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“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 3.7 “Saturday Night Is for Fighting”

Chocolate City – Spencer is at the Farmer’s Market picking at a chocolate donut. Damn, that looks good. Anyway, Ashley shows up and it looks like someone got after her with The Ronco Rhinestone and Stud Setter. She’s all hooched up and domme-y looking in her sassy black cap and boots. This makes me want to see a cage fight between her and Fisticuffs Carmen. Smart money is on Ash, as she can afford to pay off the ref.

She’s late, of course, and she has the audacity to make some comment about chocolate being an aphrodisiac even though she knows full well she’s not going to put out for poor little Spencer anytime soon. But Spence has grown accustomed to her diet of crumbs, so she just smiles prettily and squeals, “You came!”

Yeah, but she can’t stay. Kyla needs to be “handled” (?) so Ash is just there to show off a picture of herself in a tabloid and then leave again. I am shocked when she doesn’t ask Spencer if she would like it autographed. Spencer asks why she can’t stay, and Ash complains that Kyla is being a big brat.

But Spencer smells a rat, and like a good wife, she digs the truth out of Ash about Kyla – that she hasn’t told her sister about the record deal. Then she scolds Ash for being so selfish. Then Ash does that thing where she rolls her eyes and whines, which makes Spencer smile and bat her lashes and say, “Oh all right.” Jeez. These two and their little games. I’ll bet their safe word is “codependent.”

Ash splits, and when Spencer gets up to leave, she has a “meet cute” kind of moment with the William Mapother-esque kid that Paula tried to set her up with last season.

It would be “cute” if it were, oh, I dunno, his sister. But since it’s him, it’s more of a “meet lame.” He eyes her like a slab of beef and makes light banter about movies, while she tries to figure out who he is. Oh yeah, you’re that guy. The one my mom tried to make me go straight for! A traumatic dinner like that one would be etched into my memory, but Spencer seems to have forgotten it. And him. Ouch! He asks her to go to a movie with him, and she hesitates before saying yes. (It’s called “intuition,” honey, and you should pay attention to it.) Blue jean baby — Back at the Carlin abode, Paula is looking very neutered and housewifey as she carries a basket of laundry down the stairs. Spencer shows her the magazine with the photos of Ashley and Kyla. Paula grits her teeth and squeezes out a half-hearted, “She looks pretty.”

She tells Spencer that she’s washed her “favorite jeans” for her movie date with Patrick, then looks crestfallen when Spencer says, “Oh it’s just Patrick.” Arthur comes home just in time to catch the tail end of their little exchange. Spencer tells him, “I am going to the movies, but whatever she tells you, it’s not a date.” He grills Paula about it as soon as Spencer exits the room, then intones ominously, “Paula, let it be.” Not once, but twice.

Eh, I liked him better cowed. I almost want Paula to pull her paint gun out of the basket and beat him about the head with it, just for old time’s sake.

Sloppy seconds – At the Farmers’ Market, Madison is trying to convince Aiden to go to Tulane since he didn’t get into USC. For her, New Orleans is all about Mardi Gras and Girls Gone Wild (hmm, interesting choice there, Madison). For Aiden, it’s all about, well, Hurricane Katrina. If their versions of New Orleans were movies, hers would be The Big Easy and his would be Angel Heart.

Madison is over his Droopy Dog attitude. The cure? Ego! Somehow, Madison going dancing will make Aiden feel better. Yeah, I don’t get it either. To make matters worse, Glen shows up and invites himself along for the ride. Poor Aiden. He should just check himself into the nervous hospital for a few days; it would be a hell of a lot better than hanging out with these two. Not to mention far more dramatic!

Hate to say I told you so – At the movies, Patrick is whining about his college experience, but takes a break long enough to pay for Spencer’s movie. And then he tells her that it’s OK that he recently broke up with his girlfriend because, “Now I’m here with you!” Spencer looks perplexed by these developments – which is just maddening. She’s gay, not stupid! Wake up, Spencer. He digs you!

I scream, you scream, we all scream for a record deal – Outside Ego, an obnoxious paparazzo is harassing Kyla and Ashley as they beeline from their limo to the club. Ashley is only mildly irritated until he shouts something to them about the record deal. Kyla’s head spins off her neck in response. What?! A record deal?! She doesn’t really care about it, or the work it might entail; she just wants to siphon off some fame for herself. She goes ballistic when she learns that Ashley’s been keeping this little acorn under her ugly studded hat. She just starts screaming and never really stops. Unless she is doing some primal scream therapy and simply neglected to mention it, I really think she should calm the hell down. Wait a minute, we’re at Ego! Could somebody please get this girl a roofie? Across the room, Aiden is standing with his arms folded and his back against the wall, scowling while everyone around him laughs and dances. Hmm, looks like me at my junior prom.

Little lies – After the movie, Patrick and Spencer walk back to his car and talk casually about the movie. He thought it was funny; she thought it was stereotypical. This kid is so clueless that he seems to think her assessment of the film as “marginally funny” is going to get him laid. I don’t think he knows the definition of “marginally.” He tells her she’s beautiful. As is often the case when a lesbian hangs out with a straight guy, Spencer has to shoot him down and come out to him.

Spencer: I’ve been with guys before … Patrick: Oh, you’ve never been with me. Spencer: Patrick, you can’t convert me. Patrick: I wouldn’t want to. I’m not into labels. Gay, straight, whatever – we’re all people. Spencer: Funny, that’s the same thing my ex-girlfriend used to say.
They talk a little more and he lies and says he is OK with them being just friends … as he leers at her menacingly like his scary uncle from Lost.

Just beat it – Aiden has an awkward run-in with Ashley at Ego. They decide to go out for a little fresh air. But as soon as they step outside, the obnoxious paparazzo begins harassing Ashley about her fight with crazy Kyla. Then he has the audacity to grab at her skirt, as if to check for her commando status (is she a real “It Girl”? Does the carpet match the drapes even exist?). That’s all the reason Aiden needs to fully and officially SNAP. He beats the guy into a bloody pulp while all the pretty 19-year-olds stand around watching and taking pictures of the fight with their cell phones. It ain’t pretty.

Meanwhile, inside the club, the creepy Madison stalker from last week finally has time to make his pitch. He wants her to be a dancer for the Justin Timberlake tour! OMG!

Yeah, I know, it’s just TV.

The aftermath – Kyla and Ashley are huddled together outside Ego (I guess they are both on board to do the record now!) while producer Ethan (aka the Gopher) tries to strike a deal with the pulverized paparazzo. Aiden is rocking and mumbling in the corner. Well, not quite. But not too far from it, either. He has clearly gone over his own personal edge and doesn’t know quite what to do with himself. (When Nice Guys Attack!).

Wait, Kyla has a great idea! She implores the shivering mass of remorse formerly known as Aiden to be their bodyguard! Because what she’s learned from this incident is that she and Ashley are in imminent danger, and that there’s no better protector than a tightly-wound trauma survivor who isn’t going to therapy!

Yeah, Aiden isn’t really up for that. He’s not wanting to beat the crap out of anyone professionally right now. In fact, he looks like he’d like to just jump off of a bridge. He stomps away, twisted up in emotional agony.

Glen offers to be their bodyguard instead, and they stupidly agree. The only ax he’s ever swung was for Guitar Hero. And it was plastic.

OK, Kyla and Ashley officially deserve any grief they ever get.

First things first – After she makes up with Kyla and agrees to do the record deal with her, Ashley goes off to find Aiden, who may or may not have finally had a psychotic break by now.

He is huddled in a nearby alley, and the first thing she asks is if his moment of snappage on the photographer was somehow really about “us” (her and Aiden, their failed romance, etc.). I’m surprised he doesn’t snap all over again and beat the crap out of her for asking such a stupid question! Ashley must have forgotten that he was shot. In the heart. He explains to her that he was shot (in the heart) and almost died, and hasn’t been quite the same since. He bares his soul to her, then wanders off into the night like a lonely Frankenstein. Ashley stays behind and, like, sends some texts to her friends. Sigh.

In cars – The crafty Patrick is sitting in his car with Spencer, making a last ditch attempt to get into her pants – and he’s doing it right outside her house. Paula is peering at them out the window, beaming with pride. I imagine her singing ” Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and doing a little cheer as this random guy tries to bed her lesbian daughter. Ick.

Patrick tells Spencer, “Don’t look at me as a guy. Or a date. I’m just a person who happens to have feelings for you.” Yeah, and a penis.

Spencer tells him to piss off and goes into the house, where Paula is standing and grinning ear to ear. Spencer calls her on it and makes a glorious speech about being a lesbian, how she didn’t “decide” to be gay just to piss Paula off. I’m pretty sure Spencer is the first person who has ever put Paula in her place and lived to tell. That is, until her dad comes into the room and bats some cleanup. He tells Paula he will NOT have her torturing Spencer over the gay thing like she did last year, and if she does, they will have a “major problem.” He sounds serious, so I don’t think he means he’s just going to stop cooking her dinner and wearing his little “kiss the chef” apron.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Ashley prances around in her underwear and Spencer shows up on her doorstep wearing only a raincoat. I’ll run and fetch you some smelling salts.

Watch a bloodless reenactment of the beat-down scene in our weekly SoN video blog, “We’re Getting Nowhere.”

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