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“Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.” recap (1.15): Sif Happens

Previously on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Coulson & Co. went searching for the miracle drug that was one puzzle piece of the thousand-piece puzzle that brought him back from the dead after the Battle of New York. They found the drug, blew up a mountain range and killed two innocent agents to secure it, and, as an added bonus, Coulson found the blue alien that was supplying the drug via its own life force. You know, before the mountains came crashing down around its alien ears. Simmons nursed Skye back to health with her TLC (and the aforementioned alien drug), while also confessing that she simply cannot live without her (gaaaaay). And Lorelei of Asgard landed in the desert in California and hijacked some lady’s new husband.

Due to science and my own experiences, I believe ginger people have 350 percent more persuasive powers than average human beings, but Lorelei of Asgard also has the advantage of superpowers, so she is pretty much unstoppable. After stealing that one husband in the desert, she quickly abandons him for the head of a biker gang (Name: Rooster) because she wants to build herself an army.

On the bus, Simmons is flitting around Skye like a beautiful British butterfly, refusing to let her get out of bed. Skye goes, “It’s like you’ve got a tracker on my fanny or something.” Simmons drops her clipboard and gasps, all, “A what on your what?” And Skye is all, “Fanny. You know, my butt. It’s like every time my butt tries to get out of bed you know about it.” Simmons’ face is red as a sunset. She gulps real big. “Fanny” in England does not mean the same thing as “fanny” in the United States. She scolds herself, silently, for thinking about Skye’s fannies, either one of them. Skye breaks the silence by noting how strict Dr. Simmons is and Simmons fires back that Patient Skye is unruly and stubborn.

Simmons also draws gallons and gallons of blood from Skye’s body, but no matter how many tests she does, she can’t find any traces of the miracle meds that saved her life, and Coulson refuses to let her send the blood off for Boss S.H.I.E.L.D. to analyze. May tries her hardest to get him to talk about what the heck happened to him down in those mountains, and when he demures, she suggests that he talk to Skye about it, at the very least.

But then! They get orders to check out some big time Asgardian activity in the desert! You’re forgiven if you stay off of Tumblr and Twitter and figured this was just another lame alien helmet situation. But also you are wrong. Because in the desert is The Lady Sif, the number one best part of all the Thor movies! On the downside, she’s in unrequited love with Thor (and any guy who ever gets to wield his hammer, in the books), but on the upside, she is a BAMF whose face is Jaimie Alexander‘s face. S.H.I.E.L.D. is shocked to see her, descending from the heavens like an angel of war, but not as shocked as she is to see Coulson (“Son of Coul,” awww!) alive.

She’s come to fetch Lorelei, who, it turns out, broke free from her jail cell when the Dark Elves ripped the place up in Thor: The Dark World.

Lorelei’s deal is she manipulates weak men with her voice and pretty much all men with her voice and her touch. Sif’s answer is this golden choke collar that Lorelei was sentenced to wear after wreaking havoc all over the Nine Realms for centuries. The gang takes her back to the plane, where she straight up laughs in his face when he tries to give her instructions on working the holo-table. Oh, these Midgardians and their antiquated technology. Coulson is like, “So, I mean, no reason really, but in your travels of the Nine Realms, ever come across any blue people?” Sif lists them off, all,”Blah blah blah blah Kree. You know, Kree. The bad guys in the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy film.” Coulson does not know Kree, but he sure wants to learn them.

The team figures out where Lorelei and her gang of bikers are hiding, and so they send in the dudes to take her down, which is so dumb because her one power is controlling dudes. Unshockingly, Lorelei hijacks Ward’s mind and off they go to Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas because she wants a castle for her queendom, and Ward is quite an upgrade from Rooster. They have sex in their hotel room, which weirds me out real bad because Ward is kiiiinda roofied right now. Afterwards, he reveals that he had serious feelings for a member of his team, but now all his feelings are belong to Lorelei. Also belonging to her are: all his weapons, all his cash, all his passports, all his fists, and all his level 7 S.H.I.E.L.D. clearance. Lorelei’s main concern is Lady Sif, whom Ward offers to kill, which: lol x infinity, dude. He’s also prepared to kill Agent May, which: lol for sure, maybe times a dozen, but she’s mortal and Sif is immortal and so apples/oranges, really.

The fight comes to the bus, where Fitz falls Victim to Lorelei’s wiles immediately, and proceeds to lock Sif in the interrogation room and suck her right out into the sky by opening up the ceiling. Lorelei locks Simmons and Skye into the hospital pod and they act indignant and also a little shy because of the aforementioned fanny feelings. Ward and May get into a helluva fist fight, and so do Lorelei and Sif, who, of course, was just hanging out on top of the plane with the silencing collar in her hands, waiting for someone to open the airlock so she could get back into the battle.

The closed-space fight choreography is super rad. In the end, Ward tries to shoot May in the head, but she stole the clip from his gun so suck on that, mister. And Sif clamps the silencing collar around Lorelei’s neck. Before she is forced to STFU, however, Lorelei taunts May about how Ward loves someone on the team who isn’t her, and Sif about how Thor loves someone who isn’t her – and I’m just spitballin’ here, but I can think of one way those two ladies can work out their unrequited sexual aggression, and it involves a conversation they had ten minutes ago that went like this:

Sif: You’re good with a sword. May: Mmm hmm, but I prefer to use my hands.
Verbatim, y’all. Just sayin’. Just putting that out there into the universe as a thought I had.

Sif tells Coulson she’s taking Lorelei home because Odin ordered it, which is interesting because of the Odin thing at the very end of the last Thor movie, but also it makes Coulson think maybe it’s time for him to stop taking orders. He marches down to Skye’s hospital pod and reveals the thing about the alien juice that healed her. She’s like, “Whatever, man, I’m alive.” And he’s like, “True and so am I and together we’re going to start getting some goddamn answers.”

How sweet. He took May’s advice to say out loud to Skye what was bugging him, and now he feels better. And so does May, because she recorded the conversation so she could report to someone that Coulson knows because May is a mole. Hashtag plot twist! Smart money says she’s reporting into Agent Hand.

What did you guys think of this week’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.?

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