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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (Sept. 7, 2007)

BLACK MAGIC WOMEN This week here! TV released their promo for the upcoming third season of Dante’s Cove, which premieres Oct. 19, but before I let you feast your eyes on this tidbit of trashy goodness, let me take you on a brief trip back in time to set the scene.

Once upon a time, there was a hotel on a magical island, where lots of hot gay guys came to romp in the surf (all puns intended). At first there weren’t a lot of ladies joining them, but as the magic started brewing, the lesbians began arriving – because you cannot have witchiness without women. It’s like a law of Magyck or something.

In Season 2, Thea Gill (Queer as Folk) and Michelle Wolff (Mango Kiss) joined the cast, and in the upcoming third season, even more ladies will enjoy some fun in the sun. Let’s review the out lesbian actresses who will be playing with magic this season:

Jenny Shimizu (left) joins the cast as Elena, a newcomer who is involved with Britt, played by Michelle Wolff (center), bartender/oceanographer (of course). And Jill Bennett (right), whom you all should know and love from our vlog We’re Getting Nowhere, takes over the role of Michelle (originally played by Erin Cummings). In the trailer for Season 3, the voice-of-God voiceover tells us that “a new threat has been uncovered” in Dante’s Cove, “where magic is in every touch, and love and power can be stolen.”

Wow. Sounds like Dynasty meets Hex, to me. Watch it here for yourself (and keep an eye out for the smooching – Jill gets around!): You know what this means? There is finally enough estrogen to make a difference in Dante’s Cove. (And that, in turn, means that they’re going to get the AfterEllen.com recap treatment this fall – watch for bad machine’s Dante’s Cove recaps starting in October.)

Sure, the men may have had their fun in previous seasons, but let’s face it: If you want to work some serious magic, you need some women. ‘Cause nothing’s as dangerous as a hot witch in a bikini.

SHE’S PRETTY AND WITTY AND GAAAAY! Remember when Ellen came out and went on the “Yep, I’m gay” media tour (figuratively speaking)? Remember when she got slammed by everybody for being “too gay,” and then her girlfriend left her for a spaceship and, ultimately, some guy? Remember when Ellen finally got her career back years later and launched her talk show, only to never, ever mention the fact that she’s a lesbian?

Well, those days are over. Break out the pink bubbly, ladies, because I think Our Dear Leader has returned. Now that Rosie has retired from The View, Ellen is our sole lesbian on daytime TV (no, Oprah’s not gay!), and it seems that she’s taking her responsibility both seriously and cheerfully.

Earlier this week on the fifth season premiere of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Ellen welcomed Hillary Clinton as her guest, and even grilled her (gently) about her stance on gay marriage. The most interesting part wasn’t the fact that Hillary rattled off her standard response (supporting civil unions with full benefits, states’ rights, end Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, avoid the question, etc.), but that Ellen took the opportunity to underscore her personal stake in the matter.

“First of all, I should preface this — I don’t know if you know this, but I am gay,” Ellen began. (The audience, of course, broke out into laughter.)

“It’s important for me to be able to commit to someone that I love and have the same benefits, the same rights,” she continued. “If something should happen to me, Portia’s taken care of. People who are gay care about that.” Portia’s a lucky gal.

Watch the video here:

“I live in this world just like everybody else,” Ellen added, “but those things matter a great deal to me.” Well said.

SHE’S EVERY WOMAN, IT’S ALL IN K.D. Lesbian icon k.d. lang recently was a guest on Dame Edna’s 50th Anniversary Special, which aired in the U.K. on ITV. (Thanks, Katharina, for the alert!).

To top it all off, k.d. joined Dame Edna in a rousing duet version of “I’m Every Woman.” It has to be seen to be believed:

WHAT IS IT WITH LESBIANS AND TOYS? AfterEllen.com reader Moaning Blues alerted us to the first online Spanish lesbian series, Apples. Created by Veronica Segoviano and Olga Marti, the series is set in Spain and is about a group of lesbian friends, a mannequin and a stuffed cat who live in two apartments within the same building. (Thanks, Nicole, for translating!)

Yes, you read that right: a mannequin (named Cari) and a stuffed cat (named Chichi) co-star in this little online serial. Don’t worry — in addition to these odd inanimate objects, there are a lot of lesbians. Here are a few of them: The first episode, titled “Errors,” is streaming now at the series’ website. Although I don’t speak Spanish, I do understand the international language of dyke drama, and this show seems like it’s overflowing with hookups, breakups, make-ups and enough sex to make it too racy to stream on AfterEllen.com. But we can show you the trailer:

My favorite part? The series’ tagline, which translates to “Seven girls, two apartments, many problems.”

Word.

NOT ANOTHER TURKEY BASTER! What do you get when you combine historical flashbacks, lesbians, animation, artificial insemination and Dutch culture? Apparently you get Sextet, a film written and directed by Eddie Terstall (who made the critically acclaimed Simon), which opens in the Netherlands on Sept. 13. (The film’s official website is here, but heed my warning: It is not safe for work!)

An AfterEllen.com reader tipped us off to this film, which is a satirical comedy about sex in contemporary Dutch society. Katja Schuurman plays Pien, a not-so-faithful lesbian who is trying to have a baby with her girlfriend: Nadja Hüpscher plays Suus, a lesbian who has a baby with her girlfriend by artificial insemination: Lucretia van der Vloot plays Babs, a lesbian struggling with prejudice against her new Moroccan neighbors downstairs: This just goes to prove that lesbian culture is, in fact, global. Our uncontrollable urge to get pregnant and grapple with race crosses cultures. There is a God, and her name must be Ilene.

AT LEAST SHE ALREADY HAD HER BABY It was announced this week that out actress Sara Gilbert (ER, Roseanne) will be joining the cast of CBS’ new series The Big Bang Theory for a multiepisode arc. Gilbert will play a physicist who becomes romantically involved with another physicist, the socially inept Leonard (played by Johnny Galecki, Gilbert’s husband on Roseanne). I have to admit that nothing about this new comedy series made me want to watch it. First off, it’s about two nerdy guys who get all googly-eyed over their hot female neighbor, played by Kaley Cuoco (she played Billie on Charmed). Second, well, do we need a second?

Gilbert, whose partner is television producer Allison Adler (Emily’s Reasons Why Not, Commander in Chief), recently gave birth to a baby girl. I’m glad she got another gig so soon after giving birth, and hey, at least her character’s a physicist. Still, I’m so over the Beauty and the Geek thing. Thank Ilene God I’m gay!

BITE ME Last Halloween, when I counted down the Top 10 Lesbian Vampire Flicks, I suggested that it was high time for another lesbian vampire movie to be made, since we haven’t seen many in recent years. Well, it looks like I got my wish.

AfterEllen.com reader akikobugs stumbled across a curious listing on IMDb.com for a film titled Lesbian Vampire Killers and helpfully forwarded the information onto us. The IMDb plot description is thin but intriguing:

Their women having been enslaved by the local pack of lesbian vampires thanks to an ancient curse, the remaining menfolk of a rural Welsh town send two hapless young lads out onto the moors as a sacrifice.
There are two women listed in the cast on IMDb, and I’m going to assume they may be the lesbian vampires. The first is Ty Glaser, who was also in the unforgettably titled film Bikini-Blitzkrieg, Part One: Dance Domination: Then there’s Tallulah Sheffield, who recently played a “Pretty Girl” in Jekyll: Being the crack investigative reporter that I am, I also did a little digging on the film’s production company, AV Pictures. Turns out that AV (whose first film was 2003’s School for Seduction — guess what that was about) is indeed hard at work producing this latest lesbian vampire movie, which they like to call L.V.K. (initials make it cooler, I guess).

AV’s website describes L.V.K. as “part of the new wave of UK comedy horror. Stylistically the film will have a glossy high-end feel and be a glorious collision of classic horror and dynamic youth-orientated comedy.”

Apparently the film is currently in production, so maybe there’s still time for me to send some notes to the director and writer (who are both men). Here’s what I would suggest that they remember: Lesbian vampires are lesbians first, vampires second. That means they’re lusty for the ladies, gentlemen.

Those hearty Welsh lads who are sacrificing themselves aren’t gonna get much more than a nip on the neck — don’t start thinking that the lesbians are suddenly going to wake up and realize they’re into guys.

Except, um, for dinner.

NOTHING SAYS FUNNY LIKE CORRUPT VIXEN SHE-PENGUINS The rampant box office success of penguin movies (Happy Feet, March of the Penguins) has finally crossed over into the genre of women-in-prison flicks. That’s right: lesbian penguins in prison!

Originally produced as a half-hour special for the Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim, Canadian animation company Hulascope Studio (headed up by Oscar-nominated animator Janet Perlman and partner Judith Gruber-Stitzer) is now hoping to turn Penguins Behind Bars into a TV series. Check out the trailer here:

Janet and Judith are collaborating with writer Mabel Maney, author of the Nancy Clue and Jane Bond parody novels, so I’m betting that Penguins Behind Bars is going to be dangerously funny. Stop by their official website to offer your input and support.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Torchwood, the British sci-fi series from Russell T. Davies (who created the original Queer as Folk) premieres Sept. 8 at 9 p.m. ET on BBC America. The show has had a mixed record with its bisexual women characters, but it is one of the most queer-friendly shows on TV.

If you missed Michelle Ehlen‘s film Butch Jamie, a comedy about a struggling butch actress, you’re not too late. The film can be seen in several venues starting in October. Check out the film’s website for more details.

Erica Friedman reminded us that you can still register for Yurisai, a one-day conference about lesbian-themed Japanese comics in Newark, N.J., on Sept. 29. Get more details at www.yuricon.org.

Karman has informed me that her runaway vlog hit, We’re Getting Nowhere, will be a couple of days late next week; look for it on Thursday instead of Tuesday. She hasn’t told me which scenes will be re-enacted yet, but I’m hoping for another canine cameo.

That’s it for this week! Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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