“The Fosters” recap (1.21): “Paperwork”

Previously on The Fosters, Stef and Lena got married and had seven minutes of heaven in which none of their children were missing, in danger, or committing felonies. But then ding! time was up so first Callie ran away because she and Brandon kissed at the wedding and Brandon is still trying to figure out that saying “like kissing your sister” because he really, really liked it. While the whole family wondered why Callie would run, Brandon just sat in the corner whistling and staring at the ceiling until finally he fessed up admitted he loved her like Romeo love Juliet and the teens ate it up and the rest of us who actually finished the play saw that this was going to end very badly.

Callie ate a candy bar, got sent to juvie, then to Rockford to be a Peach. She got to hang with Rosie O’Donnell who taught her that neato bat flip and also some coping skills. Jesus spent half the season trying to find his shirt and the other half trying to ditch his ADHD meds. Mostly, he kind of liked Emma who kicked his ass at wrestling but he still kind of loved Lexi who was in Honduras until she came to visit and broke up with him. Mariana gave the wrong boy her panties, but took the right boy to the dance only to spend the night trying to find his mom. Brandon got a copy of “Felonies from A to Z” and got to about “G” before finally getting caught. Mike had a wildly inappropriate girlfriend who filled Brandon’s head with the kinds of stupid things not generally found outside of the confines of Rosewood. Stef’s father died, Callie and Jude saw their dad, and Lena had the brilliant idea of making a baby sized child with her womb and sperm from Timothy, the overly friendly English teacher with Barry Melrose’s hair, and an English accent.

We open this week where we left off, with Brandon in the back of a police cruiser leading a spelunking adventure through the true depths of his idiocy. He paid Ana to change her testimony and Stef’s eyes nearly pop out of her head and land in the front seat. Fortunately, he hasn’t told anyone about this particular felony so there’s time for his parents to muck it up some more. Stef tells Mike all about her little heart-to-heart with Ana and then run through their options. Mike says he could kill Ana. Stef says she’ll handle it and Mike should just stay the hell away and while she’s at it, she’s taking Brandon and she’s bringing him home.

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At Mike’s bachelor pad, Mike and Dani scream at each other while Brandon lurks. Mike tells her to get out and she storms off.

At the Lesbian House of Pancakes, Stef tells Lena that Brandon is coming home. Lena, who hasn’t been brought up to speed on the whole witness tampering portion of the evening doesn’t understand why Brandon needed so much money in the first place. Stef’s thrilled that cops’ kids never get arrested but Brandon is going to get expelled for sure. While they wonder what happened to their son, Callie sits on the stairs probably blaming herself for Brandon’s epic breakdown of character. It’s not your fault, Callie.

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Mariana stops by Zac’s house and encounters sunny, inappropriate Mrs. Rogers. She tells Zac that his mother needs help. Zac says his mom has early onset Alzheimer’s and if she goes into a home he will have to move in with his dad. He doesn’t want to do that because he’s smitten with Mariana.

Stef is waiting outside a halfway house for Ana. She tells Ana that if she wants the money she will meet Stef at a diner the following day. Stef makes sure Ana understands that if she takes the money they better not see each other again, ever. This seems like a sound decision since Ana has never before returned asking for more money.

Jude and Connor are playing video games when Jude gets a call. “It’s from a giiiiiiirl” Mariana says with a giggle. The girl invites Jude to a movie. He has to ask his moms because he’s adorable and perfect. Jesus and Mariana gossip about how nervous Jude seems. Jesus should help Jude, Mariana says. He laughs because he is currently single and getting the silent treatment from Emma. Mariana tells Jesus that he’s kind a dick now that he’s off his ADHD meds and while she knows he really wants to get off them she misses the guy who wasn’t such a douche. Back in the living room, Jude tells Connor that Maddie asked him to a movie. Connor wants to know if he’s going to go and if he likes Maddie and if they are getting married and have five kids like Stef and Lena. Jude says he doesn’t like Maddie that way so Connor asks if he can ask Maddie out. Jude says okay but looks about as okay as he would be if Connor just stole his puppy.

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Brandon is packing up his half dozen Fred Rogers inspired sweaters when Mike walks in and tells Brandon that Stef said Brandon can sleep over one more night to work on his audition piece and get into some more trouble. Brandon apologizes to Mike and says he didn’t think. Mike says he’s never been so disappointed in him.

Lena is meeting with Timothy to get him to sign the donor agreement. He says, yeah well, here’s the thing I didn’t think about when I was promising to stay the hell out of your lives. I never really thought about not being able to hold the glorious hair model child you and I are going to create and I have always had sort of an icky thing for you so, yeah, take your contract and shove it. Absolutely no one saw this coming. This is brand new information.

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Stef is taking this news really well. she’s slinging cold cuts and lettuce around the great lesbian kitchen and pointing out that (duh) Lena might already be pregnant. Lena says she stopped on her way home for one of those new fangled blood tests to tell you if you’re growing a baby or not. Stef asks for the results. Lena kindly points out that it will take twenty-four hours. “Twenty-four hours! Do you know how many times I can put my big old foot in my mouth in twenty-four hours?” Stef hollers. Yes, dear, I do. Stef starts immediately trying to set a new record and says let’s just hope that you aren’t growing Timmy junior in there. Lena finally asks Stef if maybe she doesn’t want to have a baby. Lena, you gorgeous unicorn with hair and a face that makes angels weep, every single person on the planet and the astronauts sitting on the space station know that Stef does not want this baby.

Brandon is practicing his piano (not a euphemism) and it’s not going well. He’s interrupted by Callie who has stopped by to ask Brandon if he’s really okay with her finally having a home after being in five foster homes, being raped by her foster brother, going to juvie (twice), getting beaten up, having to protect her little brother, living in a group home, and running away. She’s worried that she’s hurting him by joining this family and he, to his credit, says no.

Back at the Adams Foster home of passive aggressive relationships, Lena emerges from the bathroom and says “I got my period I bet you’re happy.” Stef does a dance to thank the goddess Menses. It involves fans made of tampons and a hat made from a sanitary napkin. It’s really quite something. Then she takes off the hat and tells Lena that their life together is upside down and backwards and she feels so overwhelmed at the prospect of adding a baby because she’s royally screwing up the teenage portion of the parenting skills test. Lena says but they are just making regular teenager mistakes. Stef says, well not so much, let me tell you a story about our eldest and his plans to bribe a witness. Stef says she’s not going to pay Ana, she’s going to wear a wire a record her trying to extort a police officer.

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