“Mistresses” recap (1.13): Worst Birthday Ever

The reason Sam found no one at home is because Elizabeth is paying Karen a visit. She tries to play nice, but sounds scarily calm. Karen slowly starts to realize that she is in an unsafe situation, and in true Bad Decision Maker form, tries to run upstairs, making up a lie about her cell phone being up there. When her phone rings in her purse, she makes a move to answer it, but Elizabeth whips out her gun and stops her in her tracks.

April is the first to arrive at the hospital, and she’s beating up a coffee vending machine when Harry shows up. She tells him that she doesn’t know anything since she’s not family. Joss shows up next, and Harry tells her that they should probably call Dom in, too. Joss looks at him, confused, and he tells her that Dom’s the baby’s father.

Joss is outside crying when Harry comes by to try to comfort his baby sister-in-law. He offers her a cigarette and she adorably throws them away. Joss blames herself. If she had told her the night before about the paternity test, she wouldn’t have disappeared. She starts to rapidly descend into a spiral of sadness at the thought of having to go on without her sister, the only consistent and unconditional love she’s ever known. Harry tells her that everything is going to be OK—Savi and Joss will both get through this.


Dom comes running up just then, and Harry takes the high road instead of the mopey one for once and tells him to go to the fourth floor.

Karen is still being held at gunpoint in her own apartment and trying to talk her way out of it. She offers Elizabeth a drink, and she decides that she’d love a pre-murder cocktail. Karen sneaks her phone out while she rifles through the liquor cabinet and dials 911. She tells Elizabeth she only has vodka and asks how she likes it and Elizabeth replies, “In my hand.” (Stealing that.)

At the hospital, the doctors tell the growing crowd in the waiting room that Savi is awake, so Joss goes in to see her. She tells her that everyone is there, including Harry. Savi assumes that since Harry read the results and still came, that he must be the father. But when Harry comes in to see her, he quickly clears that up. She seems confused as to why he came and he tells her that he realizes now what a whiney baby kangaroo he had been and that he doesn’t care about that, all he cares about is her. He chooses her.

Now that Elizabeth has her vodka the way she likes it, she’s holding the gun up to Karen again. Karen is very obviously shouting her address and the word ‘gun’ over and over but luckily the lunatic is too distracted by the vodka to notice. However, when she goes to grab the rest of the vodka, she hears the idiot 911 responder shouting “HELLO, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU MIGHT BE HELD HOSTAGE AND SHOUTING CODE WORDS SO YOUR ATTACKER DOESN’T KNOW YOU CALLED 911, IS THIS CORRECT? MA’AM?”

This speeds up Elizabeth’s time table so she just spills her plan—she is going to kill Karen with pills and liquor, just the way her husband died.

In the hospital waiting room, Dom is sitting all alone and Joss goes and silently sits next to him for moral support, Zombie Paul ignores a call from Miranda the Ex-Mistress Bitch, and April decides she needs to take a walk.

Dom is next on the Savi Visitor Tour, and he also confesses his undying love for her.

MISTRESSES 113-7My bruises bring all the boys to the yard.

When April is out in the hallway, Miranda calls her, sounding genuinely worried about Zombie Paul. When she can tell from April’s tone that Paul is not dead again, she asks April to tell him to call his son. April promises she will, because she realizes at that moment, that Paul is now doing to Miranda what he had done to her three years ago, because some people never change.

The nurses finally decide to let more than one person in to see Savi at a time, so April and Joss both go in. Joss has solved the mystery—Mama Janet sent Savi birthday flowers. April tells Savi that she broke up with both Hot Dad and Zombie Paul, because her friends and her daughter are all the family she needs. So shocked is Savi at one of them making a good decision, her heart downright stops. Everyone looks on in panic as the doctors try to save her.

MISTRESSES 113-8 Every time Jes Macallan cries, an angel loses her wings.

Sam busts into Karen’s home to stop his mother from killing his and his dad’s therapist/lover and Elizabeth finally admits that she is the one who killed Tom, because at the very height of his pain, Karen was the one he asked for. At this confession, Sam lunges at his mother, and the gun goes off. Someone must have been hit, because a splatter of blood stains the pristine white couch. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS, KAREN.

In Savi’s hospital room, a team of doctors and nurses are doing what they can to restart Savi’s heart. They use the defibrillators on her, though they seem to place them awfully low, making me nervous for the undoubtedly beautiful baby in her belly.

And then it ends. Right there. Season finale, over. No word yet on whether Mistresses got picked up for a second season, so we may never know what happens next. (Fingers crossed we get answers someday.)

What did you think of “I Choose You”?

Here’s one last batch of #HomoWrecker tweets. Thank you all so much for tweeting along—this show wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun without you. Every time I see someone using nicknames I made up like “Zombie Paul” or “Handsome Jacob” my heart soars. Special thanks to our fearless leader, Jes Macallan, who was such a great sport throughout the entire season.






Oh Sam your mom’s taken her ten gallons of crazy over to Karen’s place. There at a crossroads of crazy and bad decision making #HomoWrecker — Brittany Miller ⭐ (@BTrain06) September 10, 2013



DAMN YOU #mistresses …STOP making @jesmacallan cry for her paychecks! #homowrecker

— S Spears (@SAfricaphotog) September 10, 2013



And don’t worry, Jes Macallan promised she’ll never leave us.

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