“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.8): Moscow Mule


Chapman randomly futzes with the dryer and shocks herself (again). Alex fills Chapman in on some tasty prison guard gossip: Sometimes O’Neill’s boxers end up in the visiting room guard’s laundry. They’re just starting to have some real fun when Doggett shows up to be a living wet bathing suit with sand in the crotch.

Alex offers to help with repairs, on account of knowing Myra so well and all, but Chapman declines. She doesn’t want trouble. Alex helps anyway.


Tricia has some truly terrible shakes. Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) arrives with orange juice and jokes. Tricia says at least the timing is lucky since the guards just think she has the flu. Tricia thinks no one will find out and swears she’ll get back on track. Nichols says no, that Tricia has to rat herself out on Red’s orders. Tricia is getting thrown into SHU and she’s out of the family. Harsh. Nichols walks away, hating this.

oitnb_Nichols Tricia DTs

Maria is still having a bad time. Mom Diaz tells Maria to pray the baby doesn’t turn out like Diaz. Maria says Diaz and her mom are a walking cautionary tale. And then she’s finally off to the medical van.


Alex climbs into the dryer to help fix it while Chapman holds the flashlight and reads the manual to her. Chapman goes to get more batteries and Doggett runs up and locks Alex inside. Oh, no.

Caputo’s office!

Caputo calls Mustache in to let him know about the prisoner with the DTs. He’s not happy that product is moving through his prison. Mendez weasels that it must be the prisoners smuggling stuff in and says Tricia is an isolated incident. Caputo makes it clear that he won’t be the one going down for it if a bunch of junkies get discovered inside.

Caputo and Mendez take a moment to go into a homophobic panic over whether mustaches are a gay thing now. We do, however, get the phrase “cunt-ramming awesome” out of it, so nothing is all bad.


Chapman finds Alex. She wants to go get help, but Alex knows she’ll get in trouble for helping with a repair. She begs Chapman not to leave her. And this time Chapman doesn’t.

Guard tower!

Mendez checks the list of the prison’s approved vendors. It’s a very short list, but doesn’t help him. The gate guard dreams up an awesome Vegetable People horror movie while Mustache douches around and then spots Morello driving the prison van through the gate. Gate Guard has a great time with a small but sparkling role. Rock on, Gate Guard!