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“Glee” recap 5.02: Here Comes the Biphobia

Here’s what you missed on Glee: Kurt and Blaine kissed each other right on the lips not once, but twice, had an actual conversation about their relationship that involved both of them opening their mouths and saying/singing words, and decided fortune was smiling so hard on them they should go ahead and get engaged. Sue Sylvester took her rightful place on the throne of McKinley High. Artie and Kitty added a new life event (“In a Relationship”) to their Facebook timelines. Tina inched ever closer to her to her inevitable future as a yacht-owning, fish tank-having, Kryptonite-wielding super-villain. And Brittany S. Pierce loved her some dick, couldn’t get enough of that purple pickle, cheated on Santana repeatedly with good ol’ Captain Winky. Just a bisexual girl, living in a lonely world, she took the Big D-Train off to MIT. Sam is lounging atop the piano in the choir room while Blaine plays him a tune. Sam wishes he had cool stuff to worry about like Blaine does, like how last names work for gay couples, but instead he’s just got lame problems. Like it’s been three weeks since Brittany – the girl he tried to marry – left for Hogwarts, and oh, he’s just so tired of being single. “I just hope wherever Brittany is, she’s getting copious amounts of cock,” Sam says. “That girl loved her a one-eyed snake.” Sam is also bummed that he participated in the most recent round of white knight shenanigans, and now he’s got to take Tina to prom and who even know what personality she’ll be wearing that night.

Mr. Schue drops by to say they’ll be tackling The Beatles’ experimental phase this week, but he’s interrupted by Principal Sylvester’s announcement that this year’s Brundleprom will be attended by all students in all grades, and also here are the prom court nominees: Blaine, Artie, Stoner Brett, Neckbrace Cheerio, Kitty, and Tina.

Tina, of course, springs from her chair in a fit of narcissistic mania and announces that she’s not taking Sam to prom because she needs the single girl vote, and also everyone in glee club will be voting for her if they don’t want to end up with Vaporub in unfortunate places. She breaks into song – “Revolution” – but is cut off by the bell and the stampeding of her classmates. “OK!” she shouts after them. “That’s fine! But let’s all meet back here later to teach me my semi-annual Very Important Life Lesson!”

Out in the hallway, Bree corners Kitty and launches into every speech every Cheerio has ever given about how there will be hell to pay if their squad is once again shown-up by the gays and Jews in New Directions. Kitty rolls her eyes, because Bree is pretty and everything, but once you’ve been verbally throttled by Actual Santana, Santana Lite just doesn’t strike fear into your heart. There’s real life ninjas, and then there’s five year olds dressed up in karate costumes for Halloween. You cower before one and you pat the other one on her wittle head and send her away with a bag of Reese’s Pieces.

In the choir room, Sam is still flopping around on top of the piano in the throes of singleton despair while Will tries to comfort him with the knowledge that he, too, has been without a girlfriend for weeks at a time, and so he gets how awful it can be. But Sue interrupts their feelings fest to announce her new mandatory, school-wide vaccination plan. She’s starting with New Directions because clearly they’re all suffering from some kind of viral infection that makes them invisible for weeks at a time: “First, meningitis vaccinations. Then, small pox, chicken pox, rabies, and feline leukemia. I just wish I’d had the authority to dispense medical care when Brittany was a student here. Who knows what kind of STIs she contracted, constantly cheating on her girlfriend with all the penises in this school. You know how bi girls are: Insatiable pork sword sluts.”

Sam does not like needles, but he does like new Nurse Penny’s face, so he stops by the clinic to get his vaccination on. Unfortunately, Nurse Penny isn’t so much a nurse as she is a sophomore nursing student who failed Injecting 101 last semester. But Sam does not care! He cannot allow his singleness to go on any longer! He fakes a variety of illnesses, tries to chew off his own arm, and slow-mo sings “Something” while a wind machine does terrifying things to his hair. After his serenade, Penny tells him Sue is firing her because she’s clearly a terrible nurse, but Sam hatches a Sam Plan to help her: If she gives him a shot, she’ll be a hero, and Sue will have to let her stay. So, Sam gets vaccinated and Penny gets to keep her job. Not because of Sam’s Sam Plan, but because Sue decides McKinley High is already filled with incompetent staff. One more moron won’t hurt anything.

When Dottie delivers Tina’s prom queen poll numbers the next day, Tina is dismayed to learn that Kitty’s popularity has spiked. That’s when she notices that she’s surrounded by Kitty’s face; posters of her are plastered to every surface of the whole school. Kitty is equally befuddled because for one thing, she didn’t make these posters, and for another thing, her head has been Photoshopped onto Olivia Munn‘s body. (Specifically, Olivia Munn’s body from her 2011 Maxim cover, notes Artie.) All the New Directions corner Kitty and yell at her about stealing Tina’s thunder and after they bounce in a huff, she goes, “Why doesn’t anyone believe me? Oh, right – the habitual lying.”

Dottie is doing her daily prom queen canvassing – “Don’t be racist, vote for Tina!” – when Bree corners her and offers her a spot on the Cheerios if she’ll help with their masterplan of destroying Tina’s life. Dottie’s in, because sure why not.

Prom time! Man, remember Prom-asaurus? Remember the set design and the costumes and the music and how the biggest school dance of the year wasn’t shoe-horned into a three-minute montage because we actually cared what was happening in Lima? Remember how Brittany sneaked out during the middle of her awesome achievement and did penis-vagina sex in the parking lot, committing lesbian adultery on Santana because she couldn’t help herself because mmm boy, tally whackers!

I’m sorry, what’s that? You don’t remember any of this this shit I’m saying about how Brittany was constantly fucking over Santana because she was addicted to dick? Maybe that’s because IT NEVER HAPPENED.

Ryder and Jake and Unique and Marley give us a little “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” while all the couples and besties get their prom photos taken and Sam busts a move with Nurse Penny. Literally. And then it is time for the Prom King and Queen announcement. Stoner Brett is your new king and Tina Cohen-Chang is your new queen. She cries, New Directions cheer, and in the slowest slow-mo sequence in the history of moving things, Dottie Carries Tina with a bucket of red slushie.

In years to come, when Tina sits in her leather chair in her command room on her private island in the South Pacific and launches Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles in every-which direction, sipping on a mai tai and listening to Rachel Berry’s latest rave-reviewed Broadway performance on the YouTubes, this will be the moment she’ll remember. Standing on that stage in her prom dress. Her crown. Her flowers. Covered in icy red gunk. Tina Cohen-Chang will laugh. She’ll toast the Blaine Hummel-Warbler doll sitting in the co-pilot seat. And she’ll blow up the whole world.

For now, she flees to the choir room, New Directions hot on her tail. Blaine says she can go home if she wants and start plotting her global revenge, or she can participate in a feel-good montage about the power of friendship. She chooses that second thing … for now. Kitty gives Tina her dress, Marley fixes her hair, Unique accessorizes her, Sam re-crowns her, Ryder hands her a new bouquet of flowers, and they “Hey, Jude” it right back to the gymnasium and own that prom.

Rachel is having a rough day. She hasn’t heard anything about Funny Girl. Quinn still hasn’t used that train ticket to come visit her in New York. And now Santana has gone and booked herself a nationally televised commercial – for Yest-I-Stat. It’s amazing, this commercial. It’s maybe the most amazing smash-cut thing Glee has ever done in its life. Santana frolics through a field of dandelions and hovers on a giant swing and stands around in a kitchen with a bunch of other ladies and talks about, “I like yeast in my bagel, but not my muffin.” In a lovely display of true friendship, Rachel says she’d be jealous of anyone else, but she’s really proud of Santana. They’re in the trenches together, these two, trying to make a life in the big city. It’s solid. It’s real. I like it so much.

Kurt isn’t quite as thrilled about Santana’s new gig. Not that he’s envious of it or anything; he just knows Old Rachel would have set something on fire in a situation like this, so he’s worried she’s lost her mojo. Luckily they are at a NYADA piano-tuning party, the perfect place to get back one’s mojo by clomping around on top of pianos and singing some Beatles tunes. Yes, you heard me right: Kurt Hummel is getting to sing for two whole episodes in a row. Blaine did say last week that Kurt is living out multiple lives on various timelines across the space-time continuum. I hope this version of Kurt gets to stick around for a while. He seems lucky!

Over at the Starlight Diner, Santana is making googly eyes at a new waitress named Dani. She decides to get her swag on, asking Dani if her parents always knew she was a lesbian and that’s why they gave her a boy’s name. Dani goes, “I’m not a lesbian!” causing Santana to shriek and sherk and snatch at her hair, mumbling hilariously about, “I just … so much … your eyeliner.” But LOL, JK. Dani is totally into ladybits. It’s so cute. Demi Lovato is so cute. Santana’s awkward, self-conscious flirting is so cute. How long will it take Glee to ruin it? Seven-tenths of a nanosecond, that’s how long. A new world record! They chat about coming out, about how their families took it, about their exes. You know, the standard lesbian getting-to-know-you exchange. And then Santana goes, “Yeah, I still love my ex-girlfriend, but she was bi, so.” And Dani goes, “Ah, yeah. Bi girls. Ding-a-ling ding-dong long-dong-wang, right? I think what you need is a 100 percent Sapphic goddess.”

Santana speedy-zooms across the restaurant in a kind of no-game panic we’ve never seen from her before. It’s wonderful. She tells Rachel she’s sweating and freaking out and nearing the edge of an anxiety attack because Dani is so pretty. Oh, and also maybe she’s a little nervous because she’s never dated “a real lesbian” before.

This is so stupid I almost don’t even know where to start. For one thing, Brittany’s bisexuality was one of the only things Glee always got right. It wasn’t about gender or genitals with her. It was about the person. It was about loving who she loved. The only time she ever even hinted that she was sexually unsatisfied with Santana was when they couldn’t figure out how to scissor over Skype, and that had nothing to do with her wanting some wang. She didn’t cheat on Santana with a dude. She didn’t cheat on Santana, full-stop. She didn’t even break up with Santana! Santana broke up with her because some random lesbian in a floppy hat made her heart do one extra skip one time!

OK, and also this weird retconing is just completely unnecessary. Santana and Brittany are broken up. They’ve been broken up. They don’t live in the same city. Brittany doesn’t even exist on this show right now. It’s not like they have to sabotage her character to make the audience root for Santana and a new love interest. But not just unnecessary. It’s reckless too. And it’s irresponsible. It devalues the honesty and depth and white-hot loyalty of Santana and Brittany’s relationship, and it perpetuates all the bullshit stereotypes bisexual people face every damn day.

And why? Why is this even a thing? Watch this:

Dani: What about you? Do you have a lady-love? Santana: I did. In high school. I’ll always love her, but she’s off at MIT doing rocket science or something now.

Santana: Oh my God, she’s so pretty I’m getting that panic boob sweat thing! I knew Brittany my whole life; we just fit together, you know? And Quinn, well we were always going to sleep together at least once. But this is a brand new, scary thing! Rachel: Girl, look at you. Look at you in those boots. Get over there and butter that muffin.

I don’t understand Glee‘s writers. I really don’t. They’re like if really talented chefs prepared a four-course, five-star meal and right before they served it to you, literally every single time before they set the plate down on the table, they were like, “You know what’ll make this taste even better? If I spit in it.” And then you’re like, “Wow, gross. It looks good and smells good but all I can think about is how you fucking spit in it.” And they’re like, “God! We slave and slave and slave over these dinners and you’ll never be happy!” And you’re like, “I would be happy if you’d just stop spitting in the food!” And they’re like, “You hate all food!” And you’re like, “No, you asshole. I love food. I love your food. I just hate spit in my food.” And they’re like, “OK, here’s the same dish served a different way. And also here is my spit in it.” And you’re like, “Seriously? I can’t eat here anymore.” And they’re like, “Stupid angry lesbians.”

Just make the meal and stop spitting in it, Glee! Jesus, how hard can that possibly be?!

After a long day and a long shift, Dani invites Santana to sit with her and watch the sun rise over the city. In fact, she thinks they’d make sweet music together on this perfect morning. They duet on “Here Comes the Sun” and they sound amazing together and they look amazing together and at Dani’s doorstep, she gives Santana a quick peck on the lips and promises so much more so very soon. With her words and with her body language, she promises that.

But it’s not all rainbows and new love and a suddenly paralyzing fear of terrifying bisexuals for Santana Lopez. She’s also got herself a lifetime supply of Yeast-I-Stat. Apparently that’s the payment she accepted when she signed the contract for her commercial. Rachel laughs. She realizes it’s going to be OK, after all. Maybe she won’t land Funny Girl. But she’s here. In the greatest city in the world. She’s making it. She’s surrounded by two people who love her an awful lot. (Kurt works here now too!) And now she’ll never have to worry about yeasty bagels. Just when she’s made her peace with not landing her first Broadway gig, Peter Facinelli shows up and tells her she’s landed her first Broadway gig: “Congratulations, Rachel Berry. You are Fanny Brice.”

Lima and New York join hands across the miles (and Dani and Santana join hands in real life) and perform a really excellent cover of “Let It Be.”

Let it be, let be. Let it be, let it be. Stop spitting in my pasta, frikkin’ Glee.

Next week: We say goodbye to The Quarterback.

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