“The Fosters” recap (2.6): “This is what it sounds like when unicorns cry”

Previously on The Fosters, Lena wanted to be pregnant so badly she turned into a pod person. Brandon got high, paranoid, and hilarious. He told Lena that Mike’s gross girlfriend had sex with him and Lena became the first adult in the history of ABC Family to identify statutory rape. Callie had a panic attack while attempting to have sex with Wyatt. Jude remained silent, Sophia remained just over the line of normal teenage behavior. Jesus juggled Hayley and Emma but Mariana got stuck with the mess. Stef followed Mike and found out that he didn’t murder Ana but parked her in a seedy hotel.

Tonight, we begin in the bedroom where Stef and Lena are discussing the possible overuse of pink in their nursery decor. All the talk about whether they should have been more gender neutral in their palette gives Stef an idea. She says she’d like to play around with some gender roles while the kids are all still sleeping. Before they can get started they are woken by some coos from a baby. Stef hands the baby to Lena but can’t get her mind off of Lena’s “long fingers.” She tries to cover by saying the baby also has Lena’s, um, toes! Yeah, toes.

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It was all a dream, and Lena wakes up to the melodious sounds of Jesus and Mariana screaming and slamming doors. Poor Lena can’t even get laid in her dreams. Lena mediates the dispute and then gets woozy when she heads back to her room. Lena checks her reflection in the mirror (verdict: fairest of them all, per usual) and then leaves a message for her doctor. When Stef answers at the seedy hotel and promises she’s almost done breaking up this MENSA gathering.

Mike and Stef go a couple rounds about who feels more betrayed. How dare you investigate me! How dare you put the woman who tried to extort us in a hotel room! Ana chimes in that she’s clean now and isn’t that great? Stef and Mike head outside to scream some more because not everyone heard them before. He just squawks about how she can’t understand because she’s not an addict. Stef tells Mike she wants no part of his current experiment in witness tampering and they both storm off. Stef gets a call from Mariana saying that Brandon took Lena to the emergency room.

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The next morning, Stef takes Lena’s blood pressure which is high. She hands Lena a glass of water, and orders her to stay hydrated, in bed, and offers to call Lena’s doctor, Lena’s mother, and perhaps the National Guard. Lena tells Stef that she’s driving her bananas but she could sure use a veggie burger.

Wyatt has asked for a meeting with Brandon to discuss Callie. Brandon says, “I feel for you, bro. No one gave me a manual about how to understand Callie, so I went looking for it in her pants.” Back home, Jesus is working on selling the Craftmatic: Lesbian Bed Death model to a guy who would like his parents never to have sex again. The parents, who do not speak English, want to know where Lena’s husband is. Jesus says “He went out for a ride and never came back.” Mariana yells that Lena is a lesbian because being loud makes it easier to understand and draws them a diagram of scissoring.

Outside, Callie is planting some flowers when Jude comes out. She does that thing where she tells Jude the thing she hopes comes true. This time it’s about the baby being okay. She also gives him permission to be silent for however long he wants. Pretty sure the last three episode show he doesn’t need your blessing, Callie. Stef comes running up the stairs with a veggie burger for her hot wife only to find the Kims still lying in her bed. Turns out Mama Kim would like the bed but Papa wouldn’t. Stef isn’t interesting in selling half of the bed so the Kims go home empty handed.

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Mariana and Jesus bicker and she announces, like she’s the pharmacist in Rosewood, that she’s a virgin because she wants to be, dammit. Brandon and Matt are hanging out at the kitchen table. Mariana bolts and Matt giggles into his soda.

Upstairs, Stef and Lena are playing doctor, but not in the fun way. Stef tells Lena she has to stay in bed but Lena is desperate to sell the bed so they can co-sleep with the new baby. Stef has the wisdom of someone who has been there before and says co-sleeping is a terrible idea. Lena says, but baby can you imagine being ejected from my womb and having to be out in the cold, cruel world? Before they can explore the wonders of being inside Lena’s *ahem*, Mariana tells them that Mike and the rapist are downstairs.

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Dani made a casserole but left the candy for dessert in her windowless van. Brandon walks in and suggests that maybe Dani shouldn’t go up to see Lena on account of how Lena might kill her. Surely, murder is no good for the old blood pressure. Upstairs, Mike walks right in and makes himself at home on the bed. He says he’s happy for them and that he and Dani might be having a baby, too. You see, she loves kids so so much that she might have made one with my son.

On the front porch, Mike is explaining what the hell he is doing with Ana. He is atoning for wanting to kill Ana. He nearly lost control that night and he wants to make up for that. Let’s see how he deals with the news about his rapist girlfriend.

Out back, Mariana is doing some geometry homework when Matt comes over to tease her a little. They banter about Mathletes and why she doesn’t wear the kick ass jacket Kevin Gnapoor got her. Then he asks her out. She says yes (in spite of her running feud with Jesus over him dating her friends she has no problem dating one of Brandon’s buddies).

Upstairs in the mattress showroom, some guy is using a blacklight to check for semen. If he finds any someone is going to have a lot of explaining to do. While Jesus and Mariana argue about their respective cuts of the sale, the guy crawls under the bed to check out the motor. Dude, that thing buzzing under there is not the bed. Downstairs, a couple asks Callie how much they want for the breakfast table. People, you can’t put a price on the pancakes.

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The moms are doing some college vintage snuggling in a single bed. Sure, it’s cozy but you can’t sleep without your arm going numb. Lena suggests they name the baby Francesca after Stef’s dad. They will call her Frankie and ensure that she is always picked first for softball. Well, that was heartwarming for a minute so Lena switches to telling Stef some stuff about Brandon.

Stef wastes no time finding Brandon in the garage where she tells him, “For pete’s sake, get a new song, would you? Everyone knows you’re an outlaw blah blah blah.” They sit on the couch to chat. Brandon asks what exactly Lena told Stef. That whole outlaw thing is just a song, OK? She laughs when she says that should have warned him that they aren’t people who do well with pot. She lays down the law and then tells him it’s no fun being a hard ass, but someone has to be one. He’s just relieved they were only talking about pot this time.

Jesus and Mariana are trying to sell the bed but the lady wants to know why sell it if the bed is so great. Stef tells her she hasn’t gotten laid on that bed since it arrived. After some haggling the lady agrees to buy it and the bed that killed sex is gone!

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That night the family plays a game of Monopoly on the bed. Stef is wearing a T-shirt that reads “Substitute Teacher” and the mind boggles at the number of teacher/principal shenanigans she and Lena must get up to. Brandon is quiet, but Jesus points out that no one is as quiet as Jude. Jude laughs.