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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.06): I threw my coffee for you

On this episode of Hoarders… You know, I resisted that show for years and years and years and then one bored Friday night I ran upon a marathon and, BOOM, hooked. As horrifying as it is to watch the depth of filth that can consume humanity, I always feel delightfully superior about the cleanliness and lack of skeletal cat remains at my own place. Oh, and there are also no recently bludgeoned-to-death bodies in my basement. So there’s that. In a non-hoarder and seldom-used apartment elsewhere in Boston, Maura bursts impatiently through the front door. Not bothering to knock on account of having each other’s keys and basically living with each other already is kind of their thing, in case you hadn’t noticed.

Maura tells Jane to hurry it up, they’ve already had sex 1,200 times this morning and now they’re running late. That’s what I heard and you can’t convince me otherwise. A still disheveled Jane comes in, cranky about not getting a shower first. Sure, you’ll be sweaty all day, but you’ll also smell like her all day. So sometimes skipping that post-coital shower has its perks — am I right, ladies? Jane’s building manager waltzes into her apartment without knocking as they’re about to leave. Who does he think he is, Maura? Jane grills him on her lack of running water for the past two days and — most important — lack of ability to make coffee. Though, on the plus side, she has delicious molasses for her pancakes.

Manager Gil makes sure to get a good long look at Jane’s boobs as he walks past. You can’t really blame the man. Maura agrees and says 47 percent of men stare at women’s breasts during a conversation. But it’s also a fact that 100 percent of Mauras stare at Jane’s breasts all the time. See kids, statistics can be fun. Tommy comes in next, because it’s Everyone Burst Into Jane’s Apartment Day. My theory is they all know she’s already always at Maura’s house. So why even bother knocking. He has returned with Jo Friday and a bag of poo. So thoughtful. I like to bring flowers and wine when I visit, but now I’m really reconsidering my host gift options. To prove the numbers from before, he stares intently at Maura’s ladies. Though, to be fair, it would be disrespectful not to pay homage to the Rack of God while in its presence.

Maura takes Jane to a cafe so Det. Grumpy Bear can finally get her coffee. Alas the sweet elixir of life continues to prove elusive to Jane as customer after customer receive their orders before her. Some lady in dark-rimmed glasses (who, it should be noted, also got her order before Jane) tries to hit on Maura at the milk-and-sugar bar. Look, lady, trying to bond over leaf-based sugar substitutes won’t work. You’ve seen Det. Jane Rizzoli, right? Jane finally gets her coffee and is blocked from the sugar by Wannbe Alex Vause (Look, I know Alex Vause. Alex Vause is a friend of mine. Honey, you are no Alex Vause). She then becomes the 7 millionth person in the episode to call Jane some variation of impatient/cranky/rude. And then she proceeds to be impatient/cranky/rude by continuing to block the milk-and-sugar bar. As they finally cross paths they bump into each other sending Jane’s coffee onto her chest. Or did she throw her coffee on purpose? I mean, Wannabe was flirting with Maura earlier. Wannabe Alex Vause accuses Jane of doing it on purpose and being a terrible person who stomps on puppies and scalds kitties for kicks. Jane apologizes profusely and pats the woman’s chest with paper towels. For the record, this is exactly the face you should make after Jane touches your boobies.

The previously slow barista is at the woman’s side in an instant and makes sure to call Jane a “bitch” for good measure as Jane and Maura leave. But poor Jane still hasn’t had her coffee yet, so Maura gives her hers because she is the best girlfriend in the universe.

At the crime scene, an elderly man has barricaded himself in his house with what officers believe is a dead body. Frost and Frankie are on the scene first because it’s been a while since we’ve had a cute Frostie scene. They pretend to bro it up about a hot new rookie cop. But Officer Britney Spears is not fooled. She’s all, “Oops!…You Did It Again” acting like you’re into girls. “(You Drive Me) Crazy” by not coming out. Too much? I was really stretching there. Jane and Maura arrive just in time for the old man to come out brandishing a shotgun. He fires, which in any real-world scenario would lead police to pump him full of a kajillion bullets. But Jane notices white smoke and deploys the Pointy Finger of Righteous Justice, telling everyone to stand down because the man is clearly shooting blanks.

Then Jane, Maura and Korsak go up to him and talk the old codger down. In the basement they find the bludgeoned to death body of a garbage man who was friends with the old guy. They search for the murder weapon but find everything else under the sun instead. Crock pot, 8-track player, Flowbee, rocket rockets, strap-on harnesses. Damn, did I get this confused with Jane’s basement again? Back at the Division One CafĂ©, Tommy is showing Mama Rizzoli the latest YouTube sensation. It’s titled Mean Detective Jane and shows her, literal, run-in with Wannabe Alex Vause from earlier that day. Tommy thinks it’s awesome because now she’ll be Internet Famous and they’ll be rich, rich I tell you. How’d that work out for Chris Crocker, Star Wars Kid and Keyboard Cat?

Old Man Hoarder is being interrogated and says he’ll only talk to “The Nice Lady.” Jane’s all, “I got this.” But then he yells, “No, you took away my Second Amendment rights, you liberal bleeding-heart communist. I meant the nice doctor lady with the great legs.” So Maura comes in to complete the interview because I’m sure Medical Examiners do that all the time in real life. This is, like, a documentary — right? Jane Cyrano de Bergeracs Maura with the questions during the interview. But Maura insists on talking back to her ear mic, which is cute but also stupid. Isn’t she supposed to be a genius? Don’t talk to the imaginary voices in your head in front of a man who hears actual imaginary voices in his head. He tells Maura all about “Them” who have been spying and stealing from him. Wait, I think they have the wrong interrogator for this case. Is Mulder available?

Back in Old Man Hoarder’s basement Officer Britney Spears is helping with the search. But she takes the time to tell that, “You two pretending to be into me is so ‘Toxic.'” It’s like I can’t help myself. They’re pretending to check out Officer Brit-Brit’s ass. Looks like it’s time to go over that Sexual Harassment manual again in the Boston Homicide Unit. Frost calls her not Frankie’s type, because he’d know. Oh you two, stop having more cute moments than Jane and Maura this episode. Just then Red Herring No. 1 walks in carrying lemonade. It’s the too-interested next-door-neighbor offering refreshments and talking about items Old Man Hoarder supposedly borrowed that he now wants back. Hey, I’m no police procedure expert, but shouldn’t someone be posted outside the house to prevent people from walking directly into crime scenes?

The duo Skypes in to Maura’s office to ostensibly talk about the murder weapon but really to debut Frostie’s Toy Theater. The pair reenact Jane’s coffee encounter from the morning. See what I said about them having cute moments? Jane and Maura, step it up. Jane and Maura are like, how the hell? But then Frost and Frankie assure them the answer is on YouTube. And thus the Mean Detective Jane viral video is uncovered. It’s an edited clip complete with instant replays and lip dubs. I mean, it’s no kitten falling asleep video, but I might click on that on a slow afternoon. Jane is outraged The Internets put words in her mouth and Maura gives her a comforting shoulder rub. Finally, some Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching. I was starting to worry they’d forgotten how. She also gives Jane excellent Concerned Girlfriend Eye Sex. Look out, Frostie, Rizzles is finally coming for you. Mama Rizzoli is also concerned and brings Jane a half-eaten “It’s a Girl” cake. Jane’s excited about her unexpected pregnancy. Um, Mama R, did you never properly have the birds-and-bees talk with your daughter. Maura can’t physically get Jane pregnant. Well, not without a turkey baster, at least.

Still in the basement, Frankie and Frost find an Electro-Magnetic Pulse blaster and decide to test it out. They promptly fry Officer Britney Spears’ cruiser radio and then act all, “Who me?” about it. You two, I swear. Get your own show. Jane meets up with Old Man Hoarder in the lobby and asks him to catalogue what is missing. She says they’ll work to get his stuff back to him, and he apologizes to her. He says he thought she wasn’t the nice lady, but really she is. Maura sees this, her eyes instantly soften and fill with big love for her lady. And she also surreptitiously films the scene. Man, she’s good at secret videoing, I now want to scroll through her camera roll to see what other videos of Jane she took on the sly. Ahem.

Lt. Cavanaugh breaks up the love fest, and sternly calls Jane into his office. Guess there was no reprimand for attempting to murder a suspect while he was in police custody then. But you’d better believe he comes down hard on Jane saying they need to investigate her. The woman has filed a police brutality complaint against Jane. She’s also posted a new mash-up of Mean Detective Jane. Really, Autotune? Even Jane knows that’s overdone. Jane and Maura walk about to Jane’s place. See, mixing it up — just because Maura has the nice house doesn’t mean they always have to spend the night there. Jane laments her new Internet fame and Maura assures her its 79,000 hits are probably all Europeans. But then neighbors run from her and joggers taunt her on the street. Sure, the Boston metro area has 4.5 million people but two of the 79,000 watchers just happen to be on Jane’s block.

Things go from bad to Tommy Rizzoli inside as he’s still on Jane’s couch and drinking one of her Blue Moons (Side Note: In March MillerCoors, which makes Blue Moon, inked an exclusive deal with TNT/TBS to show its products. So much for Jane’s taste in beer. Sigh.) Tommy gets excited when the local news comes on, because he’s on it. And he’s talking about how mean Jane was as a kid and would beat up all the other kids. The Idiot Rizzoli strikes again. Take back your key, Jane.

But things couldn’t possibly get worse, right? Oh, shit, is that a hole in Jane’s wall? And her water still doesn’t work? And she just got served lawsuit papers from Wannabe Alex Vause? You know, there’s only one solution for such a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. It’s a nice hot shower with Dr. Maura Isles.

Mama Rizzoli tells Korsak that’s exactly what Jane is doing when he arrives at the Isles Estates to look over the lawsuit papers. Wannabe Alex Vause is asking for $500,000 in damages. Mama R is worried Jane will have to sell her condo. Oh, come on, you know she’d love it if Jane sold her place and finally moved in with Maura. Both daughters under one roof? It’s like mom heaven. She toasts to that future with Korsak, but just to not seem over-eager sets up a collection for Jane’s legal defense fund, too. After their nice hot — so hot — shower, Jane does some post-coital stretching. Remember, a proper cool-down ritual is vital to avoid cramping. Jane is stretched over an exercise ball while wearing a tank top. Thank you, Rizzoli & Isles crew, thank you so much. Maura walks into the yoga room in her silky pajamas and appreciates the view. Jane tells her her back hurts. See, everyone thinks shower sex is going to be so amazing but half the time it’s someone freezing just outside of the water’s reach and the other half it’s someone slipping while trying to gain needed traction. Not that that’s ever happened to me. Moving on. Jane tells her girlfriend to take a deep, cleansing breath and focus on their trip to Poontown. See, doesn’t everything seem better?

Jane said she’d like to focus, but Maura keeps vibrating. See, you are remembering, Jane. Unfortunately, this time the good vibrations are just Senior Criminalist Susie Chang. Crotchblocking via text now, I see. Back on the case, someone tried to break into Old Man Hoarder’s basement overnight. The detectives suspect whoever murdered the garbage man was after something in his basement. But what? Probably not the coffee machine that made the coffee that is now in the four coffee cups on Jane’s desk marked “Jane,” “Toss @ Stranger,” “(Wannabe Alex Vause)” and Maura. See, now everyone in the department knows Jane will throw her coffee for Maura. That’s even better than pie. Frost and Frankie find one of hockey great Bobby Orr’s skates in Old Man Hoarder’s basement, and follow the logic back to the nosey neighbor. I mean, real men don’t bring other real men lemonade for no reason, apparently. They bring him in and he admits to the stealing but not the killing. Because there are still like 15 minutes left, plenty of time to find the real killer and still have a cute #gayzzoli ending.

Cavanaugh finds Jane with a good news/bad news scenario. Good news, she is no longer being investigated because the incident happened one minute before Jane was on the clock. Bad news, she will have to pay for her legal defense by herself now. Being The Best Girlfriend Ever, Maura checks with her attorney to see what Jane’s legal options are, offers to pay his $25,000 retainer and gives her another round of Concerned Girlfriend Eye Sex complete with TGTG hand holding. Jane frets she’ll have to sell her condo to pay her legal fees. So close to them moving in, so close. But then she notices something in the viral video. The fabric from Wannabe Alex Vause’s blouse is wicking away the spilled coffee. So she was protected from the hot coffee and set Jane up. Better yet, they notice a fingerprint on the lens. This is exactly why criminals should never upload their videos at 1080p.

Frost meanwhile has tracked down the patent on the object with the same pattern as the garbage man’s wounds. It was a rotor blade for a drone, probably used in corporate espionage. Unmanned drones! Corporate spying! Coffee throwing! This episode really has everything. Plot stuff, plot stuff, plot stuff. Long story short a rival company’s head was trying to retrieve his drone technology from Old Man Hoarder, who shot it down with his EMP, when he was caught so he killed the garbage man. Now he’s back in the basement and is threatening the old man instead. But Det. Jane Rizzoli is there to save the day. Rest assured, no hoarders were harmed in the making of this episode.

They also uncover the videographer from his fingerprint, and it turns out to be the pervy building manager. Jane and Maura arrive at her condo only to find perv and Wannabe Alex Vause measuring the cabinets and testing out color swatches. Looks like she’s going to prison after all. Not to wish harm upon another person, but I wouldn’t mind if they bunked her with Pennsatucky. You know, from this angle Wannabe Alex Vause also looks a little like Fake Megan Mullally. But the Orange Is the New Black references work better, so I’m sticking with it. Case solved, viral video hoaxers arrested, Jane and Maura are together — all is pretty much right with the world. Maura brings Jane’s laptop over (sharing passwords, I see) to show her another video. This one, titled “Kind Detective Jane,” shows Jane being kind to Old Man Hoarder. Jane’s eyes soften, but then she notes it is far from viral with only 11 hits. Just wait until the fangirls in Europe get their hands on it, honey.

Maura thinks maybe they should overlay some music. Jane suggests dubbing in “B-b-b-b-bitch” and Maura eagerly offers to rap. She then demonstrates her mad beatbox skills. You guys, Maura rapping. You guys. Jane calls it spitting and gives her adorable girlfriend a napkin. See, no wonder Jane threw her coffee for her.

And now for your coffee-fueled #Gayzzoli tweets of the week.

                 

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