End of domino game. …And then the basketball players see that all the domino players are also looking for the chicken.

Mom Diaz totally knows about Bennett. She advises Diaz to bang a guard who will be grateful enough to bring her stuff instead of sleeping with one for love.

Diaz Flashback!

Young Diaz comes home. Her kids sister is hungry, but she can’t go in the kitchen because drug stuff is happening in there. Holy damn, does Mom Diaz know how to keep a man in line. She stops him from getting Diaz to make mac and cheese by shaming him for being a child and “wearing Superman undies” until he gives Diaz money to buy her little sister some real food. Mom Diaz has some unconventional child-rearing techniques.

Yoga time!

I’ve missed you, Yoga Jones! Morello is hating yoga. The AA group comes into the yoga room because the chapel is gone. Nichols and Crazy Eyes immediately start ogling everyone, and of course Alex ogles Chapman. Yoga Jones is not having it. She leaves just before Chapman rolls up her mat and stalks out.

Library!

The Sister is talking Sophia through frustrating bodily changes. Sophia tries to lead the Sister around to hormones, and the Sister is waaaaaay ahead of her. Whoa-the Sister hits true when she hits. She says that a real woman is never happy with her body anyway, and, more to the point, says that if Sophia truly wants to be content, she should be working on that guilt over going to prison and forcing her wife to raise Michael alone. She hits one hell of a nerve.

YogAA!

Taystee is trying to tell her story while yoga is happening in the same room. It involves toplessness, barbecue sauce, and a bulldozer. Crazy Eyes can totally relate. Alex decides to share today. She says her “rock bottom” is right now. Chapman listens in a bit. She starts to roll up her yoga mat as Alex talks about their breakup-Alex began using heroin when Chapman abandoned her. Chapman disputes Alex’s version of events and storms out. Tricia says “I thought yoga was supposed to relax you.” Hee.

Larry’s parents’ place!

Larry’s parents are maybe not going to be helpful with the deposition thing. Also Larry’s writing career is maybe not going so well. He’s late with paying his parents the rent. And now he’s fallen backwards into telling them that he’s working on an article about edging and-Oh, Shesus, no!-Larry’s mom is very, very concerned that he’s not coming. “A man needs to come,” she says, in spite of the fact that she is embarrassing the entire planet.

Oh, dear. We learn that Larry’s dad doesn’t entirely like Piper. And also that he’s an ass man.

Whoa! And that Alex definitely, specifically ratted Chapman out. Larry’s dad very smartly tells Larry not to tell Chapman and give her an enemy to obsess over in the closed prison environment. Dad says to keep Chapman focused on the outside.

Prison yard!

There’s a massive hunt for the $1,000 chicken. That either has heroin or a gun in it. Red is pissed off. And full of bizarre stereotypes.

Suddenly Chapman is full of weird motivational speeches for red. I don’t entirely know what’s happening. Or how some of the inmates got hold of a dog to chase the chicken with.

…And now everyone is on the ground with Mendez making Cool Hand Luke speeches over them. Oh, yeah: Running in the prison yard makes the guards nervous.

Guard station!

Bennett gets a note to meet… with no drawing on the back. Be careful, Bennett!

Healy’s office!

The prisoners are getting their punishments for running. Chapman, however, will not be sent down the hill. Healy says she’s new and just screwed up. And also that the chicken is fiction, “like global warming or female ejaculation.” Healy points out that there’s a triple razor wire fence around the prison, and asks Chapman to act reasonable and educated.

Dorm!

There’s an announcement saying that there is no chicken, and there never was a chicken. Everyone is mad and calling Chapman “chicken lady.” And they’re extra pissed that she wasn’t punished.

Salon!

The sister drops in. Sophia agrees to cut her hair, but isn’t happy. The Sister is cool and they reconcile pretty quickly over talk of Playboy and nipples.

Phone!

Chapman is ready for her meeting, and they’re agreed that they won’t ask their parents for any more money. Which they’ve apparently been doing a lot. Alex comes up and Larry and Chapman seem to reconcile over that until Chapman gets the idea that Alex was the one spreading chicken rumors. Man, Chapman has some rage inside.

Wow-Larry lies and says Alex didn’t name Chapman. LARRY, THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. Just say you couldn’t find out, you dingleberry! I bet that won’t ever come back to haunt anyone. Uh-oh. Now Chapman thinks she’s the bad guy in the relationship.

Secret meeting in the utility closet!

Bennett shows up and turns on the light. Whoa, Mom Diaz is there, already topless! There are way more opportunities for private sex in this prison than I thought there would be. Mom Diaz walks up to Bennett and turns the light back off.

Diaz Flashback!

All the kids are visiting Diaz’s mom, who’s taken a fall for her creepy dealer boyfriend. Do not have a drug-runner boyfriend. Mom Diaz is so busy obsessing about him that she neglects to ask how the kids are doing. Like at all.

Diaz calls her on it, and Mom accuses her of sleeping with creepy druggy boyfriend. Mom Diaz’s unconventional childrearing methods are not getting good results here.

Case in point: Diaz gets home and totally starts making out with creepy dealer boyfriend. Do not have your mom’s drug-runner boyfriend.

Phones!

Chapman is on a conference call with Useless Polly. She totally sees the chicken through the window. Chapman can either have the crucial conference call with Barney’s or the chicken. She picks chicken. She chases it (without running) through the surprisingly open, spacious, and empty prison yard… And then suddenly it’s on the other side of the fence.

OK, that was kind of a strange episode about how we’re all (except for the Sister) chasing metaphoric chickens instead of striving for inner peace and stuff. But it’s still good, so I think we should chase another episode. See you tomorrow!

In the meantime, I’ll be eating oysters, bitches!

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button