“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.07): How to lose a guy in 10 days

This week I feel like I could just write, “Maura does everything she can to avoid going on a date with a man. Jane helps.” and then just go have margaritas. Boom, recap done. Happy hour here I come.


But, fine, I won’t. Because the devil(ish fun) is always in the details. Of course, things start off a lot less than fun. Unless you consider getting your fingers broken one-by-one a laugh-riot good time. In which case, *scoots away* no, that’s fine. I’m not terrified by you.

So it’s 8:30 a.m. and Det. Jane Rizzoli is where she always is–eating breakfast at Maura’s place. Maura comes in and pours herself a cup of coffee while giving Jane a look like, “I really don’t understand why you keep wasting your money and don’t just move in already.”


Jane notices it right away as her tuned Girlfriend Feelings Radar (GFFR) dings in warning. But Jane already knows how Maura will deflect her true feelings about moving in into grumbling disapproval of Jane’s “pants and shirt” combo. Far be it from me to speak ill of the standard-issue lesbian causal work attire, but I do prefer it when Jane upgrades to a button-down. What? You’ve been thinking it, too.

Maura says she’s worried about how Jane looks when she meets Jack, henceforth to be known as Professor Beard. Don’t laugh, introducing your beard to your girlfriend is an important step in the beard-client relationship. When your beard doesn’t get along with your girlfriend it causes so many headaches.


To emphasize the point Maura tells Jane, “I want you to look as good for him as you do for me.” Yeah, let what she just said sink in. Almost there, almost there. Yep, that was super gay.

Jane looks at Maura like, “Honey, you want me to wear that tight sailor outfit you like for your beard?”


Maura quickly clarifies she just wants her to look really good. Establishing your girlfriend’s superior hotness is another key aspect of the beard-client relationship. Jane jokes about owning an Alexander Wang dress and all the lesbians laugh and laugh and laugh with her.

Jane turns it around and tells Maura she should worry about her own femme credentials since she’s missing a Chanel earring. Maura goes all exasperated lipstick and checks herself in the wine fridge reflection. Jane suppresses a laugh and tells Maura she hopes she isn’t missing something else that rhymes with “manties.” Then she offers to check, just to be safe. You know that happened. You know.


Maura confesses she has been a little discombobulated lately trying to adjust to another beard. Then she sits Jane down for a long talk about their relationship and whether they’re finally ready to stop hiding and start being open and honest with each other and the world. But in her head. Because instead she just says something about being nervous about Prof. Beard because he is the first beard in a long time who hasn’t tried to kill her.


Jane responds in a way that makes Maura secretly happy she didn’t try to have The Talk. She tells Maura to concentrate on not scaring him off with her science-y work talk. Yes, any good relationship involves suppressing one’s own intellectual interests so it won’t be “scary” to the dude. Sigh.

She suggests Maura talks about puppies instead. And, as anyone who watches Orphan Black knows, “puppy” is the preferred pet name for geeky scientist gay girls everywhere to call their girlfriends. Just ask Cosima and Delphine. So, in essence, Jane is telling Maura to talk about her with Prof. Beard. Booyah.


Jane reminds Maura to grab her keys (such a girlfriend move) and off to fight crime they go. They arrive at the rare book dealer’s shop, and immediately I’m imagining inappropriate sexy librarian fantasies between Jane and Maura. Sorry, sorry–horrible torturous death and all of that.