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“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.12): Fool Me Once

Hallway! Night!

Chapman is starting her janitorial sentence. Oh, man. I think the opening credits spoiler something in this episode. Careful, show.

Hey, Crazy Eyes is here! Hey, Chapman, remember when your fiancé trashed her heartfelt love poem on a national radio program? Because Suzanne does. She’s cleaning the floor to cope with her messy feelings, and she’s pretty clear-eyed about that.

Chapman offers a pretty lame-ass apology. Crazy Eyes doesn’t care for it. She also notes that the upside to this whole thing is that at least she doesn’t think about trying to make Chapman love her anymore, because now she knows Chapman is a mean person.

Chapman says she isn’t mean. Crazy Eyes tells Chapman she should start mopping from the inside or else she’ll step on the clean on her way out. Chapman’s been doing a lot of stepping on the clean lately.

Alex is here! Chapman admits that midnight janitorial shifts aren’t great. Chapman catches Alex up on her drama with Larry… And also on the fact that she found out that Alex is, in fact, the person who ratted Chapman out. Speaking of relationship drama.

Alex barely blinks. She starts to talk, but then Chapman says she’s over it: “I mean, fool me once…” Chapman reiterates that she’s over it and leaves. Alex’s face suggests that she’s not trusting this version of “over it.” Good instincts, Alex.

Dining hall!

Nice Fischer sees Sister Ingalls wrap up some food and tells her she can’t take food out of the cafeteria. The Sister pleads blood sugar issues and Fischer winks it off. Caputo sees the whole thing.

Diaz and Mom Diaz are eating, or at least trying to. Mustache comes over to Diaz and whispers awkwardly “I like the shape of your ears.” Dammit show, stop making me feel sympathy for Mustache. After a kick from Mom, Diaz asks “What else do you like the shape of?” all seductively. Red watches, as disgusted as the rest of us are.

Morello is in her own world. She misses mimosas. Red says she needs Morello’s help.

Chapman’s cube!

Claudette comes in, bringing a frosty wind with her. She brushes off another of Chapman’s apologies. Lotta footprints on the clean around here. Chapman sniffles and Claudette tells her to stay clean and on her own side if she’s sick. Claudette has a big day tomorrow and won’t have Chapman ruin it — especially since that seems to be her special talent.

Laundry!

Doggett’s minion complains that she hasn’t been talking, which the opposite of most people’s complaints about Doggett. But today Doggett won’t even snap back at Alex. She’s been beaten. And worse, her trip to the Psych Ward proved to her that there is no one in Heaven looking out for her. The other inmates made her think she was special and then broke her faith. There was only one set of footprints in the clean, and they were Chapman’s. Who Doggett calls a bitch-devil.

Alex stands up for Chapman and says she put her ass on the line to get Doggett out of Psych. Doggett and her minion aren’t impressed.

Oh, wow, Doggett is in a bad place. She says there is no reward for the good and there is no one punishing the bad. She thinks we’re all just crawling around on the planet like ants until we die.

Doggett’s flashback!

Doggett’s terrible boyfriend tells her to keep her pregnancy so they can get the government benefits. He should maybe read up on how that sort of thing has been going. He’s the one who wants to be eating all the peanut butter and baby food he thinks they would get anyway. Doggett says she won’t keep it. Terrible Boyfriend mumbles “You never keep it.” I admire the fact that this show uses those sort of gut-punches as throwaway lines.

Doggett says that her cousin was pregnant in the county lockup, and after a drug test, they took the baby away and arrested her cousin for endangering a minor. Doggett won’t go to jail for a baby. Doggett’s boyfriend suggests that she just stop doing drugs and they both laugh until their nascent meth teeth fall out.

Boyfriend won’t give her a ride to the clinic.

Kitchen!

Chapman is fixing a toaster, or at least trying to. Alex brings in linens. Alex suggests a bang in the kitchen. She says she’s all excited because the truth is out and Chapman is okay with it. Alex is all over Chapman, who is really not interested in counter sex right now. Chapman keeps pawing her until Chapman admits they’re not OK, and Alex is glad she’s goaded Chapman to the point where she can finally talk about it. These two have some weird relationship skills.

Alex spells out what she did until Chapman shoves her. She admits that she loves and hates Alex at the same time. But she wants to keep herself together.

Alex figures out that Larry left Chapman — and that Chapman’s with her because she doesn’t want to be alone. Alex calls herself Chapman’s security blanket.

It’s all on the table now. Alex ratted Chapman out for the sentence reduction, and because she was still mad over Chapman leaving her. Chapman leaves.

Woods!

Larry is hanging out with Chapman’s awesome brother Cal. Call is serving Larry dandelion tea. I guess Larry told Cal everything — he’s bitching about the cheating (fair point) and cops to the radio interview as a bad move.

Cal thinks cheating is a strong word. He’s not sure if cheating on a man with a woman is really cheating. Larry wonders if Chapman is gay now, and Cal astutely points out that people don’t always fit into tidy categories. Which, really, Larry should have figured out by now if he really knew his fiancée that well.

Larry says he thinks it might be over and Cal asks to be left out of the drama, since he hates drama in general and this particular drama involves his sister. Cal gets a text and shouts a mighty yawp to the sky. He’s engaged.

Dining hall!

Morello watches Caputo put up posters the Christmas pageant. She gives a signal and Mendoza buttonholes Caputo to talk about shower fungus. Like a lot about shower fungus. She asks for Crazy Eyes to be assigned to the Hispanic shower section, because Crazy Eyes keeps things really clean. Morello takes a signal from Murphy — a very inconspicuous and well chosen owl noise — and passes it on to Mendoza, who abruptly drops the fungus complaint and walks away.

Morello intercepts Caputo and says she heard a woman crying in the utility closet. And since they just had an inconvenient suicide, Morello thinks it would be a bad thing to ignore. Caputo is pissed and wants to get home to his Wild Turkey, but bites.

Mustache is banging a seriously bored Diaz. Caputo walks in. He will not be getting home to his Wild Turkey.

Chapman’s Cube!

Claudette is cheerful. She’s going to find out about her case this afternoon. Chapman has some nail polish for Miss Claudette to use. She paints her nails for her. Claudette’s only real post-prison plans are to be with Baptiste and to eat dinner at 7:00 like a person. As Chapman keeps painting her nails, Claudette softens a tiny bit.

Hallway!

Watson sees that yoga is canceled today. And probably tomorrow.

Caputo’s office!

Figueroa the Assistant Warden Who Never Helps is eighteen kinds of pissed off. Caputo says it was an isolated situation. Figueroa is skeptical. And she does not want the word rape used. At all. Caputo points out that since Diaz is a prisoner, she can’t give consent to a CO. Figueroa says they’re not putting rape on the record and Mustache takes leave without pay. Caputo is pissed.

Prison yard!

Bennett comes up to ask if Diaz is OK. She tells him what happened and for some reason he isn’t thrilled to hear that she framed Mustache as a sex offender by deliberately sleeping with him. Diaz is pissed that Mustache didn’t get fired. And explains to Bennett that she did this for him. Bennett asks “Who are you?” and walks away. Visiting room!

Doggett is meeting with a besuited gentleman who likes to quote Scripture and dislikes liberals. Doggett says she’s still getting her head right after all the meds they gave her. And she also mentions that Jesus let her be humiliated and get thrown into the Psych Ward, so either he doesn’t exist or is a total prick.

The Besuited Man says people who are reviled and persecuted for Jesus’s sake are blessed. Wow, Doggett is really focusing on Chapman for this one, and isn’t feeling the forgiveness. The visitor tells Doggett that she’s a special chosen hero, and that her job is to forgive the obviously damaged Chapman. And then he asks Doggett to remember how she herself has been forgiven.

It’s good advice, but I feel like we’re riding a fine line between counseling and manipulation.

Doggett’s flashback!

Doggett pulls an IV out of her own arm and gets up to leave the abortion clinic. A nurse snaps “Number five, huh? We should give you a punch card: Get the sixth one free.”

Doggett walks out past anti-choice protesters to a waiting pickup truck and grabs a gun out of it. She says “she disrespected me,” and marches straight back into the clinic. We hear a shot.

So Doggett the pro-life hero is really just a murderer with an impulse control problem. When did she start believing her own hype? Caputo’s office

Fischer the nice guard is there. Caputo explains that he’s now short one guard a week before the Christmas Pageant, which apparently makes all the inmates extra nuts. Caputo tells her not to get in trouble the way Mustache did. They bond for a moment over how not-gay Fischer is, then Caputo explains that he really means she shouldn’t be going easy on anyone. Like letting Sister Ingalls take food out of the cafeteria. Caputo claims the Sister a guy. (Is it wrong that I kind of want the Sister to have killed a guy? OK, yes. But still.) Caputo tells Fischer to get on her game and, essentially, be more of a hard-ass jerk. Caputo offers to mentor. Fischer says she might use a deeper voice. Hee.

Caputo says it’s best to call the women “Inmate” instead of using their names to remind them that they aren’t really people. Fischer objects that they are people. Nope, says Caputo, they’re sheep. Then he reminds Fischer that she’s a woman and he’s a man. Bleargh.

Prison yard!

Mustache walks out. Red is unloading her produce. Mustache pauses to wonder and she gives him a wink. Yup.

Cal’s trailer!

Cal’s fiancée finds processed meat and flips way out. She wants to hunt responsibly for all their fresh, unprocessed meat. She says if he won’t commit to their lifestyle, Cal might as well be a pot-smoking, fat Bon Iver. Ouch. Cal argues back. Fiancée yells that they’re fundamentally different people and squalls out.

Larry says that was awkward and that he hates to see them on the rocks. Cal says that was foreplay: He grew up in a WASP repressionland and this open fighting about absolutely everything they think is the best. And yes, Cal is committed to that relationship.

Rec area!

Watson comes in to fix the video player. Watson asks about the canceled classes. Yoga Jones says she’s taking a little break since she hit Watson. “You can only take so much Zen, you know? Sometimes you want to feel something.”

Yoga Jones, you will be shocked to learn, used to grow pot. Though she herself was more of an alcoholic. The weed paid her rent until the deer came. She couldn’t keep it out with fences or fox pee or anything. Yoga finally waited up all night to shoot the deer… and shot the neighbor’s eight-year-old kid by mistake. Fischer comes in to enforce the no-socializing-during-work-hours rule and immediately ducks back out with an apology. Thanks for staying human, Fischer. Keep it up.

Another part of the rec area!

Pousséy and Cindy are talking Kwanzaa and Doggett watches them joke about how they aren’t sure what it is, but want the time off work. Doggett walks up to Chapman, who is learning to crochet. Doggett asks for a word. Chapman joins her at a table.

Doggett talks about the hate in her heart. She accurately points out that Chapman is no hero for saving her from Psych when Chapman got her tossed in there in the first place, but conveniently brushes off the part where she herself got Chapman tossed into the SHU.

Doggett says that Chapman turned the only thing that kept her going in prison into a joke. She asks Chapman what she believes in. Chapman goes into some academic dithering about secular humanism. Doggett says that she doesn’t have any cars or nice dinners, just Jesus. She says that once Chapman stops fighting and gets right with (her version of) God, she’ll see that this was all His plan.

Doggett wants Chapman to get on board with Doggett’s spiritual prescription. Why does Doggett’s inner spiritual process have to do with forcing Chapman to behave the way she wants? And, really, why is Chapman going along with this? What good does fake praying do, especially when faking religious sincerity is what got her into this?

Chapman slides from fake praying to Jesus to essentially praying to Doggett for forgiveness. Doggett smiles. Sweet music plays. Oh, harrumph. Doggett hugs Chapman and walks away, noting that a baptism would be nice. Sister Ingalls says Chapman maybe could have worked in the Blessed Virgin Mary to cover her bases, but that’s really a personal preference.

Bar!

Bennett drinks with Mustache. Mustache says he thinks he and Diaz are in love. Oh, Mustache. Bennett refuses to carry a message to Diaz and advises Mustache to find a girl on the outside he can be with.

Mustache says he’s going to do Bennett a solid and tells him about the next drug shipment coming in with the produce. Mustache lies that Red is dealing, and says Caputo will be grateful if Bennett brings him the box. It’ll be Bennett’s win. Mustache also asks him again to carry the note to Diaz. It says “Wait for me.” Bennett is having a challenging day.

Alex’s cube!

Chapman is in a confessy kind of mood. She says that yes, Larry left her, and that she’s an emotionally manipulative narcissist who bailed on Alex when her mother died. Alex counter-confesses that she’s a ruthless pragmatist who sold Chapman out and lied about it. Chapman says it’s a relief. And that she’s ruined her life for Alex twice now. So what happens when they get out? Alex notes that her job skills and experience are mostly centered around heroin. She’s also not planning anything right now. Alex sells that being with her is about not knowing what’s going to happen next.

Nichols walks in (Hi, Nichols!) and makes fun of their schmoopiness. She alerts Alex and Chapman to the fact that Miss Claudette’s appeal didn’t go through and no one knows where she is. Oh, no.

Hallway!

Miss Claudette’s hopes are dashed. Newly Authoritative Fischer, in her deep voice, hassles “Inmate” about her badge and her non-regulation nail polish. Miss Claudette gives Fischer about two seconds to realize that this is a bad idea, then steps forward and just cold starts strangling her.

O’Neill and the gate guard rush up and cuff her. O’Neill yells that she’s headed to maximum security. Claudette says it doesn’t matter.

A new inmate in orange walks up to ask what everyone’s looking at. It’s Taystee!

Chapman’s cube!

Little Boo is in the next bunk! Cindy and Big Boo are taking Miss Claudette’s stuff. They explain that she’s never coming back. Boo takes Claudette’s stew pot and Cindy starts a special relationship with a picture of Denzel Washington. Speaking of forgiveness, Cindy tells the picture that The Book of Eli never happened.

Chapman claims Miss Claudette’s blanket even though Big Boo wants it. She makes a good case. Big Boo jokingly orders Little Boo to kill, but Little Boo is more of a lover. Chapman gets the blanket.

Library!

Taystee is back to shelving. Pousséy asks what happened. Taystee explains that she couldn’t take all the hoops she had to jump through: drug tests, applying for jobs she knows she won’t get, probation checkups, and curfews. She says at least in jail, you get dinner. Pousséy gives Taystee a Head Whack of Wise the Hell Up and says Taystee had better not be back because freedom was inconvenient. Taystee tells her about her real problems: Minimum wage is a joke, she still owed the prison money for fees (!!!), and she had nowhere to go. At least she knows what to do in prison. And she has Pousséy. Chapel!

Watson hands Yoga Jones a nail she found. It could send them both to SHU if they get caught with it. Yoga Jones asks what kind of voltage they’re talking about. No. Way.

Watson says it’s fine if Yoga Jones just wants to go back to their regular lives. She doesn’t. She sticks the nail straight into the electrical socket. For just a second, Jones seems dead. But instead she seems to have been repolarized and maybe rearranged a little. She needed that. She hands the nail to Watson.

Hallway!

Chapman takes a baby picture out of an envelope. Doggett asks Chapman if she’s ready for the baptism. SEE, Chapman?! Chapman harumbles that it’s Visitation Day and maybe Larry will show up blah blah has to wash her hair blah blah thinks she saw a mythical Superchicken this morning blah blah traffic was terrible.

Doggett says yes, she was serious about the baptism and it only takes a few minutes. And Heaven is forever! For real: Is “forcing people to conform to your personal standards of good” the same thing as “forgiveness” nowadays? I’ve just got to invest in a new dictionary.

The lights flicker, I’m guessing due to Jones and Watson’s new Fully Rigid Savasana pose that they’re working on, but someone takes it as a sign that Jesus has moved back over to Team Doggett.

Doggett’s Flashback!

Besuited Guy from the Visiting Room introduces himself as Doggett’s new lawyer, sent by a Christian legal team and already paid for. He says he’ll make sure she’ll do less time, present her as a defender of babies, and give her family a stipend. He opens the courtroom door to show Doggett her new friends, who all showed up to cheer her murder. To them, she’s a hero. Doggett gets the first taste of her own hype.

Hallway!

Oh, for crying out loud, Chapman agrees to a baptism. No learning curve whatsoever.

Caputo’s office!

Caputo is, in fact, thrilled with Bennett’s bust. (No, no: His drug bust.) Caputo says he’ll remember Bennett when it’s time to promote someone and exults that Red is finally going down. Caputo kisses Bennett in a manly, non-gay fashion of rejoicing. Healy’s office!

Red is mediating. Healy’s wife does not wish to watch any more Storage Wars and would like some excitement. Red tells Healy to take her out more and clip those toenails. She tells Healy’s wife that she has a man with a government job, so quit being an idiot.

Bennett requests Red’s presence in Caputo’s office. She knows it’s because of Mustache and tells Healy to take care of her girls. Healy and his wife call after Red. As do we all.

Laundry!

Doggett brings Chapman the Lost Sheep in. She gets ready to dunk Chapman in a nastyish sink and Chapman finally does what she should have done 45 minutes ago, which is politely say no thank you and take ownership of her different, totally valid set of beliefs. Though she maybe goes a little far in declaring what she thinks is bullshit. Doggett says she tried to be friends; Chapman says she hopes Jesus makes Doggett very happy. She leaves.

Prison exit!

Figueroa takes a phone call. Whoopsie, it wasn’t just the inmates who listened to Larry’s interview. So did a newspaper reporter. Who is very interested in the shutdown of the track and the GED program and the switching out of medications to generics. The reporter looked up a few things and noticed that the prison budget has actually been increased by $2.3 million over the last few years. So, since Figueroa is in charge of day-to-day operations, where did all that money go?

Figueroa quickly hangs up and gets into her new Mercedes.

Visitors’ room!

Larry is there. He wants to get through this awful time as husband and wife, like right now, or he wants to break up. Care for an ultimatum, Piper?

Laundry!

Oh, hell. Doggett says Chapman disrespected her. So now Doggett has to kill her.

Oh, man, I am tenser than Yoga Jones. See you tomorrow!

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