TV

“Lost Girl” Recap (4.12): Mother, may I sleep with danger?

What the hell? And I mean that most sincerely, what the actual hell? Does anyone know what is happening? You know when you take an impromptu afternoon nap only to wake up when it’s dark outside and are so confused for a second that you’re not sure what day it is or where you are or possibly what planet this is? Yeah, that is how I felt this whole damn episode. What the hell, Lost Girl?

Fine, I guess I should start at the beginning. Alas, poor Hale. I knew him, Faebians. A fellow of most infinite jest, of most excellent abs. I don’t know, Shakespeare seemed appropriate at a time like this. We’re at his funeral. It’s a bright, beautiful sunny day, which contrasts sharply with everyone’s moods. Isn’t there some sort of cosmic law that it must be overcast and/or raining during funerals? It seems like the respectful thing for Mother Nature to do.

Dyson delivers the eulogy and afterward everyone goes to observe the Day of Silence in his honor. Bo stays to comfort Kenzi, whose grief cannot be silenced. But it can be interrupted by a statuesque lady knight who emerges out of the bushes and immediately tells Bo she is hers. She calls Bo her Queen and Kenzi rolls her eyes. She’s like, can’t I be the lead character in my own freaking life for one damn second without a knight in freaking shining armor popping up out of nowhere and getting on one freaking knee for Bo? Answer: No, no you cannot.

p.s. That lady knight is none other than Casey Hudecki, Anna Silk’s Lost Girl stunt double.

So our lady knight, Rosette from the Order of Hilary Swank (What? She looks like her.), arrives with a message straight out of Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost: “You in danger, girl” But she uses “Queen” instead of “girl.” Tamsin is skeptical, but then gets distracted by her cool chainmail gloves. Accessories are everything, people.

Rosette (which reminds me of the Rosetta Stone, but is doing the opposite for me right now because she’s only making things more unintelligible), tells Bo she is there to protect her. Then she tells her about a prophecy foretelling the death of the Una Mens and rise of the Pyrippus and him seeking out the succubus and something about the Origin Seed. She even shows it to them in a book, so of course Bo believes her. Because books were just the original Internet and you can believe everything you read on the Internet.

OK, well at first Bo is like, I don’t give a shit about prophecies or seeds or Pyrippuses (or should it be Pyrippi?) She chases after Kenzi because her family needs her and for a few seconds everything actually makes sense. Kenzi also makes sense, in a mad, sad, vengeance-filled sort of way. All she can think about his killing Massimo — the more painful the better. Bo promises that he will pay.

So they go to make good on that promise and find Massimo and his terrible skin in his Druid Lair. (Dude, have you tried Pro-Active? Naya Rivera and Adam Levine swear by it, so you know it has to be good. Celebrities can’t lie, it’s in the contract.) Bo, Dyson and Kenz are ready for some old-fashioned murder, but Massimo has another prophecy to share with them. This one is about Rainer dying. Suddenly I am all ears. Apparently when The Wanderer’s first curse is broken, another will kill him in seven days. Cool! What day is this? Six? To quote that lovable red-headed orphan Annie: Tomorrow, tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow!

Then for a second I think Dyson and Massimo are going to kiss. Like, the Druid even whispers sweet nothings in his ear and everything. After hearing them, Dyson says they can’t kill Massimo. See, it must be love. Of course, they couldn’t have killed him anyway because of the Twig of Zamora. But, you know, details, shmetails. Dyson conveniently doesn’t tell them what Massimo told him, but carts him off to see that beacon of information sharing, Trick. Great, now we’ll never know. That grandpa keeps more secrets than the NSA.

Kenzi is understandably pissed. All she wants is a dead Massimo and all she gets is more Fae prophecy bullshit. She should go find Lauren and they should take turns doing shots for each insane thing the Fae have done to them.

Speaking of Lauren, she is the only one actually doing her own homework when it comes to prophecies and Fae history. If this was high school, she’d be the one turning in all her assignments early with the extra credit done twice and Bo would be the one trying to copy off the football player who fell asleep in front of her in class.

Lauren finally finds what she’s looking for: Intel on Rainer a.k.a. The Asshole. Unlike Game of Thrones Ken Doll, the Rainer in the history books is a fanged tooth, horned demon beast of evil pure. After a thousand years, he will be unbound to bring about hell on earth and betray the Fae. So, in other words, he’s totally good boyfriend material for Bo.

Lauren is smugly all, “I knew it!” I mean, we all imagine our ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend is a horned demon bent on bringing about the apocalypse, but how many times is it actually true? But then she overhears Evony talking to someone about how life would be easier if the Succubus was dead. So she gathers up all her research and runs off to protect her. See, Bo, you don’t need any dumb knight when you have a Dr. Hotpants on your side.

Though she leaves in such a rush she doesn’t see who Evony was talking with — namely Trick. Finally, I’m starting to understand why his name is Trick. He’ll trick you into thinking he is a good guy when really he’s just an old man filled with secrets and lies.

Bo goes back to Rainer to tell him he’s dying, but he’s more interested in Rosette who used to fight by his side on the battlefield. They’re reunited and for a moment I think they’ll kiss. Seriously, if everyone who looked like they were going to kiss actually kissed, this show would be nothing but kissing. I mean, it comes close already, but… Anyway, he tells Bo she was his best lieutenant and so Bo should totally trust her because he trusts her and we all trust him, right? Right? Right.

Tamsin finds the prophecy about Rainer dying, too. See, everyone is excited about this thing. Doccubus fans, Valkubus fans. BoNer truly is the true one ship to unite us all. I feel like we should start a fellowship and then they will make four movies about us and years later tack on three prequels which should really only be one film but get stretched out into needless sequels because Peter Jackson needs a new house in Ibiza or something.

Anyway. Where were we? Oh, yes, more prophecies. Rainer is gonna die. Bo wants him not to die. They need to find a way to break the curse. Rosette suggests they use something Bo and Rainer shared. Ew, not that. Bo pulls out the Tarot card. Wasn’t that thing nearly destroyed? And then used as a ticket? Where’d she get a new one?

Bo decides to burn it and when she does the MMXV symbols appear again. 2015? 8:15? Cartography coordinates? That last idea comes from Lauren, who saunters in with her research in tow. She tells Bo they need to talk. Forget “It’s Complicated,” Facebook needs to make a status that says “We Need To Talk,” just for them.

Lauren shows her the passage she found on “The Wanderer.” He looks, well, he looks like Rainer with horns and an insane set of chompers.

Bo doesn’t want to believe it because, really, who wants to believe her boyfriend has such bad teeth? So, don’t believe Lauren who you’ve known intimately for years and has saved your life and your friends’ lives, but do believe Rosette who you just met five minutes ago and is spouting crazy prophecies out of nowhere? OK, got it. Lauren explains to a doubtful Bo that the ink isn’t dry in the books because Rainer has just been rewritten into history by returning. Makes perfect sense.

You know what doesn’t make sense? Remember that whole business where Tamsin told Bo The Wanderer in her kitchen was not The Wanderer who was her boss? Remember that? Has everyone forgotten that? Are we just not going to address that at all? OK, got it. Also, what about Tam-Tam and The Wolf hooking up? Also something we’re going to just not talk about? Cool, OK — mum’s the word.

But Lauren wants to talk about the prophecies she has found in her book, many of which have already come true:

“The warrior shall escape his curse.” Rainer escaping the Death Train. Check.

“The Valkyrie shall be reborn.” Tamsin returns for her last life. Check.

“The blood of Zamora shall be spilled.” Hale is killed. Check.

And then there are the others that haven’t happened yet:
“The Women of The Horse shall rise” and “Between the Warrior and the Queen, one of the two shall die.”
Lauren isn’t quite sure what those last two mean, but Bo informs her she is probably the Queen. Lauren goes into immediate panic mode and is like, we have to get you out of here. So, naturally, when presented with credible information that she is in mortal danger, Bo tells Lauren they need to process their relationship. If that’s not the most lesbian thing this show has ever done, I don’t know what is.

Bo asks Lauren why she is doing this. “This,” it should be noted, is trying to save her life. Instead Bo thinks it’s all a ploy to get back at her. For what? Hooking up with Rainer? I mean, I know lesbians all hate the thought of their girlfriend leaving them for a man, but making up fake prophecies as a form of revenge is pretty out there even for the worst exes in the world. I don’t care how much she hated The Kids Are All Right, to think someone would go that far is just nutso bananas.

Lauren says as much. And then she tells her that everything she has done — staying with the Dark, isolating herself, gaining Evony’s trust (and other, ahem, things) — was all for Bo. Hell, you can practically hear Bryan Adams crooning “(Everything I Do) I Do It for You” in the background. But instead of appreciating her romantic sacrifice, Bo goes all Real Housewives of Fae County and accuses Lauren of just digging up dirt on her man. Good thing Lauren doesn’t have a weave, because she might have pulled that, too.

But then shit gets really real.

Bo: I chose you. And you broke my heart.

Lauren: (deep breath, steps closer)

[Rainer interrupts]
Fandom: DIE ALREADY, ASSHOLE.

Lauren rolls her eyes skyward, and leaves. Team Doccubus, forever being crotch-blocked by the BoNers of the world.

But, as they always say, the best cure for rejection is to get back on the horse. So when next we see Lauren, she is doing just that. In a silky negligee. While holding two glasses of champagne. In bed. IN EVONY’S BED.

I don’t know what is happening to my emotions this episode, but I do know what is happening to my ladybits. If I am dreaming don’t wake me. Don’t ever wake me.

It should be noted that when Evony walks into this heavenly scene she is yelling at someone about not being able to make a waxing appointment. A waxing appointment for her down-theres. So, what follows is somewhat unfortunate, given its conditions. But, hey, what gal hasn’t bushwhacked a little in pursuit of her prize? Sometimes you gotta go through the jungle to find the hidden treasure. Ladies, back me up.

As I was saying, Lauren informs Evony that they’re celebrating. Lauren tells her she wants to join the Dark, officially. Know what I mean, know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Say no more. She spins some yarn about feeling like a weak human in a Fae world and that Evony has given her strength. Proving that she is always, forever and delightfully That Girl, Evony is like, “Hold up, U-Haul, you’re not falling in love with me? I am not that lesbian.”

Still, while you sense she doesn’t entirely trust Lauren’s story about feeling respected and free and like herself yadda yadda, she also can’t resist. No one — no human, no Fae, hell probably not even Thor the Mighty God of Thunder himself — can resist The Palmer. With all due respect to Lena Headey, there is an answer to what happens when The Unstoppable Force meets The Immovable Object. The answer is it sleeps with Dr. Hotpants.

Face it, ladies. No one can say no to Dr. Lauren Lewis in full seduction mode. Panty Status: Gone. Annihilated. OFF FOREVER.

OK. Well, now you can see why Lauren has the nickname Dr. Hotpants. Because everyone is hot to get into them this season. Thank you, I’ll be here all night.

So I don’t even really care about whatever other insane, random and seemingly nonsensical plot twists and hairpin turns happen this episode. Like, fine, Rainer and Rosette and Bo all go to some holistic spiritual center (address number 2015, by the way). I think that address is supposed to explain how they found it, but mostly it’s just out of nowhere. Inside they find sisters in robes who want to do hot yoga and worship a horse together.

Rosette jumps on the robed lady and says she was the one who attacked her earlier. The robed lady insists she’s never seen her before. But Bo puts the love touch on her and she tells her about The Great and Powerful Oz Horse with power over life and death. She rambles on about dominion and blood and the Succubus. Bottom line, she tells Bo that the Pyrippus is her father. This is shocking to no one except Bo.

Naturally, Bo discusses this “revelation” with the people closest to her: Rainer and Rosette. Could Bo’s dad really be a horse? Is he as evil as legend says? Rainer thinks maybe the guy deserves a shot at getting a “World’s Best Dad” mug after all. Rosette pipes up with an addition to the prophecy.

Look, people, if you could please tell everyone ALL of the prophecy at once, that would make everyone’s life a lot easier. She tells them Bo’s bond with Rainer will release the Pyrippus from his prison. But if she doesn’t bond with Rainer, he will die. Let’s see: Save the boyfriend she barely knows or the father she doesn’t know at all? Let’s just say even an electron microscope couldn’t detect my emotional investment in this not-even-close-to Sophie’s Choice.

Back in the House of Pain, Kenzi is trying to be the hero of her own story. She calls Vex to help her eliminate her Massimo problem. See, this also makes sense. Bo lets her down. Dyson lets her down. Call your mascara buddy Vex for some good, old-fashioned murder. But he is reluctant, possibly because his middle name is Chauncey.

He relents and says he’ll take care of her Druid problem, but he wants to do it on his own. He promises to Instagram her the results in beautiful Kelvin-filtered glory. (I’m partial to Lo-Fi myself.) But Kenzi says no, she will not be sidekicked out of her own revenge fantasy.

They find Massimo, locked up and Kenzi is ready to cut out his tongue. But, TWIST, Vex stops her. I guess he is Massimo’s de facto foster dad. This I did not see coming because there isn’t a field left enough for this development to have come out of. I mean, I totally guessed the other surprise “twist” involving our little Druid. (Hello, mommy issues.) But this? Who now, what now, why now?

Kenzi is equally perplexed. I get that the writers couldn’t have Vex kill Massimo yet because he’s one of the Big Bads or whatnot. And I also get that they wanted to show Kenzi seemingly completely abandoned by her Fae friends. But Vex’s father-figure loyalty to Massimo is just too much of an obvious plot device to swallow.

Speaking of swallowing (rim shot!), Evony is having a screaming orgasm. Not the drink, the real thing. Literally. Lauren emerges from under the sheets all grins. Two points for authenticity, though minus half a point for not having her use said sheet as a face towel. Please, like you’ve never done it.

Evony practically starts singing “Like a Virgin” and gushes about Lauren’s, um, prowess. But something is different. She feels, salty. But in the literal sense not the spank me and call me Sally sense. Lauren tells her she’s sweaty, the result of having good sex i.e. sex with her. The doctor was in, indeed.

But Evony still feels funny. I know, it takes me a little time to regroup afterward, too. Sometimes I think I’m speaking but only unintelligible gibberish and monosyllabic sounds come out. Give it time. Turns out it isn’t just post-coital bliss she is experiencing. Nope, it’s called being human.

Lauren grins that Lauren grin and welcomes Evony to her world. The Morrigan is not pleased. In fact she tries to melt Lauren.

Lauren declares her failed attempt “adorable,” and it really is. A human Evony is one of the most delicious developments of this entire crazyboat (because of all the ships!) of a season. She demands to know how.

I could tell the complicated science of the thing. But in the end it boils down to this: Lauren has a magical vagina. (Slightly longer version: Her DNA was used to create an anti-Fae serum which was hidden in, you guessed it, Lauren’s magical vagina.) Evony’s face is all of our faces when we realize the exact delivery method.

An extremely self-satisfied Lauren is excited about the books that will be written about her discovery. She’ll write the first one. It already has a title: The Lewis Solution for Difficult Fae. Can I pre-order that on Amazon?

Evony takes it all relatively well, once she figures out how to scratch her own nose, and then attempts to makes the best out of a bad situation. She tells Lauren now that she is human, Bo will fall for her. And they already have something in common. They’ll both screw anything. Sorry, Evony, I have to correct you. They both have excellent taste in women. That’s what you meant. Lauren corrects her with her fist.

Besides being incredibly satisfying, smacking the shit out of The Morrigan also serves as a quick way to get a blood sample. I don’t know what crazy app Lauren is using on her phone to analyze her cells, but it’s bound to be a bigger hit than Flappy Bird.

On her way out she casually tells Evony her body may accept or reject the sudden changes. If it’s the latter she’ll be dead in an hour. Also, thanks for the sex. Toodles.

Bo is finally seeking advice from someone she has known for more than two minutes. She asks Dyson what to do, and if they’ve done the right thing for Kenzi. No, and also no. Tamsin has her own solution for their problems: booze. Gotta love Tam-Tam, when the going gets tough the tough get plastered.

Dyson decides it is as good a time as any to open up the Zamora Family Code that Hale left him in his will. Bo reads it, and then before everyone’s eyes another line appears referencing the “Queen.” History is rewriting itself all over the damn place. A crest also appears on the back of the embroidery, the same one as Rosette’s tattoo. The symbol means loyalty to the Queen.

Tamsin clarifies that it’s not just their Queen, but The Queen. As in, The Queen Bee. As in, The One. As in Bo is now the Neo of Lost Girl. This whole derivative storyline can be redeemed as long as Carrie-Anne Moss shows up in that latex bodysuit.

In the Mommy Dearest storyline, Vex tries to convince Massimo to run off to England with him until things blow over. Sure, of course, they had this incredibly tight father-son relationship for years that we’ve never known about. Completely believable. He almost gets his little Druid to come away with him, but then Mother calls.

Yep, Massimo has a Fae mommy. Well, had a Fae mommy. Massimo is Evony’s dirty little human secret. See, now this actually makes sense, unlike the Vex foster dad stuff. Because Evony seems like someone who would have a human child she kept hidden away and considered a monster — and enormous disappointment.

She yells at him for bringing what she considers useless trinkets (but we know are rare herb from Lauren’s apartment, Tamsin’s hair and, yes, the Origin Seed). Lauren overheard them and catches the bit about their hush-hush familial bond. I want to be shocked, but I find Lauren’s asymmetrical jacket hem more alarming.

Also alarming is how and why Bo, Rainer and Rosette are all of a sudden sneaking around the Horse Women’s compound. Like, seriously, does that make any sense given the last thing Bo learned was she is the Keanu Reeves of Faedom? Whatever, just keep typing. Someone is playing the cello as they all stare at a mural of Pyrippus. I’m just going to have to assume the writers have taken to heart the David Lynchian philosophy of “Not Everything Has to Make Sense” with this season. I half expect the thing they’re looking for to be a blue box with a key.

But no, it’s some horse. Too bad they are in a room full of horse statues. The robed lady spots them and calls Bo “The Betrayer” and talks about death and destruction that will come if “It” comes. Wait, so they’re not worshiping this horse guy after all? There’s a fight, Bo recites the Zamora Family Code and one of the horse statue saddles pops open. Sure, why not? And inside it there is…a braid? Well, sorta. It’s a hand fasting. Hey, remember when Bo and Dyson sorta, kinda got married? Ditto.

Bo returns home to find Kenzi, who has been doing her own reading up on prophecy. The gang’s all there — except her. Bo tries to comfort her, but Kenzi is having none of it. In fact she wants none of any of it at all. She demands Bo unclaim her. Bo says she won’t, but then relents. So Kenzi says they’re done and storms off. I’m not going to lie, it’s pretty awful.

The rest unfurls really quickly. Massimo has captured Lauren. I’m not entirely sure how, but what else is new? He is ranting and raving about how he can’t get mommy’s love. I know he is supposed to be a terrifying madman, but mostly he just looks like a petulant 2-year-old. He is going to use Lauren to help get maternal respect, somehow. Lauren is scared, but defiant.

But then he brings out the Origin Seed and Lauren gets panicked. She tells him not to eat it, but just like a toddler he does it anyway. I know it possessed all the collective power of the Una Mens and all that jazz, but it’s really hard to be frightened of a seed. Anyway, Massimo chows down on it like a tasty midnight snack. But it gives him killer heartburn or something because his eyes get big and he keels over. Lauren is pretty horrified, but probably only because she feels bad that as a doctor she doesn’t have some Pepto-Bismol or Tums on her to give him. The Hippocratic Oath is no joke.

So now it is wedding time for Bo. Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but let’s perform a binding ceremony that may cause the dark lord of destruction to rise from the fiery depths, maybe? She tells Rainer it isn’t about love for her, he says it is for him. Rosette uses the braid of destiny to bind them and the deed is done.

And then Rosette breaks out into peals of laughter. Wait, are we on Punk’d? Is Ashton Kutcher here? Haha, you thought we’d have Bo marry this douche? But, alas, she did bind with him. And Rosette is laughing because those two idiots just unleashed the Lord of Darkness himself. See, this is what happens when you listen to total strangers bearing prophecies.

The Dark Lord promised Rosette eternal life and power for helping release him from Hel. Same old story. But instead he makes her jump into the fire. And then Bo and Rainer’s hand marks start glowing. And below something busts out in a glowing fury. So, there you go. Welcome to your terrible mistake, Bo-Bo.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Even in her sorrow, The Kenzster manages to bring out the snark. Love ya, Lil Mama.

“How have you been? Showing your new Lady Knight the sights?”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Please, like I wasn’t going to play doctor one more time.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button