Archive

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.11): The treaty

Restaurant

Teresa taunts Jacqueline, Jacqueline purses her lips and tries to be polite. “When have I hurt you?” asks Teresa, clearly baffled because she has literally never upset anyone in her life. “One thing that bothered me was when you said ‘Instead of Twitter, why doesn’t she worry about her son?'” A way harsh remark because Jacqueline’s son is autistic. Teresa knows she’s beat when Jacqueline starts crying. Teresa visibly softens and reminisces about their old friendship with a shred of humanity-ish. “I was upset, yeah,” Teresa concedes. “I was blaming you because I didn’t talk to my brother.” With that the two warring factions agree to a peace treaty of sort, a cease fire based on mutual civility. I’m surprised neither woman suggestions sealing the deal in blood.

Jacqueline: I hope we’re at a good place.

Teresa: I’ve been at a good place, I hope you’re at a good place.

Jacqueline: I’m at a good place.

There is a place that is good that both Jacqueline and Teresa are at.

blk Headquarters

blk is in large, steel letters emblazoned upon a black wall in the Manzo boys’ nefarious lair. A cavernous, empty office connects to a long, imperious looking table where very important businessmen do very important business work. blk is their brand of bottled water. For a business that, according the Golden Albie, has yet to turn a profit, blk is housed in some swanky digs. Where on earth could the funding have come from? Perhaps it just sprang in piles from the sweat on Golden Abie’s furrowed brow.

Chris visits the Manzo duo to discuss big news-an upscale athletic class has decided to exclusively provide students with blk water. What a coup for blk water, not to be confused with BLACKWATER. blk water is bottled water from the boys of the women from the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Blackwater is a private mercenary company run by neocons that is the largest private security company employed by the U.S. Government. Blackwater is notorious for providing fighters-for-hire to the Iraqi and Afghan wars that suffered scandal involving underage prostitution, rape, murder, torture, etc. Nice guys, really. Just like the Manzo boys.

Teresa’s House

Giudice spawn frolic with nerf guns as Gia prepares to spend the day with her semi-estranged Godfather & Uncle Joe Gorga. While the littles play, the older Giudice girls (oldest being 12-year-old Gia) are in the bathroom, applying makeup and wearing matching hot pink hoodies. It’s a very Reviving Ophelia moment, like many moments for the Giudice girls. Joe Gorga arrives and sweeps Gia of for a day of family bonding vis-a-vis Go Cart racing.

Lingerie Store

Housewives like to remind viewers that they are still sexxxxy, which is why every season for every RH franchise there are at least two scenes of lingerie shopping. (Prove me wrong. I dare you.)

Kathy and Jacqueline browse bras and discuss Jacqueline’s new peace treaty with Teresa. They’re looking for workout gear to wear to Teresa’s upcoming “Zumba Charity Event” which sounds like a hellish ordeal if I ever heard one. Jacqueline has some big news-she’s getting plastic surgery! A tummy tuck and neck lift to be specific. Kathy is like “Sure, whatever makes you happy” because lord knows Kathy loves her some augmentation. Even more exciting: Jacqueline will be getting work done in Beverly Hills! Going back to CALI CALI.

Racing Arena

Gia and Joe G enter a surprisingly intense go kart arena, pop on some chrome helmets, and get into two bright yellow bumper cars on steroids. Gia, at 12, is all like “Ew whatever” and Joe G, at God knows how old, screeches around gleefully shouting, “I am the champion.” It’s a nice moment.

Afterwards the two sit down for a nice chat. Gia is wearing a studded leather jacket and swishing around pin straight hair en vogue for middle school queens around the nation. Gia starts in on the hard hard questions right away, interrogating Joe Gorga about his relationship with Gia’s mother. “Didn’t you realize that when you were going tit-for-tat with mom, it was affecting everyone?” she berates. “People change. Things happen,” Joe Gorga says, guiltily. He’s in a tough spot because it’s not like he can talk shit about Teresa to her daughter, and all her daughter knows is he is the bad guy. This awkward conversation continues for a while as Gia reminds Joe Gorga of the infamous christening when he and Teresa had the biggest blow up. Gia reminds him how she had tried to pull Teresa and him apart, and the screen flashes back to a much younger Gia begging her mother and uncle to stop fighting. Then we return to present day, with a smirking tween in the place of that sad little girl.

Teresa’s House

The Giudices are up and prepping for a day of charity and ZUMBA YAY. One by one, the other housewives trickle in with their children in tow. They are all wearing unattractive neon and black spandex workout gear. Rich, in particular, looks like a creepy banana. Kathy and Teresa’s children sniff each other out as the two clans haven’t met in quite some time. Rosie the lesbian arrives, sans pageboy cap! Clearly she is growing.

Rosie and the boys begin drinking red wine before exercise. That is something we have in common. Jacqueline and Chris turn up, awkwardly entering the McMansion of Jacqueline former BFF/former nemesis/ current reluctant ally. It’s a scene very reminiscent of court life. An enormous bus arrives because these people only travel in enormous black buses when there’s too many to fit in an enormous SUV. The family bus has a stripper pole, so that’s a little something for the kids to enjoy.

Massive Bus

Teresa, being Teresa, cannot let a nice moment go unsullied. “Remember the other night when Jacqueline called me a sociopath?!’ she chirps gleefully. Everyone winces. “Can you define that word?” Teresa continues, oblivious everyone’s polite horror at her lack of tact. It’s just a ridiculous thing to ask, mostly because most of the adults on that bus/in the world know what sociopath means and have probably called Teresa worse. It’s like saying “Do you remember when that person said I was a pedophile? What does that even mean guys, LOL.”

“Google it,” Jacqueline responds shortly. She does not want to get in on this shit load.

So Teresa uses the voice capabilities of her smartvoice to audibly google the definition of sociopath. She reads it aloud while cackling. Everyone else waits for the moment to end. Things were just about to get awkward (JK they were already awkward) when Juicy J comes to the rescue with signature style and social skill. “Enough of that shit,” Juicy J gurgles authoritatively. “Melissa could you do the pole one time?” Melissa laughs and shrugs the comment off with polite loathing. And then something horrific happens. Milania, Teresa’s young daughter, begins climbing the pole while singing, “I’m Melissa, I’m on the pole” in a sweet sing song. Everyone laughs with polite misery and the bus clanks into it’s destination.

Zumba Charity Event

Teresa is working with a kidney charity because she cares about children obvi, and everyone is there to support her great kindness and giving spirit. The event takes place in a hall filled with brunettes wearing brightly colored spandex, so our heroes and heroines fit in nicely.

Joe and Joe appear to take shots of red wine. They’re ready to work it.

Everyone shuffles to a peppy beat in odd synchronicity. It’s bizarre seeing people who were physically brawling just last week now joined in dance. Jacqueline and Teresa talk more and fake hug, each professing affection-ish to the other with varying degrees of insincerity.

Massive Bus

More red wine! More talk of name calling! More laughter! I guess the gang had a nice day. Juicy J makes a toast: “Here’s to the sociopaths, the idiots, the scumbags, the horsey faces, and to Josephine.” A fine orator, that Juicy J. A modern Cicero.

Caroline’s House

Adults arrive in sparkly finery to bid a fond farewell to Greg, Albie and the other son’s roommate. He is moving to San Francisco. “I dream of leaving New Jersey all the time, but I would never actually do it,” laments the lesser Manzo boy. Caroline is sad and muttering about grabbing brass rings, which is doubtlessly a deep metaphor we are too simple to grasp. She gives Greg a going away gift-a silver platter/hanging etched with “Take care of each other,” because there’s nothing a young single man in San Fran needs like decorative silver plaques. Jacqueline tells everyone she’s leaving for Cali for surgery and they’re all like “Whatevs, Jacqueline.”

Beverly Hills Neo Surgery Center

Who is lying in wait for Jacqueline but Ashley, Jacqueline prodigal daughter from hell. Ashley hated school and working so she made Jacqueline’s life miserable until Jacqueline stopped supporting awful Ashley and let her go to asshole mecca, Los Angeles. Ashley is one of the priviledged girls who are attractive enough to believe they are entitled to anything and everything, including stardom. At least, that was Ashley last time we saw her. Jacqueline says they have a better mother and daughter relationship not that Ashley is far, far away. Ugh. I live in the same city as Ashley. So what has Ashley been up to in Cali? ‘Since I’ve been out in LA, the thing I’ve been doing is blogging for a website called Buzznet”. Oh. My. God. Ashley and I are both LA-based and write for blogs. I’m going to kill myself. This changes everything. I am not Ashley. I cannot be Ashley. Please no, why, why must everything be taken from me?

The plastic surgeon examines Jacqueline stomach and neck, grabbing bits he plants to saw off. After the consult, Jacqueline, Ashley, and Jacqueline’s parents go to a tacky bar/restaurant on Hollywood Boulevard. Jacqueline takes tequila shots and eats a taco salad because she wants us to know how fun she is, and Ashley declines to drink because she wants to know how sophisticated she is. Ugh. Ashley is the worst. The next day they return, and Jacqueline bops under the knife for a quick cut and paste. During surgery, the Dr. creepily compares Jacqueline’s body to her “hot” daughter Ashley’s body. That’s beyond dysfunctional. We see a gross close up of chunks of Jacqueline’s severed flesh. The bottom of each is coated with yellow fat, and one has an entire tattoo on it. “She’ll be glad to be rid of that” the surgeon mutters “I could have done a better job.” Lovely man.

In the waiting room, Jacqueline’s parents and daughter wait with assumed gravity. Anything could go wrong in an operation they keep repeating. Ashley dabbs her dry eyes and adds a nice little quaver to her voice that she must have picked up in improv. Finally, the douchey surgeon emerges. “She did great,” he declares, basking in his blessed God complex. “Hurrah” shout the family, and they press unto Jacqueline’s side, anxious to see what monster has been made of their beloved Jacqueline.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button