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“Lost Girl” recap (4.02): All Aboard the Love Train

Hey, look at that, everyone finally remembers that the lead character of this whole damn show actually exists. And they’re really sorry they forgot her. Whew, because it would have been strange to have to rename the show. Though, I will say, Lost Hotpants has an undeniably enticing ring to it.

Dyson arrives on the scene of his Thelma & Louise reenactment with Tamsin. He’s reliving the magical moment of impact to find clues of where she went when he hears some twigs snap. What could it be? A deer? A cat? A mini-Tamsin? Dyson reaches into some brush to find out and gets a bite on the hand for his troubles. Yep, it’s definitely Tamsin.

Or more like the Wild Tamsin of Borneo. She’s a little bush baby—all tangled hair and trademark scowl. Dyson isn’t entirely sure what to do with her. Come on, Wolf Boy, this should be in your blood. Hello, Romulus and Remus? Bad dog.

Back at the Suck Shack, Kenzi is preparing the love nest for Bo’s (hopefully) imminent return. Champagne, chocolate (lube and actual) and Victoria’s Secret runway models are in order. Dress the room for the job you want, not the job you have, eh? But then Dyson brings Tiny Tam instead. I know Valkyrie have many lives, but how can they be sure this is the one and only Tamsin? Lil T throws a knife at the wall and is all, “Get in losers, we’re going playing” and we all know. It’s her.

Tiny Tam’s outburst distracts the gang from a ringing cellphone. On the other line is Lauren/Amber/Karen. She’s a waitress at “A Great Place to Meet Your Friends” called Ronny’s. More like a great place to experiment with bad wigs and embroidered denim shirts. A familiar-looking blonde walks up behind her and touches her on the arm, causing Lauren/Amber/Karen to jump back in shock.

In her defense, you’d be shocked too if Betty McRae walked up to you in some dive diner and straightened your nametag. But it’s not Betty, it’s Crystal and she wants to do anything she can to “help” Amber. Like, perhaps, help her out of those skinny acid-wash jeans. As a for instance.

Trick is now in on the babysitters club with Tiny Tam. Everyone is all no-tagbacks about who should have to watch her. Dyson wants Kenzi to watch her so he and Hale can go off on a bromance weekend go to find Bo together. Kenzi is all no me gusta, I don’t do children as I am only slightly taller in stature than they are.

Plus, something is clearly wrong with this kid. I’ve never met a child who wasn’t able to master playing YouTube videos after five minutes of using an iPhone. I’ve also never met a child who was that entranced by a teddy bear dancing Gangnam Style. Though, it could have been worse, it could have been the Harlem Shake.

Trick just wants everyone to shut up because he’s finally figured out that Bo isn’t on this physical plane. And, as if on cue, we see Bo wake up to find herself on some other plane—make that a train. Oh, oh—is it the Hogwarts Express? Because I have this crazy dream where Dr. Lewis becomes a mentor to Hermione and then they get a spin-off called Smartypants & The Witch Apprentice. Fine, the name needs work.

So Trick has figured out Bo is in some other dimension, but he hasn’t figured out how to end an encounter with Bo’s mother without bloodshed. Dyson sees his war wounds, but it’s one of those many things that “Bo must never find out.” Yes, the building blocks of any healthy relationship are secrets and lies. Or was that the opposite?

Speaking of secrets, the secret society of the Una Mens are upstairs turning the Dal Riata into a cozy den of torture, death, manhunts and pain. You know, normal restoring faith in a system of ancient rules and laws stuff. Poor Vex is in the hot seat right now. And by “hot seat” I mean naked, bound and being partially flayed.

You know, Lost Girl has done a lot of crazy stuff in the past, but this? This is just, ewwww. The androgynous interrogator for the Una Mens (so it’s not just for boys after all!) demands to know what happened to the Morrigan. Vex says she was behind her painting, but disappeared. They’re displeased with the last Mesmer and decide there should be no Mesmers, but Vex throws up a hail Mary to avoid species extinction.

He offers them “her.” The camera then pans to some creepy paper mâché death masks—”Human Terrorist,” “Human Doctor,” “Unaligned Succubus.” The Una Mens are appeased by this, and as much as I value Kenzi and Lauren I’m going to assume he just offered them Bo on a silver platter. For his troubles the Una Mens release him but not before being forced to ingest some sort of literal earwig bug. Like I was saying, ewwww.

While all this is happening Dyson and Hale head off for matching mani-pedis. They seek out Selene, who Tricks says might be able to help them find some inter-dimensional tracker. Wait, they need help tracking a tracker? Is that Alanis Morissette ironic or the real kind?

They find her at her beauty salon that specializes in massages and badge polishing. Dyson goes off to find out just how shiny and Hale is left to deal with the pseudo-receptionist. Hey, didn’t she drown in a pool for no apparent reason?

Cleo tells him Selene won’t help them find Eddie, a tracker who has been dormant for some 800 years. They should just trust her and go see this other lady instead. Hale’s all, “I don’t even know your name, but this seems totally legit.” So He and Dyson trot off to show this new lady the message Cleo hastily scrawled on his hand. They’re like professional police detectives, right?

The mystery woman does little talking, mostly because she doesn’t have a mouth — literally. What she does have is a lot of relationship advise for Hale. Like, nut up and tell her, dude. Lucky for them, she also decides to ignore Cleo’s hand-written—again, literally—note that asked her to erase their memories. Instead she helps them, though mostly to get back at the ladies at Selene’s for giving her a terrible perm. She concocts some sort of mega kiss potion for them and sends them back. Is this like Eau de Bo or something, because isn’t kissing her thing?

The boys head back to the spa and walk into a sexy cleaning party. Their Mr. Pointies get all excited for a minute, but then Cleo emerges and has the girls turn their own Ms. Pointies on them instead. Luckily, the mouthless perfumer put a smelly spell on Hale to make him irresistible, so their pointies go soft instead. Bottom line, there are too many euphemisms for/actual penises in this scene.

Kenzi is back at the Suck Shack having been relegated to babysitter duties. Tiny Tam wants to know if Kenzi & Dyson are dating. Tiny Tam wants to know if Kenzi has a boyfriend. Tiny Tam wants to know if condoms are toys. OK, so I get that she’s this wild child from the forest who isn’t familiar with viral videos, personal boundaries or safe sex, but I don’t understand why the first thing she’d do when she went into the bathroom is dump Kenzi’s sparkle balm into the toilet. Like, how’d she even find it? Isn’t everything stuffed into that footlocker? And where’d she get those rad arm warmers?

Kenzi puts on a little light show for the little Valkyrie, but when her sparkle power runs out they opt for cookies instead. Kenz lets Tiny Tam taste it, but she hides the offending dough under the couch instead. Oh, great, is next week’s episode going to be about a Fae rat infestation?

Right, so I’ve gone on record as saying I like Tamsin—grown-up Tamsin. But Mini Tam-Tam? Yeah, not so much. She’s, well, annoying. I’m praying for a growth spurt, and praying for one now. Also, it makes things a lot less, shall we say, awkward for all you Valkubus shippers out there. Otherwise some of you might unwittingly show up on To Catch a Predator.

Tiny Tam rummages through one of the crates Trick left and finds, will you look at that, she finds The Wanderer tarot card. It burst into flames but finally, finally, they have a real clue to Bo’s whereabouts. Fine, so Mini T was good for one thing. p.s. Don’t think I missed Kenzi saying “Holy dildos” when the card burst into flames. Because I heard it, loved it and plan to incorporate it into my daily vocabulary.

In the Diner of New Identities, Lauren/Amber/Karen sees a newspaper picture of a woman who looks vaguely, not really, like Bo and drops her tray. It’s so Lauren, it’s adorable. Those boots, however, are a little less Lauren. But hot, really hot.

Also hot? Crystal rushing over to help our little Dr. Butterfingers. She knows Lauren/Amber/Karen has never waited tables a day in her life. But she also knows Lauren/Amber/Karen is cute and funny and sexy. Hey, I’m a Doccubus shipper and all that. But you can’t blame a girl for hitting on Lauren/Amber/Karen — even with that hair.

Lauren/Amber/Karen replies with a, “You think I’m funny?” Come on, come on. It’s like Zoie Palmer’s adorability index has no upper limit. From cute, sexy and funny she blushes at “funny.” Sigh. Proceed. Just know that Zoie has already thrown down hard in her campaign for the AfterEllen Hot 100 list with that little head dip—even with that hair.

Sadly, not sadly (I have such conflicted Big Lesbian Feelings), she turns down Crystal’s invitation for after-work drinks and rushes off.

Back in a less adorable, more convoluted subplot Dyson is still chasing after the tracker, but finds a naked painting of Selene instead. Have fun editing that out, Syfy. He rips open the door lock only to find Eddie in a coma. Selene has put him in it because, I don’t really know, he’s cute when he sleeps?

Dyson and Selene exchange uncomfortably aggressive/sexual threats/advances about waking Eddie up. It’s weird and borders on a little rapey, which isn’t a word but is perfectly descriptive of this whole scene. Selene says something about a kiss, Dyson remembers the spray. Then he forces her to kiss Eddie, who wakes up and promptly elbows Selene in the face and knocks her out while calling her a “harlot.” Yeah, this has not been my favorite sequence of events in the Lost Girl universe.

Bo is still in her other universe, call it the Interdimensional Orient Express. She’s trying to pick the lock to her room, and then briefly remembers Kenzi. So I guess she got mind-wiped, too. A nurse rushes in talking about how she’ll anger “him.” From the roar that follows I’m going to assume he is a dragon and/or demon god and/or train conductor. A Dragon Demon the Tank Engine, of sorts.

A fully awakened and clothed Eddie is just a barrel of old-timey fun who enjoys mead drinking, mutton eating and woman beating. He wants Dyson to describe Bo, or at least his FEELINGS about Bo. Dyson tells him her heart is her own, and belongs to Lauren. So Mr. Misogynistic calls Bo a strumpet and even the Alpha Wolf has had enough. He doesn’t exactly earn a “This is what a feminist looks like” T-shirt, but at least he gets Eddie to shut up with his chauvinism.

Dyson finally gets around to showing Eddie their one actual clue, and Eddie’s all, “Whoa, yeah, she’s in some serious shit. I’m out.” But then Dyson spills his FEELINGS about Bo and Eddie says now they’re getting somewhere and Hale calls him brave and Dyson says he should tell Kenzi how he feels and…. Sheesh. So much touchy-feely boy drama. Can’t we just get to the girls kicking ass stuff again?

While it isn’t exactly girls kicking ass, Lauren/Amber/Karen’s ass is getting checked out by a dude customer. He’s all nice view and she’s all, “I know 367 chemical reactions that could liquefy you into a puddle of primordial goo on the floor, buster.” But in her head.

She tells Crystal about the ocular sexual harassment, but she’s having none of it. Lauren/Amber/Karen knows she’s stepped into hurt girl feelings territory and does her best big-eyed groveling. Well, first she uses both the words “if” and “but,” which Crystal correctly tells her should never be present in a good apology. She’s sassy and I liked her. But, we all knew Ali Liebert would have no problem bringing her inner Betty out.

Lauren/Amber/Karen redeems herself by calling herself a “jerk, an ego-centric jerk.” Crystal promptly forgives Lauren/Amber/Crystal and even calls her “Princess,” causing Bomb Girls fans’ hearts to grow three sizes that day. But the heartwarming cross-fandom moment is broken up by Mr. Butt Ogler choking on his liver and onions. Lauren/Amber/Karen immediately springs into Dr. Hotpants mode and grabs a steak knife off the table. She slits open his throat. Tracheotomy? Nope, it’s a faeotomy.

He’s some sort of alien-throated, sloppy-chewing species of Fae. Unfortunately Crystal got the whole thing on her phone. You have to hand it to the girl, if some guy’s neck was cut open to expose some sort of killer artichoke monster, I don’t think I’d stick around to record it for posterity. Also, man, production went all out on the fake blood budget this week.

You know, there are a lot of subplots going on in this episode: Tiny Tam, Hogwarts Bo, Waitress Lauren, Chauvinistic Eddie. So why not cram one more in? Lovesick Hale arrives at the Suck Shack with sunflowers, reciting his admission of the heart to himself. Kenzi is like, “Hey, thanks for the flowers I’ll decorate Bo’s love nest with them, have you found her, oh, wait, you want to make out?”

It’s both fast and long in the coming. They kiss and I can’t believe I don’t know their shipper name already. It’s sweet. Then it’s hot. Then it’s moving a little too quickly on top of the kitchen counter. Damn, it’s just the love spritz.

Their coitus is interrupted by a scream from Tiny Tam. Remember when I said I hoped she’d hit a growth spurt? Holy Portia DeGeneres Shakira David Lee Roth, did she ever. A new Teen Tamsin stands before them having shot through puberty into it’s inappropriate for you to wear a top that tight territory.

Also, hold up. Is new Tamsin going to have wavy hair? Because those are some serious goldilocks happening on her head. The wig budget this season is also going through the roof.

This follicular mystery will have to wait because Eddie is droning on about his past glories and it’s all rather tiresome. Dyson starts to question his usefulness, particularly when he pulls out some tiger head charms as proof of his sanity. Luckily for us and the story progression they just happen to find a temporal shift along the train tracks they’ve been walking down. I don’t know either, just go with it.

The temporal shift leads to Eddie’s first hotdog which leads to some mystery machine with Fae writing. Except Eddie doesn’t really know what it is. I mean, you can’t wake a guy up after 800 years and expect him to know what an inter-dimensional Fae ticket machine is or that you shouldn’t hit women. Luckily, and this is the first and only time you’ll ever hear me say this, in runs Jenny Schecter to save the day.

Long story short: While Eddie was in a coma Cleo took over his tracking gigs. And she’s good at it, even better than him because she is an elemental in command of Earth, Wind, Fire and their long-lost bandmate Water. Eddie’s train has come and gone and hit him. Bye-bye, Eddie. We will not miss you. Though, you are right, hotdogs are disgusting and delicious.

Cleo tells Dyson he’ll need a train ticket, and Dyson just happens to have one, thanks to Tiny-now-Teen Tamsin. Kenzi is wary of Cleo because she’s seen all six seasons of The L Word. Also Mia Kirshner‘s skin is suspiciously flawless. Drinking the emotional blood of your lesbian enemies is apparently good for your pores.

Dyson and Cleo are about to get their ticket punched when Lauren/Amber/Karen calls to check in. He says he doesn’t know if she’s the best rival or the worst, but best probably to stay away from here just in case. M’kay? OK, so it’s really under the guise of being for her safety. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

But holy dildo double-cross, Batman. Now Cleo gets a call (nice Bluetooth cigarette, by the way) from Vex who offers her double to find Bo and deliver her to him instead. See, I told you, when you see Jenny run, don’t walk. Cleo accepts, but makes a solemn promise to find Bo to Dyson. Find her, yes. Deliver her, not so much. So they hop on board the Death Train and get ready for a wild ride.

At A Great Place to Flirt With Cute Lesbians, Lauren/Amber/Karen are finishing copious shots with Crystal. When she gets up to pee, Lauren/Amber/Karen snags her phone to delete the video. But, denied, it’s password protected. She tries, “Shit,” because she’s Lauren and, as I’ve mentioned before, adorable. Crystal walks back and informs her it’s “Toad,” her old dog’s name. Lauren/Amber/Karen tries to make an excuse about wanting to check the weather app. It’s sunny with a 100 percent chance of being totally busted.

Lauren/Amber/Karen confesses that if the video is released, bad people will come for her. Without any more questions, Crystal deletes the video. It earns her a spontaneous and heartfelt hug. Oh, honey child, that hug.

Crystal eagerly informs her she has over 30 Instagrams of gas station sandwiches she could also delete in exchange for hugs and/or more. So Lauren/Amber/Karen comes cleans, and introduces herself properly. And if you think you like Lauren now, Crystal, just wait until she loses the wig.

Just as Dyson and Cleo hop on the Inter-Dimensional Death Train, Bo is hopping off. She snacks on the maid, and then takes a leap of faith into the darkness.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

I’m totally going to look for this on Etsy.

Trick: This place is a death trap.

Kenzi: Remind me to embroider that on a pillow.

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Oh, Bo-Bo, we’ve missed you so.

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