Previously on Pretty Little Liars, four friends suffered years of physical and psychological torture at the hands of their dead best friend’s time-traveling ghost and her army of minions, which consisted of human beings in various states of adrenalized hyperreality, at least one half-blind half-cyborg, and a parrot. After making sure they were run under by cars, poisoned, broken-hearted, hospitalized, institutionalized, hijacked, kidnapped, buried, hypnotized, blown up, drowned, massaged, closeted, shamed, arrested, burned up, and blasted into outer space, the time-traveling ghost revealed herself as a living, breathing not-ghost who just wanted to come home and sleep in the bed her mother had been keeping warm for her.
The Liars have retired to Spencer’s bedroom to debrief what the actual fuck is going on. Spencer stares out the window for a good thirty minutes at that barn where Ali disappeared to begin with and Melissa and Ian copulated and created a demon fetus. They ought to just burn that thing down, she thinks. Emily flat out refuses to put on some pants. And Hanna very seriously contemplates taking a month’s supply of ice cream into a closet and holing up in there with some stretchy pants and her iPod. When the only thing they can figure out is that not a single one of them is happy that Ali isn’t freaking dead like she’s supposed to be, they decide to get some sleep and hit up the cemetery at their earliest convenience.
Ali’s body has been moved inside Rosewood’s giant mausoleum, but it is Hanna who helpfully points out that it is not, in fact, Ali’s body at all. “What I don’t get,” Hanna says, “is how this body was identified as Ali’s body. And I don’t just mean when the coroner did the autopsy before she was buried the first time. I mean all the times she was reburied. We know Emily dug up her dead ass at least once. She spent one full Halloween in a drink cooler on The Nightmare Express. That corpse has been more places than Maya when she was on the run from Cousin Nate.”
Unfortunately, they’re out of suspects. Everybody Spencer has accused over the years of being A or killing Ali is either dead or blind or her brother or her boyfriend or on the lam or Mona, whose only real crime, it turns out, is loving too much and being too fabulous. Hanna says “theory” and “plan” and Spencer huffs and looks at Aria and Emily like, “Can you believe this bitch right now?” She’s wearing Aria’s clothes and doing Spencer’s job. All she needs to do is snap at Paige for being perfect and she’ll have assumed all the Liar’s personalities at once. But Spencer is turned on impressed despite her jealousy when Hanna says they need to find out who was actually buried under the gayzbo in Ali’s yard and work backwards.
Emily hits up Mrs. DiLaurentis about the whereabouts of Jason, who I’m pretty sure hasn’t been seen since he fell down that elevator shaft and jumped out of the window in the ER. Right? Was that before or after Mona stitched him up on his own front porch using a sewing needle and homespun thread and whiskey as a sterilizing agent. Anyway, Mrs. D says he’s off in Montana getting another head transplant but if it’s an emergency she can get in touch with him. Emily says it’s not an emergency; she just wanted to ask if he’d spoken to Ali lately is all. Mrs. D giggles and says Ali talks to everyone in her family every day, which reminds her she needs to wash this comforter she literally just put on Ali’s bed. “She one time held her breath for three full days when I forgot to change her linens!”
Things are less weird but still a bummer over at the Marin’s place where Ashley cannot get an interview for a job because of the high profile murder investigation that branded her a cop killer. They’ve got some savings, but lasagna dollars don’t last forever.
At school, it’s good news/bad news w/r/t everyone’s significant other. Toby is home from his experiments of measuring the color of air with Dr. Palmer (good) but he’s brought his dead mom storyline with him (bad). Mona’s dress is insane and all she wants to do is take Hanna for a ride in Jenna’s dimension-jumping ’66 Mustang (good) but Hanna is back to being cold because of all the latent A-torture feelings she’s holding onto (bad). Paige offers to help Emily shoulder her otherworldly burdens while looking like one million bucks and bragging that she’s actually very good at worrying (good) but Emily throws out that classic lesbian no-winner: “Just let me feel the feelings I feel when I’m feeling them, god” (bad).* And Ezra has turned off the lights in his classroom and is holding a flashlight under his chin, reciting lines from The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde like, “IF I AM THE CHIEF OF SINNERS I AM THE CHIEF OF SUFFERERS ALSO!” (good) but Aria’s not as smart as Mona so she fails to realize that he’s basically threatening to strangle her to death (bad).