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“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 3.04 “False Identity”

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The newbie: Officer Gina Rossi yells a lot.

The naughty: Yvonne gets a little lovin’.

The nefarious: Barbara’s stepchildren threaten to compound her crimes.

A disclaimer – No Helen + Very little Nikki = Short, half-hearted recap.

Di-abolical – Di is watching her mother sleep. She sees her mother’s bloody lip and asks what happened – did she cut herself with her watch in her sleep? But of course Di did it and is now pretending she didn’t.

Poor Ma Barker. She tries to argue with Di, but Di threatens to put her in a home. It could be campy, I guess, but it’s just evil.

More like Gina Bossy – There’s a new officer on G wing. Her name is Gina Rossi, and she’s surly and not inclined to wait around. She storms into Karen’s office, interrupting a meeting.

Karen, however, is not inclined to be bossed around, so she tells Gina to come back later. Hollamby (the other part of the meeting) says, “We’re not getting Rossi, are we?” Guess her reputation precedes her.

On the prowl – Yvonne is putting on her sexiest clothes (well, if you find prostitutes sexy) in preparation to meet her new “brief,” who’s really the guy from the escort service, as arranged by Nikki.

Meanwhile, the others prepare for their visitors. The two Julies are still dreaming about life on the outside – never mind that Julie S. didn’t last five minutes – while Barbara’s worried about seeing her stepchildren.

Barbara: I’m assuming they’ve got something to tell me.

Nikki: Like “piss off and die”?

No wonder Helen loves you, Nik. Funny is sexy. Anyway, neither Nikki nor Barbara has much hope for the visit. But Nikki’s skeptical face breaks into a grin when Yvonne interrupts, revealing her trashy getup.

Nikki: Bloody hell.

Yvonne seems amused too, which is adorable. She promises to give Nikki a “blow by blow” account of her visit with the male escort. Must you?!

The new girl – Karen has questions for Gina Rossi about her last job; it seems she “assaulted the inmates” and fought with the other officers. I can believe it: Her scowl scares me. But she also seems petulant and adolescent, all bark and no bite. Or all mouth and no trousers, as they say in the U.K.

The real story is that Gina was transferred to G wing because she broke up with her boyfriend, another screw. Great: straight girl drama is the worst!

Speaking of that, now Gina’s in the wing office, mocking Hollamby and insulting the dearly departed Dominic even though she didn’t know him. Yeah, she’s just plain bratty. And now she’s turned Di against her, which is more dangerous than it might appear.

Clueless liaisons – Hollamby escorts Yvonne’s new “lawyer” to the private room. She makes all sorts of unintentionally hilarious comments about his expertise and youthful appearance. Ah, silly Hollamby. I still can’t believe you’re evil, despite the Shell stuff. Maybe I just miss good-hearted Dominic and am looking for hope elsewhere among the staff.

Yvonne is escorted to the room – by a saucy Gina, with whom she naturally bonds – and seems very pleased with her new solicitor. I often think Yvonne looks like a hawk, and right now you could definitely call her predatory.

Weaving a tangled, creepy web – A weeping Di tells Josh she’s been dumped and she’s finished with men. He says women are just as bad and advises her to find someone else and move on.

Oh, Josh. You’re gonna wish you hadn’t said that.

Interrupting – Hollamby strolls by the private visiting room. She doesn’t hear much in the way of words between Yvonne and her new lawyer, so she barges in to see what’s up. Yvonne has wisely anticipated this; she and her hired gun are sitting there all proper-like. Hollamby stomps out in her usual red-faced huff.

And then Yvonne goes in for the kill. I’m glad we don’t have to see too much of it. For some reason, even though I find her sexy, I feel kind of sick when she actually has sex. And she’s not really the best kisser, is she? Sad.

Barbara’s children’s hour – The stepkids aren’t too friendly to stepmother Barbara. They’ve discovered she was never divorced from her first husband and therefore shouldn’t have married their dad.

So, yeah, we’re 14 minutes in and still no Helen. Look what we get when she’s gone: thrillers based on misfiled paperwork! Yawn.

Oh, I take it back; it’s a little more exciting than that. When the stepchildren accuse Barbara of offing her first husband as well as her second (the latter was euthanasia, remember), she hauls off and slaps her stepson. Right on!

Kindness – Josh is concerned about Di and her recent “bust-up.” Can’t he see that he’s just flirting with disaster? Or maybe not – maybe Di only wants the ones she can’t have.

Meanwhile, Nikki is concerned about Barbara, who has no interest in getting out of bed. Nikki offers to bring her some tea. Ain’t she sweet?

And she’s smiling conspiratorially, too, when Yvonne shows up. It’s like they can’t look at each other without enjoying their shared secret.

Yvonne offers to send some mobster types after Barbara’s stepchildren, aka “these a–holes,” to teach them a lesson, but that’s not quite Barbara’s style. So Yvonne sashays back out, winking all the way.

More harebrained schemes – The Julies decide to start a letter-writing, phone-dialing campaign to “wear down” Barbara’s stepchildren and make them leave her alone. Denny wants to know what they’ll say in the letters.

Shell: Well, you ain’t gonna say much in a letter. You can’t even write, spazzer. [sticks out her tongue]

Denny: Yes I bloody can. [sticks out her tongue, or rather puts it behind her lower lip, but why am I trying to describe these childish things?]

Seems like life at Larkhall is back to normal, eh?

Di drops by to see what they’re all smiling about. Yvonne notices Di has a twinkle in her eye too. Yeah, it’s the glint of madness.

Tattletale – Hollamby voices her suspicions to Karen, concerning Yvonne’s so-called lawyer. It seems he’s visiting again today.

Hollamby: If that was a lawyer, then I’m a jumbo jet.

Um. Nope, not gonna touch it.

Truly devious – As Denny, Shaz and Shell start to make the harassing phone calls to Barbara’s stepchildren, Nikki suggests that Barbara beat them at their own game. Since they’ve hired a private detective to prove she was never divorced, why not hire her own to prove she was?

Barbara: Why didn’t I think of that?

Nikki: Takes a devious mind, Barbara. And as I’m the real criminal and you’re not …

She’s so cute when she says this! Helen, wherever you are, you’re missing a lot of adorableness in this episode.

Over by the phone, Gina introduces herself to Shell – as her new personal officer.

Shell: I usually have a man.

Gina: Yeah, well, it’s your lucky day, sweetheart. They’ve given you someone with real balls for a change.

Now that was fun. Denny and Shaz think so too.

Officers everywhere – Di pretends to think Josh is really on the prisoners’ “wavelength.” She encourages him to study to become a prison officer. Because that’s what friends are for: to help you find a way to spend your days behind bars.

Nearby, Karen eavesdrops as Denny and Shaz make another prank call to Barbara’s stepchildren. She puts a stop to the whole campaign of intimidation. Well, that was brief.

Denny and Shaz take the fall for the whole thing. They’re still good kids. But now they’ve got extra days on their sentences and the disapproval of Miss Betts.

Barbara’s not happy either, when she finds out what they were up to – she knows this won’t look good in court. Everyone apologizes and Nikki confirms that they messed up “big time.” I love the way she’s just sort of standing around and commenting on things in this episode. No, wait, I don’t – I’d rather she were doing things with Helen to inspire commentary from everyone else.

The long arm of the law – The next day, Karen calls Barbara to her office to meet with some detectives. They show her a picture of her first husband, Arthur – seems they’ve found him. And they have bad news: The divorce was never final. Well, not news, exactly. Barbara knew that all along and has (understandably) been hiding it. She’s not just a mercy killer – she’s a bigamist! Welcome to yet another Lifetime-tastic episode of Bad Girls.

Nikki’s not very nice when Barbara comes clean to her afterward.

Nikki: You’re about the best liar I’ve ever met. I trusted you. We all did. You’re a s—.

Whoa. Nikki has been such a softie lately, it’s been easy to forget she can still be mean.

In the wing office, Karen tells the other officers that Barbara may not be able to keep the 3.5 million pounds she came into when her second husband died. And now she’s going to be charged with murder, not manslaughter. At this news, the officers actually make gaspy oh-my-god faces. Helen, come back and tell everyone to stop overacting!

Hollamby runs right out onto the wing and tells the inmates about Babs’ millions. They all turn on her – even threatening physical violence. In prison, loyalty is rule No. 1.

Gina restrains Shell and dares the rest of them to make a move. What? Gina can magically keep order on the wing when nobody else has been able to? Whatever.

A real brief – Charlie’s lawyer is there to see Yvonne. She assumes this actual lawyer is another escort and grabs him – much to his, and then her, chagrin. So I guess we’re getting melodrama and screwball comedy in the same episode, and it’s all way over the top.

It seems Charlie wants Yvonne to take the rap for a drug thing. She’s not very willing.

Yvonne: After what he’s done to me, I wouldn’t trust him further than I could push him with my piss.

Wooo!

Hollamby bursts in with a couple of screws and tells them to search the lawyer – she assumes he’s a fake too. This poor guy. Hollamby feels pretty stupid – and gets a proper scolding from Karen – when the truth is revealed, but that’s not exactly a new experience for her.

Getting back in their good graces – Di tells Barbara that every cloud has a silver lining and she mustn’t give up hope. Di’s really not too bright, is she? She tried that cloud line with a group of inmates earlier, and got nothing but giggles for it.

Barbara is feeling pretty desperate at this point. She does seem to have lost all her allies. Nikki says as much when she comes back to their cell – she feels like a complete fool and doesn’t see why she should help Barbara.

Nikki: Just tell me straight: Did you kill Peter for his money?

Never mind that. The real question is, why don’t I care?

Nikki doesn’t understand why Babs never mentioned all that money. Barbara says she thought she might get threatened or beat up if people knew. I wonder what gave her that idea?

Barbara ends up calling Monica Lindsey and then makes a big speech to everyone. She’s donated half a million so Monica can start another halfway house. This seems to appease everyone. See how easy they all are? Not a hardened criminal as far as the eye can see.

One last bit of melodrama – Di is making a new shrine, this time to Josh. This is just vile. I rarely feel the urge to fast-forward when I watch this show, but I’m definitely feeling it now!

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Helen’s back. Whew. But so is Fenner.

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