“Dante’s Cove” Recaps: Episode 3.1

It this really how lesbians act? Really? – Out on the beach, Michelle runs into Brit and her compressed air tank. She’s either getting ready to go scuba diving or she’s going to make some balloon animals for Dante’s Cove’s homeless children. Oh wait. The only children here are at the gym or getting their backs waxed.

They hug. Brit gives Michelle the once-over and says, “You look great!” She says she thought Michelle was home with her folks. Michelle smiles but doesn’t tell her about the carnage.

Just then, Elena shows up. Brit introduces them, failing to mention that she and Michelle once had a little thing, pre-tsunami. Elena doesn’t need any backstory and looks threatened anyway, because she’s a lesbian. After about five seconds, it gets uncomfortable.

Michelle: Oh, well, I don’t want to hold you two up …
Elena: No.
Michelle: It was great seeing you.
[looking at Michelle’s breasts] You too.
Michelle: [to Elena] You take care of my girl.
Oh, yeah. Believe me, I will.

Brit apologizes for the whole “my girl,” thing but Elena claims it’s all good. Elena takes her tank down to the water’s edge while Brit watches Michelle work her way across the sand. Uh huh.

Warnings go unheeded – “Force of the moon, revise. Force of the sun, reverse. Forces of Tresum …” Diana is standing on a rock in the dark with her arms in the air. Griff interrupts her and orders her to stop or she shall be excommunicated. She tells him to go stick his excommunication somewhere – the forces of Tresum come from the sun, moon, stars and green clovers. It’s magically delicious.

Griff does not suffer scoffers lightly. He raises his arms and fires dual beams of Tresum mojo at Diana. She falls to the grass, powerless. Diana starts to bawl like a baby and collapses, face down in the dirt.

Back at H2Eau, Marco tries desperately to tell Grace about the dark forces he feels in his mood ring. She says in her best bitchtastic dismissiness, “I don’t have time for the petty problems of little men,” and shrugs him off. Grace sets the bar for all other divas.

Marco calls Bro and gets his machine. He leaves a message: He’s coming over.

Out on the beach, something is following Marco. “I know what you are! Others will know too!” he says. He takes three clumsy steps and falls in the sand. A dark figure descends on him. There’s a scream. Marco is suddenly covered in blood. That was fast.

It’s Michelle. Her eyes are crazy. She’s snarling. She smears blood on her face. Midwesterners – what are ya gonna do?

Next time on Dante’s Cove: Grace finally believes Marco’s warning. Michelle and Diana form an unholy bond. Griff encourages Bro to not be such an uptight weirdo. The shirt shipment from the mainland has still not arrived.