“Dante’s Cove” Recaps: Episode 3.1

Under Grace’s roof – Grace runs into Toby in her kitchen. As long as they have to look at each other, Grace asks Toby for dating advice, except she uses the ol’ timey word “courting.” How do you know if someone is interested?

Is Toby really the go-to guy for dating advice? He lost his boyfriend to a guy who talks like John Quincy Adams and calls himself Bro. Toby tells Grace she has to feel the “vibe.” Heh.

Just then, Adam happens by and stops to eavesdrop. He hears Toby talking about the men in his life. Kevin may have been The One, once, but not anymore. And yet … he still dreams about him. Grace notes Toby has been hanging out with “that other one.” The one who doesn’t own any shirts. She means Adam.

Toby says he and Adam are just friends. Adam’s face falls as he listens. He goes back to his room, where Trevor sits on the bed, expecting a sandwich from the kitchen, but Adam never made it that far. Trevor says he’s willing to have something else for lunch instead and pulls on Adam’s belt. They do some bicep curls. This is one bad porn flick.

Trevor tells him not to bother holding out for Toby; Toby’s not, eh, coming. Adam also reminds Trevor he’s in recovery and really shouldn’t be in a relationship. Who said anything about a relationship? Trevor drops his shorts. Forget sandwiches. How about this?

Lunch lasts exactly 45 seconds. And Trevor had to serve himself.

An inconvenient truth – Later that night, Marco is locking up H2Eau after another successful night of popular music and watered-down drinks. As he walks home, he runs into Brit, who’s heading into her oceanographer’s lab to do some late night tidal study type things – anything to get away from her new ball and chain, Elena.

Brit invites Marco to come have a look and, having nothing better to do at 2 a.m., he accepts. Inside, Brit explains that as fun as oceanography can be, there aren’t many opportunities to meet babes on the ocean floor. And that’s why she tends bar on the side.

Brit says she’s seeing some nutty things here in Dante’s Cove, and it’s not due to global warming. The tides come and go as they please, unlike anywhere else on earth. Marco suggests it’s mystical. Tresum, perhaps? He shows her a ring his grandmother gave him, which he wears every day. He says it alerts him to “dark energetic disturbances on the spiritual plane.”

Marco wears his grandmother’s mood ring. Oh, Marco, honey. No.

A deal – The next morning, Grace returns home to find a hot tub party going on. Two strange guys are relaxing in the outdoor tub just as Trevor returns from the house holding three beers. Busted.

Grace orders everyone out. Trevor’s friends rise up out of the tub, naked as the day they were born. They leave the house without bothering to put their shorts on.

Which brings up something new. Putting gay men and lesbians together on one show is a sketchy endeavor. Some lesbians would be happy to live the rest of their lives not having witnessed that last scene. Which is not to say we have a problem with the phallus. Some of us just prefer them to live in a bedside drawer.

And furthermore, some gay men could do without viewing breasts formed by nature – they like the ones formed by Cybex.

Everyone remain calm.

Trevor offers to help Grace make repairs around her property because (get your shot glasses ready) “that tsunami did some real damage to this place.” She offers him a bonus deal: Be her eyes and ears. Since he’s the one inviting random naked men over, he’ll be watching himself.

Over at H2Eau, Michelle is sitting at the bar wearing the ugliest shirt on earth. The malls in Iowa need some updating. Marco barely recognizes her. “You look so different!” he says. Hilarious. Maybe the tsunami tore her old face off?

Marco wants to know why Michelle came back to Dante’s Cove. Michelle doesn’t answer – she furrows her newly perfect eyebrows and hugs him in silence.